Filed under: Astrology stuff, Books, Healing, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., therapy
Amazon.com is taking pre-orders for a new book that’s coming out concerning Adult Children of D and relationships. I haven’t looked at it but the synopses and reviews looks interesting. It’s pretty pricey at $40.00 so I guess it might be marketed to and written for Mental Health Professionals.
Adult Children of Divorce: Confused Love Seekers by Geraldine K. Piorkowski
An Astrological Note: The word “Confusion” indicates a link between Neptune and growing up in Divorce. “Romantic Love” in a chivalrous way is ruled by Sun/Leo. “Romantic Love” in an idealistic way is ruled by Neptune. Libra/Venus rules Marriage.
The Following Reviews and Synopsis are taken from Amazon.com:
Review
“Piorkowski demonstrates her masterful understanding of the developmental experiences that facilitate and those that interfere with intimate relationships.”–Alice Bernstein, PhD,, Past President, Chicago Association for Psychoanalytic Psychology“Piorkowski’s unique contribution is to help us understand why adult children of divorce find it so difficult to develop true intimacy. They frequently lack the blueprint that would enable them to move from an idealistic picture of romantic love to the more realistic one of commitment and skills needed to develop true long term sustaining relationships. Her penetrating analyis clearly indicates the urgent need to guide and support these confused love seekers.”–Michele Baldwin, PhD., Chicago Center for Family Health
“What is love? Our parents’ divorce undermined the idea that love is forever. The media feeds us the myth that love appears instantly and magically heals all our wounds. Today’s grown children of divorce are confused in the realm of love. Dr. Piorkowski brings a wealth of compassion, over twenty years of clinical experience, and a discerning eye on current research to help grown children of divorce to find the love they are looking for and to form the stable relationships they hope to give to their own children.”–Elizabeth Marquardt, Author, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
“Dr. Piorkowski’s book defines in depth the concept of love from a philosophical, cultural and artistic perspective providing the reader with a foundation by which they can reach their own determination as to the true meaning and feeling of love. Aided with this knowledge, the reader can better understand an interpersonal relationship. Then the book focuses on the viable by-product of failed “love,” as most strongly illustrated by children of divorce. Piorkowski examines how they react and how they can manage their own relationships to avoid the pitfalls of the past.”–Floyd N. Nadler, P.C., Nadler, Pritikin & Mirabelli LLC
Product Description
Romantic love is often an elusive, fragile, and tenuous state, difficult to maintain across years. The rates of divorce, re-divorce, relationship violence, and abuse today attest to the fact that Americans are failing at romantic love. For teenaged and adult children of divorce, romantic love is especially elusive. Because they have no road map of a satisfying, stable romantic relationship derived from their own parents, they are confused about what love is and tend to make poor partner choices. Borrowing heavily from popular culture for their unrealistic standards regarding love, they become disillusioned when their all-too-ordinary lovers don’t measure up. Especially vulnerable to the problems their parents had, they tend to overreact in a similar negative fashion and are all too ready to consider divorce when unhappiness strikes. In trying to halt intergenerational transmission of divorce, Psychologist Piorkowski points out how American popular culture presents an over-sexualized, explosive, and superficial version of romantic love that can’t last. With this book, adult children of divorce can begin to recognize how they have been affected by familial experiences and develop a new, realistic map to provide directions for more fulfilling and enduring romantic relationships. Piorkowski, in an extensive review of literature, also looks at cultural factors and how they impact romantic love and marriage. In contrast to American popular culture’s shallow rendition of romantic love, many cultures elsewhere in the world emphasize compatibility, religion, and family allegiance. As a result, says the author, such marriages appear more stable than American unions built upon the shifting sands of emotion.
Filed under: Birth Order, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Healing, Myths, Stepfamilies
The Greek Myths are a great resource for learning about Children of D and Step-Family Hell. The Myth of Hercules is a great example.
This is a story about philandering Fathers, Jealous & Powerful Step-Mothers, Loss of Birthright, Dealing with Enemies, and finding Redemption. The story of Hercules’ 12 Labors, or 10 Labors, is often told. The evils that Hercules had to conquer are often retold, the Nemean Lion, the Apples of Hesperides, the Hound of Hades, these are common stories. The motive behind the story is not talked about. That would upset the parents and the therapists.
Hercules, in a fit of madness induced by his jealous step-mother, killed his wife and children and withdrew from the world. In order to redeem himself he had to defeat a list of demons that were decided for him by his worst enemy, the step-brother who usurped his birthright to be King. This was Hera’s son.
Here’s part of the Wikipedia article:
The framing narrative
Zeus, having made Alcmene pregnant with Hercules, proclaimed that the next son born of the house of Perseus would become king. Hera, Zeus’ wife, hearing this, caused Eurystheus to be born two months early as he was of the house of Perseus, while Hercules, also of the house, was three months overdue. When he found out what had been done, Zeus was furious; however, his rash proclamation still stood.
In a fit of madness, induced by Hera, Hercules slew his wife, Megara, and their three children. The fit then receded. Realizing what he had done, he isolated himself, going into the wilderness and living alone. He was found (by his cousin Theseus) and convinced to visit the Oracle at Delphi to regain his honor. The Oracle told him that as a penance he would have to perform a series of ten tasks, or labors, set by King Eurystheus, the man who had taken Hercules’ birthright and the man he hated the most.
Hercules never became King but according to some of the myths he did become immortal for being such a hero. This is a great story to study and to gain wisdom and inspiration from in order to survive how lousy family life can be.
Here’s another summary of his story, slightly different from the Wikipedia entry:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Greek-Mythology-Hercules:-The-Mortal-Who-Became-A-God&id=37435
Filed under: Astrology stuff, Healing, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., links to articles | Tags: Astrology
Here’s an interesting article on Children and Adults who are resilient called “Resilience can be improved upon” written by L.J. Anderson in Palo Alto Daily News (http://www.paloaltodailynews.com/article/2008-4-1-anderson).
Anderson in particular talks about helping Children to learn how to overcome adversity. Of course, she lists all types of adversity that a child goes through without mentioning divorce: “Death of a parent, abandonment, or being victimized by violence.” Can’t say that I can get used to this. Obviously not getting angry over other people’s denial is a big one in surviving whatever life can throw at you.
Anderson mentions psychologist Edith Grotberg, Ph.D who has done research on Resilience. Grotberg has written a book called Tapping Your Inner Strength: How to Find the Resilience to Deal with Anything.
I like in particular that she uses Keywords that are similar to Astrological Keywords. The meanings tend to blur in different directions from the Astrological Models. One Child of D who’s an astrologer told me that she figured her parents’ divorce didn’t affect her strongly because she had an empty 4th house. And indeed I have noticed in my research so far on famous Children of D that a lack of planets in the 4th house of Family and Home is in an indicator of success in the outside world. Putting planets in a certain house brings attention to those matters in the person’s life. When things go wrong in that area one is more likely to dwell on those issues. The 4th house is also tricky because it involves feelings, Keywords for this House are “I feel.” Grotberg’s Keywords literally relate to the 1st House of Aries (I Am), 2d house of Taurus (“I Have”) and 10th House of Capricorn (“I Can”). Her descriptions seem to involve all the signs included in the relative Cardinal and Fixed Houses. Interestingly, Mutable Sign Houses are left out. Those are the Houses with Keywords “I think” “I analyze” “I see” and “I believe.” This really does relate directly to why there are no Intellectual Children of D.
Here’s a huge chunk of the article.
Q: How resilient are children, and can parents help develop resiliency in their children?
A: Resilience is a human capacity to deal with, overcome, learn from, or even be transformed by the inevitable adversities of life. With that definition, we know that we already have the capacity. The challenge is to promote resilience so that it is there when needed to face adversities. And starting with children is highly desirable – assuming parents or other adults are already resilient. The resilience that I found in my research lent itself easily to three categories: I HAVE, I AM and I CAN, which include characteristics inherent in resilience.
1) I HAVE (external supports): one or more persons within my family I can trust and who love me without reservation; one or more persons outside my family I can trust without reservation; limits to my behavior; people who encourage me to be independent; good role models; access to health, education, and the social and security services I need; and a stable family and community.
2) I AM (inner strengths): a person most people like; generally calm and good-natured; an achiever who plans for the future; a person who respects myself and others; empathic and caring of others; responsible for my behavior and accepting of the consequences; and a confident, optimistic, hopeful person, with faith.
3) I CAN (interpersonal and problem-solving skills): generate new ideas or new ways to do things; stay with a task until it is finished; see the humor in life and use it to reduce tensions; express thoughts and feelings in communication with others; solve problems in various settings – academic, job-related, personal and social; manage my behavior – feelings, impulses, acting out; and reach out for help when I need it.
These factors are used in dynamic resilience with each other, changing as needed, to address the adversity. These are clearly for adults as well as children.
Filed under: Abandonment, Books, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Healing | Tags: Exemplary Children of Divorce
I’ve avoided talking about Professional Athletes from Divorced Families. I don’t know for certain but assume that there are a lot from Divorced Families. If things at home are a little bit difficult to be around it seems that Sports would be an easy way to focus on something positive for very talented children with a lot of discipline and drive. “Go out and play!” is the Single Parent’s fighting song, lol, just get the Hell out of my overburdened way. Society, at least American Society, also encourages Sports and provides nice pay offs. So I’ll start looking at the Success Stories from Sports now, although I realize I still have one more bout with the Intellectuals’ list.
Superstar Cyclist Lance Armstrong has been open about his childhood so I’ll start with him. Armstrong has broken the Tour de France record by winning the race 7 times in a row from 1999 to 2005. And he did this after surviving a serious bout with Testicular Cancer that had spread to his Brain & Lungs at Age 25. Everything in his life seems to have worked in extreme patterns starting with his childhood. His Mother has been married and divorced 4 times.
Armstrong’s Father left his Mother when Lance was 2 years old. Within a year his Mother had remarried and Armstrong was adopted by his Step-Father. I don’t have the information about how long this household lasted and don’t know about Armstrong’s other 2 Step-Fathers. The Wikipedia article says that Armstrong refuses to meet his real Father and that his Step-Father is “deceitful.”
I’ve never read it, but the title of Armstrong’s book, It’s Not About the Bike, pretty much explains a person who is able to transcend through multiple layers of challenges with super human talents. Truly amazing.
Armstrong is divorced himself and has 3 children (May 8, 1998 – Sept. 2003). His relationship with the singer Sheryl Crow was very public but ended just before she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer (Autumn 2003 – Feb. 2006).
Armstrong has retired from professional cycling but has continued to give his time to work with Cancer patients through the Lance Armstrong Foundation. He also participates in Marathons which he says are more difficult than the Tour de France.
Filed under: Exemplary Children of Divorce, Healing | Tags: Exemplary Children of Divorce
Oprah is putting on a special web event with Eckhart Tolle in order to teach his book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. It started last Monday Night, March 3, and will continue for 9 more weeks.
Anyone can find information about it here: http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/webevent_registration.html.
Both Oprah and Eckhart are amazingly successful Children of Divorce.
Oprah, of course, is Queen of Everything she touches. She is constantly looking way new ways to discover how to deal with life’s problems. She was born to two teenagers who didn’t stay together. She lived with both parents during her childhood and most of her story is well-known.
Eckhart Tolle was born in Germany. His childhood biography is scant. His parents divorced at some point and he moved to Spain at Age 13 to live with his Father. At this point, he quit going to school as well. Much later on, he went on to college in England where he was very successful. But, until he was 29 Tolle suffered from intense depressions and anxieties. At that point he became aware that he had a choice between hanging on to the problems or digging deeper to find his own true self that was free of these problems. Another lesson he realized was to stop resisting everything.
That’s always been my big problem. Not to change the subject but this reminds me of the movie Napolean Dynamite. That’s a story of two messed up brothers being raised by their Grandmother (no mention of parents). Both are really odd and lonely. Their story begins to turn around when they begin to agree to new adventures. I remember sort of hearing a background mantra of the characters in that movie saying “Okay” when anything was suggested. That always led to the next event and eventually to their happiness.
Anyway, women tend to get used as the hausfrau by parent and raped by their dates when they’re that easy going so I guess maybe in reality it’s not really that easy.
This was a rant. That weird scrambling of the blog entries yesterday has me a little distressed. I looked on the help forums and some other people have been experiencing the same thing. I’ve got a creepy ex-step-sister who works for Homeland Security so I’m a little paranoid. In my twenties I came home one day and found her and her husband standing outside my house. They lived out of town and didn’t call, of course, just decided to spy and got caught. Creepy.
Filed under: Healing, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence
I had an opportunity to her the writer/psychotherapist, Rachel Naomi Remen, speak. Boy, what an amazing woman. For years various people have recommended Kitchen Table Wisdom and What My Grandfather Taught Me but I’ve never read either book. Remen is the daughter of a Rabbi and I think she got his genes. She is absolutely one of the most spiritual and healing people I’ve ever heard speak. I’ve never been able to look much at Religion because I just don’t like Fundamentalists and Wars but I can see how I’m really missing something.
Remen was talking about mostly other topics but what she said about Anger is what I want to talk now. Simply, she said that Anger is a protective barrier we put up in order to protect our Innocence.
Growing up in Divorce, a child loses so much innocence that kids from Normal Families take for granted.
In my own life, I think this began a snowball effect in the types of relationships I took on. I began to befriend increasingly more manipulative types of personalities. Well, this began with my step-sister who sort of used our relationship to hook her mother up with my father and his money. Not the usual Junior High type of buddy.
I think that these people’s negativity maybe made me feel like I somehow was proving to me that I had retained some of my innocence. I wonder if this is why Children of Divorce often have higher victimization rates in crime. I’m thinking in particular of the pregnant women in the news who have been murdered by their boyfriends/husbands (spoke about it earlier).
As critical as I am of Psychologists I can still recognize that some of them have done some good work. One is Dr. James Pennebaker who has proved that writing can help a person get through a difficult emotional time. Dr. Pennebaker has found that a very simple exercise can help a person to improve his/her attitudes about life by a large degree. I like simplicity. The exercise is here: http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2005/writing.html. Pennebaker has written a book but I don’t have the title.
Other people are also working in this field. I tend to prefer taking classes from real writers because they emphasize training one to observe the world around more clearly rather than just ranting on a page. But, you know, whatever. One great beginning exercise I learned in a class was just to sit down and write a sentence describing the room you’re in by way of only one of your senses. Taste, Vision, Smell, Hearing, Touch. After that, describe the room through another sense. Then pick another sense. Then give up unless you’re really obsessive. It’s interesting to see which senses you choose. Anyway, almost always this makes me appreciate the gifts of where I am much more than when I first started.
And, of course, if your house is filthy and the yard is a mess and your drunk Mommy is screaming at her drunk boyfriend because he just stumbled over the lamp and broke it, then the “gifts” in your life exist at a very, very deep level. You might want to hide what you write, in other words.
