Filed under: Mentally Ill parents, Parents and their Dates, links to articles | Tags: Add new tag
Link to article called “8 Rules for Dating My Parent” by Nina Malkin. These rules are pretty good. The article avoids talking about how to remain in kid mode while Mom and Dad exploit their Peter Pan mentality and relive datingin High School over and over again. That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it? (Peter Pan parents are fun and open and youthful but often sort of competitive with their kids, aren’t they?) The author doesn’t ask the kids how they actually feel about having a Parent who dates. It wouldn’t be safe for the kid to respond I suppose. But, does the child compare himself with his friends’ families who are intact? Does the kid feel like his life is more special because his homelife is more changeable (I was going to say volatile…) and kid-like? Parents who date are often much more “cool” and up to date on current trends. That might be a plus, or it might just be a shallow, immature lifestyle.
As usual, the children of parents who don’t wonder about how the child is reacting to their Dates must repress their experiences. There’s no therapy for this down the road once the child get older. There is only a superficial diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety, Anger and Lack of Trust which is mostly seen as a result of Chemical Imbalance and Bad Habits that can be reframed through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Since people who divorce a lot probably have addictions and mental illness, wouldn’t it be more to the point to help the kids who have to grow up in that situation? Why do the “Helper/Healers” in the world always seem to avoid the people who really need help? Why doesn’t this article tell the parents to start looking deeply at themselves and their own problems so that at least they won’t repeat their mistakes? The article could address how one’s Narcissicism, Instability, and Mistakes affects one’s child. Or it could address How to help little Junior whose Mom is drinking a 1/5 of Vodka or a Carton of Gallo? Just think what kinds of Dates she brings home. Just imagine what contortions go through her brain as she reads this article while in hangover mode and screaming at the kids just because her swollen head can’t handle anything but Diet Coke and Tylenol. Mostly she’s concerned with trying to remember what that strange man is doing in the house. Those are the kids who need the help.
On the plus side, most people who Mom brings home in this case probably grew up in bad situations themselves and are naturally sensitive enough to understand these principles.
This was just supposed to be a link to a reasonable blog entry about Parents of Children of D and it turned into the usual questioning of how the real problems always manage to slip by. So sorry, but this is so frustrating. Hopefully time to get back on track. Note to self: figure out how to turn off comments sections of Step-Parenting threads so as not to get distracted by said crazy situations.
Sorry I ended up butchering this article. I really did think it was good, just avoided the real problems involved in order to provide quick solutions. The parents who read this honestly will think they’ve done absolutetly everything in their powers to make things right for their kids. It’s a real trick to try to balance developing as an individual and developing as a part of a relationship. This is going to be a real distraction from the kids. In Intact families the kids don’t have to deal with their parents going through this (often they wish for it, though) and live a much more carefree inner existence.
http://www.match.com/magazine/article2.aspx?TrackingID=525061&BannerID=647430&articleid=9757
It’s interesting in how acceptable it is to recognize that one does not get along with one’s In-Laws but that one must “Love” one’s step-parents. In trying to get people from Intact Families to understand Step-Families I suppose I would describe the In-Law relationship as being most similar to Step-Families. Same blending of dissimilar tribal habits, same blending of different styles of care and lifestyle, same trying to understand different senses of humor and same God-awful phoney grins as everyone tries to get along.
The Difference is that the Children are only kids and have no say whatsoever in what happens unless they act out. The Parents are supposedly joining in Love, or at least faking Love in order to get stability and financial security. The Children are being towed along and are probably being subjected to their parents’ blind eye to their partner. The Children have no control over the situation whereas Mothers and Fathers in Law have been preparing to marry their children off to someone that they will probably loathe since the children are born. Plus, the Children must be dependent on the Step-Parent. And must live in close contact with Step-Parent. In many countries it’s not uncommon for In-Laws to move in with In-Laws so people might be more accepting of living with strangers. Divorce is also much less common in these societies I think but am not sure. In the U.S. there is no societal precedent for living with strangers; a person’s family is supposed to be a special private and intimate affair. A Child who lives in two families has two sets of these private, personal, often hostile environments to join together. Tossing an overbearing, know-it-all step-parent into the mix would be overwhelming for anybody. The kid knows two sets of secrets.
As I’ve said before, if an adult was thrown into the experience that a child must go through during a Divorce, he/she would leave the situation. It’s simply too stressful.
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Here’s a link to an article written by Astrologer Noel Tyl giving some ideas on how to help one’s children.
http://www.noeltyl.com/notebook.shtml
“Supporting and Inspiring Our Young.” October 30, 2008
Noel Tyl is a Child of D. He’s honed down about 12 points in a person’s astrological chart in which to look for developmental problems that stick around after childhood. It’s fascinating work.
