Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Astrology stuff, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Immigration and Divorce, Living with Aunts and Uncles, Suicide, creativity
One of the great old time masters of detective mystery writing, Raymond Chandler, was a Child of D. Chandler’s Mother was an Irish Immigrant. His Father was a civil engineer who was alcoholic. The family moved around quite a bit because the father worked for the railroad. Dad was absent a great deal of the time and eventually abandoned the family. Chandler was raised by his Mother. His uncle supported the pair financially.
I’m not sure when the divorce actually occurred. Chandler’s Mother took him to Europe for awhile when he was around 11 or 12. Supposedly they took a boat in June, 1900. Chandler was going through his Jupiter Return at that time.
Since I’ve found multiple examples of kids who go through their parents’ split during or around the time of their Jupiter Return who tend to become successful in Jupiterian Professions like Law, Publishing, Higher Education, Religion, etc. I’m pretty excited to find this prominence in Chandler’s chart. I’m finding a lot of published writers whose parents split apart during this Return phase at any rate.
Success doesn’t guarantee happiness, of course. Chandler suffered his own struggle with alcoholism just like his Father. His Jupiter was in Scorpio (murder, crime, the dark side, detective work) opposing Neptune (escapism, addiction). The Wikipedia biography on Chandler is really interesting. He married a woman who was 18 years his senior (Venus c. Saturn-Sun-NN) and it seems that when she died he became despondent and tried to commit suicide. It sounds like he suffered from serious depression his whole life.
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Birth Order, Movies About Growing Up in Divorce
The Boys are Back is an Australian movie about a man whose second wife dies leaving him with his 6-year old son to raise alone while in the middle of grieving. The entire vibe of the household changes as the single Father sets up house the way he thinks is fitting. And then into this commotion his English first wife sends their son over to visit. The Father hasn’t seen this son in 8 years (I might have the years wrong).
The marquee outside the movie theater said this is based on a real story which is believable because, although in the end all problems seem to have been solved (which is unlikely because no Father who is that good looking is going to be single for such a long time) the relationships and the way the emotions come out really does seem genuine. The feelings of the children is explored. This isn’t just another film about an American parent who has to think of some way to make his child useful to his life. The older son from the divorced older family is clearly left out of the picture, feels like the oddball out for a very long time in the story and the Father confronts these feelings. He confronts his absentee Fathering. There’s no denial. The Father takes an active role as a parent rather than letting the relationship slide. So I guess it really is make-believe because that just doesn’t happen in real life.
Although death and divorce are talked about in one breath together in real life they are really so much different, especially for the kids. Death brings finality. The grief involved has to do with coming to terms with complete loss. Divorce brings complete loss of secure family (which can’t be discussed), feelings of failure, guilt, trying to fix things, false hopes, maybe relief (although the only people I’ve ever heard say this were shrinks), and just general dis-ease and awkwardness that one has to get used to.
Anyway, this is probably the only movie that I remember being able to relate to on an emotional level. Maybe that’s because I’ve experienced both Divorce and Death of parents. At any rate, it will make you laugh. It will make you cry. And it will make you wish you could live in the Grandmother’s house which is so cool.
In my late 20s when I was dating around in desperation, looking for the perfect guy, I remember coming to the conclusion that you can’t go wrong with a guy named “Tom.” I don’t know why that is. The ones I met just seemed to be so much more nicer than the guys I dated, the Johns, the Harry’s, the I don’t even remember that guy’s name guy. I would look in distant admiration at parties at the girl’s who dated the guys named Tom. Their futures just seemed secure already. Is there some kind of subliminal indicator in a name that suggests “In Tom We Trust?”
I’m trying to avoid talking about celebrities too much here in the Exemplaries Section because Success in Entertainment seems to be an unrealistic ambition for most of us to pursue. Hollywood is full of Children of D. Entertainment is probably the most realistic ambition for children of D since they can focus on Career over Family at an early age. And it provides an escape and a creative outlet. Even so, I can’t help myself. These Toms, they are an exemplary set of guys.
I was utterly delighted to find that the 3 Toms I could immediately think of are all Children of D.
What set off this little fantasy memory is the review I read last week-end about a biography of the singer/musician Tom Waits (sorry, can’t remember which newspaper). Tom Waits doesn’t really seem like the ideal date guy, I sort of attribute his stability to his wife who must be an angel, but he apparently has an extremely long marriage to one person who he attributes much of his sobriety and even his success to.
According to the review (which I can’t link to, sorry, but look at Wikipedia and google around for his book) Tom Waits’ Father left his family in 1960 when Waits was 10 years old. His Father was music loving and stayed up all night and was alcoholic. Waits’ entire career is based on projecting this persona. Wonder if he would have become a success if his Father had remained at home. In many cases a kid is probably saved by Divorce from too much exposure to the “Fun” parent.
After the Divorce, Waits lived with his Mother in Southern California. The family first lived in Whittier (Los Angeles county) and then moved South to National City in San Diego County. I don’t know what National City is like now but in the 60s it was basically a town full of Tom Waits look-a-likes. It wasn’t really a garden spot where you would want to raise your kids. Waits dropped out of high school and began his musical career.
Waits has been married to his wife Kathleen, since 1980. They have 3 Children.
Check out the lyrics from his song “Children’s Story” from the album Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers and Bastards. It’s a riot. Actually it reminds me of an old Irish song my Mother used to sing to me during my asthma attacks that went something like “Oh, I never had a Mommy. No one to rock me to sleep. I never had a Mommy….” can’t remember the rest of lyrics, no wonder.
Next Tom I looked at was actor Tom Hanks. Hanks’ parents also divorced in 1960. Hanks would have been around Age 4 or 5. Hanks and his 2 oldest siblings lived with their Father, an electrical engineer. Hanks’ youngest brother lived with their Mother. Both parents remarried. Hanks Father remarried twice after that so Hanks lived with 2 step-mothers. On the Wikipedia site he says that everyone liked each other. He also mentions something to the effect that he didn’t feel like he belonged. Tom Hanks is married to his second wife, Rita, and has 4 children, a daughter and son from his first marriage and 2 sons from his second marriage.
Next Tom I looked at was Tom Cruise. Cruise’s Mother left his Father when Cruise was 12 years old. Cruise and his sister lived with their Mother in poverty until his Mother remarried. Cruise has a bad relationship with his Father who he says was abusive. It seems that his relationship with his Step-Father is positive as Cruise took his step-father’s name. Tom Cruise is on his 3d marriage and has 3 children, 2 with actress Nicole Kidman and 1 with current wife Katie Holmes.
Of these 3, I think that Tom Waits was the only High School Drop Out. I think that none graduated from College, as much because they were following careers rather than failing at something.
As regards Religious preference, Tom Cruise is a follower of Scientology. Tom Hanks followed several Religious affiliations through his childhood and became a Roman Catholic when he married his wife Rita. Tom Waits on his religious upbringing:
“What was it like growing up? Did you have a strict religious background? TW: “Yeah. Had to go to church every Sunday. Wore a tie that cut off the circulation to my head. Then I discovered donuts, cigarettes and coffee when I was fourteen, and that was it for church. My mom said, “Don’t forget that there’s nothing the devil hates more than a singing Christian.” (Source: “What Do You Say To Tom Waits?” The Village Noize, by Bill Dolan. Date: Issue 14, 1993)
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, College Drop Out, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Foster Children, Raised by non-relatives, creativity
“Once upon a midnight dreary”
was written by a Child of D. I suppose it makes sense…
Last week’s New Yorker magazine published an article about Poe’s life called “The Humbug” written by Jill Lepore.
(http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2009/04/27/090427crat_atlarge_lepore)
Edgar Allen Poe was born to an actress. A year after he was born his Father left. Two years after Poe was born his Mother died. Poe and his siblings were separated and Poe was raised by a wealthy merchant and his wife. He was never adopted by these people. It seems that wild swings in financial fortunes and power plays dominated the household of Poe’s childhood and Poe was out on his own by the time he was 17.
He also had drinking and gambling problems from very early on. Financially strapped, Poe joined the military for a while and then attended West Point. He wrote for money. It seems he moved around a lot. His love life seems equally difficult. The women in his life seemed to have suffered illnesses and to have passed away. At age 27 Poe married his 13 year old cousin. The marriage lasted about 12 years before Virginia, his wife, died of tuberculosis. Poe died at Age 40.
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Allan_Poe
Filed under: Abandonment, Raised by non-relatives, Violence, indifferent parents
On Friday night James Harrison and his 16 year old daughter found their wife/mother in a store with another man. The wife is said to have argued with Harrison and told him that she was leaving him for this other man. On Saturday afternoon the neighbors called the police to check on the Harrison’s five children. The police found the 5 children in their home, shot dead. Harrison later killed himself.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090405/ap_on_re_us/children_slain
This is probably a common attitude towards the children in a marriage that is falling apart. It’s great when the media reports these stories because the Psychology community likes to keep them private.
The Yahoo article linked to says that Harrison had a controlling personality and was often heard yelling at his kids. Mrs. Harrison had 1st become pregnant when she was 13.
From the little that I can tell of these people’s lives I can say this is a good argument for using birth control and for bothering to continue to parent kids when they are in their teens so that they don’t get caught making mistakes that they won’t be able to handle later on in life.
It would also be great if parents who are planning on leaving their spouses make plans to get their children out of the house before making the Big Announcement. This is something that one needs to put some thought into. If the spouse is abusive the behavior will only direct itself in ten times worse ways towards the kids after he/she is dumped. Being dumped hurts even if you’re an abusive jerk. Leave the kids with relatives or friends or neighbors. Do not leave them with the dumped parent. Do not let them see their parent in that state.
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence, indifferent parents
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Filed under: Abandonment, Mentally Ill parents, Stepfamilies, The Other Parents Genes, indifferent parents, separate households
Many kids experience the loss of one of the parents. The double relationships are too complicated for day to day life. The manipulations and fighting are miserable. The transferring back and forth and constant planning and arranging for meeting times. The awkward hellos and good-byes that aren’t supposed to exist in a family.
One parent leaves. Usually this is the Father. Sometimes its the Mother. Abandonment by Father is acceptable by society, abandonment by Mother is not. This generally leads to a feeling of confusion and anger for the kid, especially as an adult. There’s a subtle coldness in the eyes of these people if you talk about your parents to them. The parent is out there somewhere, irresponsible and indifferent, maybe dead, maybe not. Fathers will often summon their daughters back once they find out they are dying. I remember this happening to a friend of mine. The Father had left the family destitute and on welfare long ago. He remarried and lived in wealth with his new family, very rarely paying attention to his first three children who were left with a mother who sort of went insane. Suddenly he offered to let the girl live with the family. Turns out they needed a nurse.
The new Mickey Rourke movie Warrior shows this situation. Rourke is an aging professional Wrestler who has a heart attack and can’t wrestle anymore. He suddenly remembers that he has a daughter and he messes up with her one last time. She, of course, gets screwed one last time.
I have no idea what happens when the Mother tries to reconnect. I’ve actually never known anyone in that situation. I do remember a Meryl Streep movie about this. The Son is Gay and dying from AIDS. His Mother has abandonned him years before. Meryl makes you sympathize with her, of course. These situations always require so much sympathy, that’s the problem. There’s a grim, levelled off sense of completion if you can sympathize with a person’s guilt.
Often Divorce can make the situation work so that a relationship can develop between the missing parent and the child. This happened for me. My Father said in part he wanted to be able to connect with his kids. This was partly true and mostly a stupid manipulative thing to say. He shouldn’t have married my friend’s mother if I meant anything to him. But he used it as an excuse. And I did get to know him. And if you get to know your parent you get to know your gene pool. Sometimes that’s not desireable, sometimes it’s very useful.
I can say after the fact that I would have been better off if I hadn’t taken all that extra time to get to know him because it led ultimately to more hurt. I had to watch what he did to my mother, then I had to have it done to me, then I had to have it done to me through his wife. Once is enough. Best to cut the cord. That’s only my opinion, but my opinion comes from experience. But, I did get to know him. I do know that he really did try. I probably lost a big part of my self-respect helping him to be a parent. My feelings for him are still one of shock and indifference. I don’t think a human soul can open up that kind of a box.
Filed under: Abandonment, Books, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Immigration and Divorce, creativity
Junot Diaz is an MIT professor and Pulitizer Prize Winner and Child of D. I’ve passed by his novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao often in the library and in bookstores, but I didn’t know until I heard an NPR show this morning (Nov. 27 or 28, 2008? sorry I’m publishing this a few weeks behind) that Junot Diaz writes variations on memoir about his childhood which includes long separations from his Father. Diaz was born in the Dominican Republic. His Father went to America early in his life and so was absent for much of Diaz’s childhood. Later on the family joined the Father in New Jersey but his Father left them at that point. This happened in 1979 when Diaz would have been around 11 years old. In the NPR Interview Diaz says that he writes from the point of view of growing up as a poor immigrant but he also describes life with an erratic Father presence. I haven’t read his writings but it sounds like he does touch a bit on the subject of separation. Mostly he seems to speak from the point of view of immigration — there’s a bigger audience for this, a complaint that America is proud of rather than interested in sweeping under the rug, ah hem…
Divorce among Immigrants is certainly an interesting topic. Although I have no personal experience in this area, I’ve heard a couple of times that Immigrant families will stick together out of necessity because of moving to a strange place. If that tends to be true a separation connected with a move to a foreign land would make for an extra complicated childhood.
Filed under: Abandonment, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., money
What kind of a childhood makes a child want to grow up and perfect his disappearing act?
The answer is obvious. Just watch Mommy or Daddy disappear. Easiest Show on Earth to copy.
Magician David Blaine just performed another stunt. This time he hung upside down for I don’t know how long. Basically the guy was hurting himself. His acts always involve hurting himself. With the economy taking a nosedive I don’t think this will be what people want to see anymore.
Although the stories of Blaine’s childhood are probably “embellished” it’s quite obvious there was pain there. He’s managed to turn this into a great career.
Here’s an older description of Blaine’s upbringing from The Guardian in an article called “Illusional Grandeur” by Lawrence Donegan. The story sounds exagerrated but the elements of abandonment, desperation, poverty are all there. Interesting how a Child of D who gets ahead has to have an “obsessive compulsive disorder” in order to become successful. The life is probably too distracting for a merely hard working, ambitious person to get ahead.: (www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2003/ang/24/theatre.
The embellishment of one’s life story is a tradition among magicians and for once David Blaine has stuck with tradition. ‘You should never be accurate, you should be entertaining. Houdini, Chaplin; they always told conflicting stories,’ he once said. Certainly, the Blaine story has the quality of a fable. His mother, described in some of his publicity as a gypsy, was a Russian Jew; his father, who fought in Vietnam, is Italian and Puerto Rican. His father left home when the child was four years old, shortly after allegedly making David crawl across a plank of wood laid between the roofs of two 10-storey buildings; thus began a love affair with danger.
‘My father left me and my mother in the ghetto, begging for money,’ Blaine says. His mother, who died when he was 19, took three jobs in order have enough money to put him through a progressive New Jersey school. She was also responsible for introducing him to magic, according to one account – buying him a cheap magic trick when he was child. In another version, he was inspired by a tarot-obsessed grandmother. Take your pick. What is undeniably true is that, by his teens, Blaine was spending more time honing his magic skills than doing his homework. ‘It was like an addiction, an obsessive compulsive disorder.’
Filed under: Abandonment, Birth Order, Movies About Growing Up in Divorce, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., money
Frozen River, a Sundance Film Festival Grand Prize Winner, is an incredible movie about two women who come together as single mothers during the Hellish week after one is left by her gambler husband who has left his family in dire straights. They meet as Ray (abandonned wife) is trying to locate her husband at the local Casino. Lila is the other woman, a Mohawk who is wondering around pretty much an empty grief stricken shell because her husband died and her baby was taken away by his Grandmother (allowed in Mohawk society). The women meet as Lila steals Ray’s husbands’ car which is hardly a typical introduction for friendship but manages to transform into that. Lila has been working with smugglers to transport illegal aliens across the Canadian/New York border. She tricks Ray into working with her.
The story is mostly about the two Women and is set into a social back drop of poverty, addiction, racism, conflicting cultures, smuggling, illegal immigration. That’s a full load already and pretty amazing since the story centers mostly around the characters’ personal problems.
Ray’s two children, a 15 year old son and a 5 year old are very sensitivitely portrayed. The oldest son is given huge amounts of responsibility for someone his age, typical of Children of D, as he takes care of his younger brother and rather woefully tries to come up with the money lost by his Father. His brother is too young to pay much attention. You don’t see these boys out with their buddies. They hang out together and with the TV. If you live constantly with the anxiety and threat of loss of a parent or your house you are less likely to be able to go out and play.
Repression of Rage and Desperation are constantly seething below the surface of this movie and toward the end dissolve into a really wonderful redemption for all characters. I’m no movie critic but the acting seems to be awesome all around and I suspect that the Direction is stunning.
Really great movie.
Link to LA Times review:
http://www.calendarlive.com/movies/reviews/cl-et-river1-2008aug01,0,2791629.story
rozen River, a Sundance Film Festival Grand Prize Winner, is an incredible movie about two women who come together as single mothers during the Hellish week after one is left by her gambler husband who has left his family in dire straights. They meet as Ray (abandonned wife) is trying to locate her husband at the local Casino. Lila is the other woman, a Mohawk who is wondering around pretty much an empty grief stricken shell because her husband died and her baby was taken away by his Grandmother (allowed in Mohawk society). The women meet as Lila steals Ray’s husbands’ car which is hardly a typical introduction for friendship but manages to transform into that. Lila has been working with smugglers to transport illegal aliens across the Canadian/New York border. She tricks Ray into working with her.
The story is mostly about the two Women and is set into a social back drop of poverty, addiction, racism, conflicting cultures, smuggling, illegal immigration. That’s a full load already and pretty amazing since the story centers mostly around the characters’ personal problems.
Ray’s two children, a 15 year old son and a 5 year old are very sensitivitely portrayed. The oldest son is given huge amounts of responsibility for someone his age, typical of Children of D, as he takes care of his younger brother and rather woefully tries to come up with the money lost by his Father. His brother is too young to pay much attention. You don’t see these boys out with their buddies. They hang out together and with the TV. If you live constantly with the anxiety and threat of loss of a parent or your house you are less likely to be able to go out and play.
Repression of Rage and Desperation are constantly seething below the surface of this movie and toward the end dissolve into a really wonderful redemption for all characters. I’m no movie critic but the acting seems to be awesome all around and I suspect that the Direction is stunning.
Really great movie.
Link to LA Times review:
http://www.calendarlive.com/movies/reviews/cl-et-river1-2008aug01,0,2791629.story
