Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Astrology stuff, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Immigration and Divorce, Living with Aunts and Uncles, Suicide, creativity
One of the great old time masters of detective mystery writing, Raymond Chandler, was a Child of D. Chandler’s Mother was an Irish Immigrant. His Father was a civil engineer who was alcoholic. The family moved around quite a bit because the father worked for the railroad. Dad was absent a great deal of the time and eventually abandoned the family. Chandler was raised by his Mother. His uncle supported the pair financially.
I’m not sure when the divorce actually occurred. Chandler’s Mother took him to Europe for awhile when he was around 11 or 12. Supposedly they took a boat in June, 1900. Chandler was going through his Jupiter Return at that time.
Since I’ve found multiple examples of kids who go through their parents’ split during or around the time of their Jupiter Return who tend to become successful in Jupiterian Professions like Law, Publishing, Higher Education, Religion, etc. I’m pretty excited to find this prominence in Chandler’s chart. I’m finding a lot of published writers whose parents split apart during this Return phase at any rate.
Success doesn’t guarantee happiness, of course. Chandler suffered his own struggle with alcoholism just like his Father. His Jupiter was in Scorpio (murder, crime, the dark side, detective work) opposing Neptune (escapism, addiction). The Wikipedia biography on Chandler is really interesting. He married a woman who was 18 years his senior (Venus c. Saturn-Sun-NN) and it seems that when she died he became despondent and tried to commit suicide. It sounds like he suffered from serious depression his whole life.
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Birth Order, Movies About Growing Up in Divorce
The Boys are Back is an Australian movie about a man whose second wife dies leaving him with his 6-year old son to raise alone while in the middle of grieving. The entire vibe of the household changes as the single Father sets up house the way he thinks is fitting. And then into this commotion his English first wife sends their son over to visit. The Father hasn’t seen this son in 8 years (I might have the years wrong).
The marquee outside the movie theater said this is based on a real story which is believable because, although in the end all problems seem to have been solved (which is unlikely because no Father who is that good looking is going to be single for such a long time) the relationships and the way the emotions come out really does seem genuine. The feelings of the children is explored. This isn’t just another film about an American parent who has to think of some way to make his child useful to his life. The older son from the divorced older family is clearly left out of the picture, feels like the oddball out for a very long time in the story and the Father confronts these feelings. He confronts his absentee Fathering. There’s no denial. The Father takes an active role as a parent rather than letting the relationship slide. So I guess it really is make-believe because that just doesn’t happen in real life.
Although death and divorce are talked about in one breath together in real life they are really so much different, especially for the kids. Death brings finality. The grief involved has to do with coming to terms with complete loss. Divorce brings complete loss of secure family (which can’t be discussed), feelings of failure, guilt, trying to fix things, false hopes, maybe relief (although the only people I’ve ever heard say this were shrinks), and just general dis-ease and awkwardness that one has to get used to.
Anyway, this is probably the only movie that I remember being able to relate to on an emotional level. Maybe that’s because I’ve experienced both Divorce and Death of parents. At any rate, it will make you laugh. It will make you cry. And it will make you wish you could live in the Grandmother’s house which is so cool.
Filed under: Alcoholism, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Health, Household Pets, Raised by non-relatives, Uncategorized
In 1937, his parents divorced and he was passed from relative to relative before being returned to his alcoholic father, experiences that profoundly shaped his life. ‘A nomadic existence made Nature my companion of choice, because the outdoors was the one part of my world I perceived to hold rock steady. Animals and plants I could count on; human relationships were more difficult.’
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/oct/01/usa.science
Sociobiologist Edward O. Wilson whose parents divorced when he was 7 years old found a creative outlet for his expression through the life style brought on by his parents’ divorce. The year of the divorce he was blinded in one eye during a fishing accident. The eyesight in his other eye began to lose vision and he began to lose the ability to hear in the upper registers, so lost the ability to hear bird songs.
Because he obviously is incredibly adaptable (and adaptable) he continued his love of the observation of nature by focusing on the study of insects later on in college. They were small and could be observed close up.
In my late 20s when I was dating around in desperation, looking for the perfect guy, I remember coming to the conclusion that you can’t go wrong with a guy named “Tom.” I don’t know why that is. The ones I met just seemed to be so much more nicer than the guys I dated, the Johns, the Harry’s, the I don’t even remember that guy’s name guy. I would look in distant admiration at parties at the girl’s who dated the guys named Tom. Their futures just seemed secure already. Is there some kind of subliminal indicator in a name that suggests “In Tom We Trust?”
I’m trying to avoid talking about celebrities too much here in the Exemplaries Section because Success in Entertainment seems to be an unrealistic ambition for most of us to pursue. Hollywood is full of Children of D. Entertainment is probably the most realistic ambition for children of D since they can focus on Career over Family at an early age. And it provides an escape and a creative outlet. Even so, I can’t help myself. These Toms, they are an exemplary set of guys.
I was utterly delighted to find that the 3 Toms I could immediately think of are all Children of D.
What set off this little fantasy memory is the review I read last week-end about a biography of the singer/musician Tom Waits (sorry, can’t remember which newspaper). Tom Waits doesn’t really seem like the ideal date guy, I sort of attribute his stability to his wife who must be an angel, but he apparently has an extremely long marriage to one person who he attributes much of his sobriety and even his success to.
According to the review (which I can’t link to, sorry, but look at Wikipedia and google around for his book) Tom Waits’ Father left his family in 1960 when Waits was 10 years old. His Father was music loving and stayed up all night and was alcoholic. Waits’ entire career is based on projecting this persona. Wonder if he would have become a success if his Father had remained at home. In many cases a kid is probably saved by Divorce from too much exposure to the “Fun” parent.
After the Divorce, Waits lived with his Mother in Southern California. The family first lived in Whittier (Los Angeles county) and then moved South to National City in San Diego County. I don’t know what National City is like now but in the 60s it was basically a town full of Tom Waits look-a-likes. It wasn’t really a garden spot where you would want to raise your kids. Waits dropped out of high school and began his musical career.
Waits has been married to his wife Kathleen, since 1980. They have 3 Children.
Check out the lyrics from his song “Children’s Story” from the album Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers and Bastards. It’s a riot. Actually it reminds me of an old Irish song my Mother used to sing to me during my asthma attacks that went something like “Oh, I never had a Mommy. No one to rock me to sleep. I never had a Mommy….” can’t remember the rest of lyrics, no wonder.
Next Tom I looked at was actor Tom Hanks. Hanks’ parents also divorced in 1960. Hanks would have been around Age 4 or 5. Hanks and his 2 oldest siblings lived with their Father, an electrical engineer. Hanks’ youngest brother lived with their Mother. Both parents remarried. Hanks Father remarried twice after that so Hanks lived with 2 step-mothers. On the Wikipedia site he says that everyone liked each other. He also mentions something to the effect that he didn’t feel like he belonged. Tom Hanks is married to his second wife, Rita, and has 4 children, a daughter and son from his first marriage and 2 sons from his second marriage.
Next Tom I looked at was Tom Cruise. Cruise’s Mother left his Father when Cruise was 12 years old. Cruise and his sister lived with their Mother in poverty until his Mother remarried. Cruise has a bad relationship with his Father who he says was abusive. It seems that his relationship with his Step-Father is positive as Cruise took his step-father’s name. Tom Cruise is on his 3d marriage and has 3 children, 2 with actress Nicole Kidman and 1 with current wife Katie Holmes.
Of these 3, I think that Tom Waits was the only High School Drop Out. I think that none graduated from College, as much because they were following careers rather than failing at something.
As regards Religious preference, Tom Cruise is a follower of Scientology. Tom Hanks followed several Religious affiliations through his childhood and became a Roman Catholic when he married his wife Rita. Tom Waits on his religious upbringing:
“What was it like growing up? Did you have a strict religious background? TW: “Yeah. Had to go to church every Sunday. Wore a tie that cut off the circulation to my head. Then I discovered donuts, cigarettes and coffee when I was fourteen, and that was it for church. My mom said, “Don’t forget that there’s nothing the devil hates more than a singing Christian.” (Source: “What Do You Say To Tom Waits?” The Village Noize, by Bill Dolan. Date: Issue 14, 1993)
Filed under: Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, High School Drop Out, Mentally Ill parents, PTSD, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., School Drop Out - High School or College, Violence, separate households
Today there is news that an ex soldier in Iraq has been found guilty of having Murdered a family in order to rape the 14 year old daughter. The ex-soldier is Stephen Green from Texas. He and a group of other soldiers had planned the rape. Green’s murders apparently came as a surprise. They were stationed in a particularly troublesome spot in the war zone known as The Triangle of Death. A Washington Post article by Andrew Tilgman tells about his meeting with Green and his group. It’s called “I came over here because I wanted to kill people.” Apparently, the reporter didn’t pay attention to Green’s words because he had heard this sort of brute honesty from all the soldiers. The article alluded to a troublesome childhood so grudgingly I looked to see if Green was a Child of D. Despite his minor offenses with the law and an angry personality Green was allowed into the military during a time when enlistments were down.
I’ve sort of been watching all this attention on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder regarding the Iraq War and have wondered if the problem is just now receiving attention or if all the Children of D are enlisting in order to get away from stressful situations and then are buckling under the extra stresses of war.
Green was born on May 2, 1985. Spent early years in Midland, TX. Parents divorced but don’t know what age. Green moved to Seabrook Texas with his Mother. She remarried when he was around 8 years old. Reports say that Green had a troubled, angry personality from about Junior High School years onward. His Mother is said to have “had problems” and was jailed for 6 months in 2000 and he went to live with his Father back in Midland. He dropped out in 2002 while in the 10th Grade but managed to get his equivalency degree in 2003 from a Community College. Green was in trouble with the law for minor offenses of smoking, pot, alcohol consumption. It was noted on the records that he must have had trouble at home because he didn’t list either parent as a contact. Green lived with his estranged step-father for a while at some point.
Source from The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/14/us/14private.html
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, College Drop Out, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Foster Children, Raised by non-relatives, creativity
“Once upon a midnight dreary”
was written by a Child of D. I suppose it makes sense…
Last week’s New Yorker magazine published an article about Poe’s life called “The Humbug” written by Jill Lepore.
(http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2009/04/27/090427crat_atlarge_lepore)
Edgar Allen Poe was born to an actress. A year after he was born his Father left. Two years after Poe was born his Mother died. Poe and his siblings were separated and Poe was raised by a wealthy merchant and his wife. He was never adopted by these people. It seems that wild swings in financial fortunes and power plays dominated the household of Poe’s childhood and Poe was out on his own by the time he was 17.
He also had drinking and gambling problems from very early on. Financially strapped, Poe joined the military for a while and then attended West Point. He wrote for money. It seems he moved around a lot. His love life seems equally difficult. The women in his life seemed to have suffered illnesses and to have passed away. At age 27 Poe married his 13 year old cousin. The marriage lasted about 12 years before Virginia, his wife, died of tuberculosis. Poe died at Age 40.
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Allan_Poe
Article explaining the 6 types of women who murder their children and their motives. Divorce is not mentioned as a cause. How strange is that? This is probably very common in divorced families. My Mother tried to commit suicide several times and, after my brother left for college, was threatening to kill me because in her words it’s not worth it for a woman to live through this. I talked about this with the first therapist I went to. I remember how self-conscious I felt trying to cry for him as he said that he detected redness in my eyes.
Over the years my insomnia from this event has become increasingly worse, not better. I don’t remember the events very well at all but can instantly feel the terror in my stomach as my mother was yelling that she had bought a gun from her boyfriend and was going to shoot me in my sleep.
The article below says that 600 children a year are killed by their Mothers. This means that a much greater number is living with the constant threats the way I did. I never really believed that my Mother would kill me and never discussed it with anyone. It was just part of a huge set of episodes that were related to the Divorce. (from: www.expertclick.com/newsreleasewire/default.cfm?Action-Release Detail/ID-10548):
| : Mothers who murder their children | ||
| Los Angeles, CA | October 21 2005 | |
| More than 600 mothers kill their children each year, which gives rise to a psychological condition described as “maternal filicide,” according to a child psychologist who has reviewed the worldwide research on this topic. “There are six major personality profiles of mothers who kill their children,” said Los Angeles psychologist Robert R. Butterworth, Ph.D. He describes what the psychological research tells us about the different types of mothers who murder their children and their possible motivations:– The Mentally Ill Mother: A woman who may be acutely psychotic, having serious psychological disturbances starting from her own childhood or her parents, which may be instrumental in causing her own psychological problem to surface. An inadequacy in handling aggression, probably originating from a disturbed relationship with the murderer’s own parents, which could include hereditary influences. – The Retaliating Mother: A woman who is jealous of her husband and envious of the child because of the attention that it receives from others, whereas the mother may have had little or no attention in her own childhood, which leads to a disturbed, immature, nongiving relationship with the child. The filicide could be motivated by revenge, especially with male children; the mother’s anger toward the child’s father may be displaced onto the male child, who reminds the mother of the child’s father. – The Depressed Mother: Research shows that more than a third of the mothers killed their children under the influence of depression or what could be an extended form of suicide: “I kill the one I most love — my child.” Thus a child is particularly vulnerable when a depressive illness is present. The risk becomes high when depressive illness is combined with certain types of personality structures. – The Unwanted or Unexpected Mother: Unwanted or unplanned children, especially in countries where birth control and abortion are difficult to obtain, are more likely to suffer from maternal filicide. – The Merciful Mother: A sick or diseased child is killed by the loving mother to protect the child from pain and suffering. – The Battering Mother: In a fit of rage, they accidentally batter the child to death. Other findings: – The high frequency of altruistic motives distinguish filicide from other homicides. – Crime statistics show that mothers are more rarely or more mildly punished for filicide than fathers. – Mothers kill children only, but men who kill their children are more likely to kill their wives. – Suicide or attempted suicide following the crime was also more likely with fathers. |
||
| Robert Butterworth Director |
||
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence, indifferent parents
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Filed under: Alcoholism, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Uncategorized
While Googling around on the Internet the other day I stumbled on a blog that was written by a Child of D. The blog was sort of a personal diary, not specifically about being a Child of D (they never are), but the writer said that one of the chief personality traits that she thought was a fall out from coming from a Divorce was that she tended to spy on people. This reminded me of filmmaker Brian De Palma’s story of becoming a filmmaker as a kid by trying to catch his Father with another woman on camera. This reminded me also of my step-sister who I found one day standing with her husband outside of my door when I came home. We hadn’t talked in ten years. If you spy on people, you don’t ever have to talk to them. I don’t know if this is typical Child of D behavior. I know it’s consistent behavior among addicts and alcoholics, though, who live in a constant state of paranoia over getting caught and placing blame. Co-dependents, the people who live with the addicts, also have a high “spy” rate.
Growing up in Divorce makes a kid grow up fast. One learns that people aren’t what they seem and are definitely not what they say they are. In order to get to the truth, one must get the facts on one’s own.
Parents, of course, use their children to spy on their ex’s. The old interrogation procedures becomes old hat. Here is a link to a question and answer on Yahoo called: “Do you ever spy on your (ex) spouse through your kids?”
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080407224120AAATvxC
They say that people living in urban environments are photographed about 75 times a day. Cameras are everywhere. There was a story on the news the other night that personal spy companies are faring very well through the economic downturn. Course, I’ve read enough stories of step-mommies setting up video cams in order to catch their step-children, but that’s to be expected. Parenting through nannycams, hmmm. Real mothers don’t need nannycams.
