Filed under: Abandonment, Raised by non-relatives, Violence, indifferent parents
On Friday night James Harrison and his 16 year old daughter found their wife/mother in a store with another man. The wife is said to have argued with Harrison and told him that she was leaving him for this other man. On Saturday afternoon the neighbors called the police to check on the Harrison’s five children. The police found the 5 children in their home, shot dead. Harrison later killed himself.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090405/ap_on_re_us/children_slain
This is probably a common attitude towards the children in a marriage that is falling apart. It’s great when the media reports these stories because the Psychology community likes to keep them private.
The Yahoo article linked to says that Harrison had a controlling personality and was often heard yelling at his kids. Mrs. Harrison had 1st become pregnant when she was 13.
From the little that I can tell of these people’s lives I can say this is a good argument for using birth control and for bothering to continue to parent kids when they are in their teens so that they don’t get caught making mistakes that they won’t be able to handle later on in life.
It would also be great if parents who are planning on leaving their spouses make plans to get their children out of the house before making the Big Announcement. This is something that one needs to put some thought into. If the spouse is abusive the behavior will only direct itself in ten times worse ways towards the kids after he/she is dumped. Being dumped hurts even if you’re an abusive jerk. Leave the kids with relatives or friends or neighbors. Do not leave them with the dumped parent. Do not let them see their parent in that state.
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence, indifferent parents
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Filed under: Abandonment, Mentally Ill parents, Stepfamilies, The Other Parents Genes, indifferent parents, separate households
Many kids experience the loss of one of the parents. The double relationships are too complicated for day to day life. The manipulations and fighting are miserable. The transferring back and forth and constant planning and arranging for meeting times. The awkward hellos and good-byes that aren’t supposed to exist in a family.
One parent leaves. Usually this is the Father. Sometimes its the Mother. Abandonment by Father is acceptable by society, abandonment by Mother is not. This generally leads to a feeling of confusion and anger for the kid, especially as an adult. There’s a subtle coldness in the eyes of these people if you talk about your parents to them. The parent is out there somewhere, irresponsible and indifferent, maybe dead, maybe not. Fathers will often summon their daughters back once they find out they are dying. I remember this happening to a friend of mine. The Father had left the family destitute and on welfare long ago. He remarried and lived in wealth with his new family, very rarely paying attention to his first three children who were left with a mother who sort of went insane. Suddenly he offered to let the girl live with the family. Turns out they needed a nurse.
The new Mickey Rourke movie Warrior shows this situation. Rourke is an aging professional Wrestler who has a heart attack and can’t wrestle anymore. He suddenly remembers that he has a daughter and he messes up with her one last time. She, of course, gets screwed one last time.
I have no idea what happens when the Mother tries to reconnect. I’ve actually never known anyone in that situation. I do remember a Meryl Streep movie about this. The Son is Gay and dying from AIDS. His Mother has abandonned him years before. Meryl makes you sympathize with her, of course. These situations always require so much sympathy, that’s the problem. There’s a grim, levelled off sense of completion if you can sympathize with a person’s guilt.
Often Divorce can make the situation work so that a relationship can develop between the missing parent and the child. This happened for me. My Father said in part he wanted to be able to connect with his kids. This was partly true and mostly a stupid manipulative thing to say. He shouldn’t have married my friend’s mother if I meant anything to him. But he used it as an excuse. And I did get to know him. And if you get to know your parent you get to know your gene pool. Sometimes that’s not desireable, sometimes it’s very useful.
I can say after the fact that I would have been better off if I hadn’t taken all that extra time to get to know him because it led ultimately to more hurt. I had to watch what he did to my mother, then I had to have it done to me, then I had to have it done to me through his wife. Once is enough. Best to cut the cord. That’s only my opinion, but my opinion comes from experience. But, I did get to know him. I do know that he really did try. I probably lost a big part of my self-respect helping him to be a parent. My feelings for him are still one of shock and indifference. I don’t think a human soul can open up that kind of a box.
The Sunday San Jose Mercury News was just brimming today with interesting articles to link to. The link below discusses talking with parents about their finances and last wishes. People who grew up in split homes are likely to have grown up observing really intense negotiations over finances so this is either easier to do with their parents because it’s familiar behavior, or it will bring up long lost stress over having watched the fighting.
Just wait until the parents get old, sick and infirm. You’ve got two sets of them to care for. Each set doesn’t acknowledge that the other set exists. Talk about a lonely existence and feelings of being used. After all, if you grew up in a divorced family you already know that you received less parenting than people who didn’t.
Now you’ve also got their Spouses to fight with over who gets what. This is already a taboo subject, very difficult to discuss. People don’t want to discuss their Death. The don’t want to discuss their stuff and their money. They’ve already spent an entire Divorce or two fighting over that. The step-parents will accuse the kids of being selfish if they bring the subject up. And just try having to face doing it twice!!! If the parents are remarried the kids at least will have less responsibility for their care.
Parents don’t understand that how they write their Wills and what they leave to their Children is their last statement to them and ultimately to the world. The kids won’t talk about being disinherited but it is an extremely humiliating and cold statement for a parent to make to his/her kid.
Someone called up my brother and I to ask about our Father. My brother’s response was “I don’t have anything to share about him. He didn’t even leave me a pencil. Forget about him.” (And then he gave a very nice statement). My Father’s career will be almost forgotten. His papers, which have probably become collectible, were all left to his wife who no doubt threw everything out that she couldn’t get some money out of.
The article is called: “Talk with parents about their finances, last wishes.” by Pamela Yip. http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_9868273
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Suicide, indifferent parents, self-absorbed parents, therapy
I suppose “Problematic” is a fairly gentle term for some of the screws up that spawn from Divorce. Not all Mass Murderers come from broken homes, but, frankly, I’m sort of surprised that more aren’t. Here’s one. He wasn’t even on psych drugs. But he did tell his therapists that he wished his parents loved him. Robert Hawkins is the mass murderer who entered a Shopping Mall in Nebraska last month (Dec. 5, 2007, Omaha) and killed 8 people and himself. His parents divorced shortly before he turned 2 years old. Hawkins and his older sister lived with his Father. His sister is 4 years older and reportedly doing very well in life.
Both parents remarried new partners when he was 4. His Mother went through a second Divorce when Hawkins was 8 years old. His Father divorced his StepMother when Hawkins was 17. Hawkins had one birth sister, 4 years older, and 4 half-siblings, all younger. He had been receiving therapy since he was 6 years old. His Mother fought for custody about that time saying that the Step-Mother was verbally abusive. Hawkins was put into a Mental Hospital on or the day after his 14th Birthday for threatening to kill his Step-Mother. After that he was made a Ward of the State and lived until Age 17 in State Facilities or in Foster Homes. His Mother visited him for the first time after 2 1/2 years in July, 2005. At 17, Hawkins moved back in with his Father who was going through his 2d Divorce (not the best timing but I guess Daddy felt lonely), then dropped out of High School. Hawkins was detained a couple of times while in Foster Care for dealing marijuana. At the time of his death he had just been fired for stealing money from McDonalds, had broken up with his girlfriends and was having legal problems for alcohol and drugs.
The Director of the Facility where Hawkins was kept says that his Treatment cost $245,000.
Description of Hawkins’ life: http://omaha.craigslist.org/pol/511019475.html.
Filed under: Books, Living with Grandparents, indifferent parents, self-absorbed parents, separate households | Tags: Heidi, What Maisie Knew
On my reading list, probably for the year 2020 seeing how much I look forward to trying to read it, is the book What Maisie Knew by Henry James. It seems to be the only established literary work out there about a kid growing up in Divorce in Victorian times, maybe Edwardian, whatever. I’ve been following a couple of psych/neurologist types and they seem to love Henry James for his profound insights into Human Nature. I had to read, or try to read, a couple of his stories for a class once and nobody understood the guy’s writing. The sentences were so long and ponderous I never caught on to anything in the story. Besides, I was too young to understand the psychology.
I know that the Psychology Profession has pretty much set the world backward in understanding human behavior as compared to most 19th Century novels. I used to know a brilliant guy who had read all of Balzac’s 100 novels when he 10! He said they were sort of a catalog of human personalities. Then along comes Freud who convinces a whole Century worth of otherwise Liberal Arts majors that they too can ponder the depths of the human soul by obtaining Phds.
Onwards, from what I’ve read superficially on the Web, What Maisie Knew is about loss of innocence. Maisie’s parents are self-absorbed Society people who I assume use her to get at each other, etc. and then resent her presence otherwise . The Victorians were known for doing this to their kids. People these days would never do that. We have drug em. Maisie’s care gets passed from adult to adult and she learns all about selfish human motives through them. She eventually chooses to live with an old maid who has almost no redeeming qualities in a social way just so that she can gain some peace of mind. I’m probably telling a completely wrong story at this point because I’ve never read it in the first place. So, apparently the book is a negative expose about growing up in Divorce, at least that’s the metaphor used.
Parents won’t ever in a million years attempt to read it no matter what. Maybe Marvel comics will make a version so I can read it.
The reason why I’m impatient to mention Maisie now is because I had a different conversation where somebody mentioned the Heidi story. No. Not Heidi of the Grand Canyon, although she was a beast of burden and that seems to fit into our description of Kids from divorce here just fine. We’re discussing Heidi of the Swiss Alps. Heidi’s story is that she was a poor orphan child with no place to go so she was sent to live with a grumpy old Uncle. With her exceptional powers of childlike innocence she softened his crust and transformed him into a nice guy.
So there you go. Only innocent children need apply. How many stories like this are out there? Millions? Innocent children who soften the adults around them, cure old age, cure criminal behaviors, whatever ails the needy adult these super powers can fix with their simplicity and stupidity. These are the children that the stepparents think they are going to benefit through. Anything less than Shirley Temple in a kid is represhensible. Heidi did not however have to negotiate between warring sets of people who demanded her full on attention in short spurts and gave nothing back in return. She had a sweet one on one relationship, a whole lot of time, no Ritalin or Prozac, and a whole herd of goats to work her magic through. She could really develop a deep relationship with this guy. Kids can’t work their magic while on a tight schedule of visits. Time goes slowly for them so they can probably accomplish a lot more than adults can in this regard, but they’re trying to fix two sets. Innocence just doesn’t stick around for that.
Filed under: Books, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Mentally Ill parents, Suicide, bi-racial, indifferent parents
The Comedian Richard Pryor is #1 on Comedy Central’s list of the 100 top Stand-Up Comedians of All Time so he certainly belongs on the Exemplary Children list. But, of course, everyone knows that his exceptional gifts did not come without a huge price.
Pryor was raised in his Grandmother’s Brothel. His Mother was a Prostitute and his Father was his Mother’s pimp. Pryor’s Mother abandoned Pryor when he was 10 years old. He was expelled from School when he was 14. He joined the army when he was 18 and he spent most of his enlisted time in the army jail for committing a racially driven attack along with some of his buddies. This is the story on Wikipedia. I don’t how much of it is true and how much is hype. It’s generally accepted that Pryor had serious drug problems and later on he struggled with serious health problems. I personally cannot wear Polyester without worrying about whether or not I’ll blow myself up while free-basing and I don’t even do drugs. At any rate, it sounds like this may have been a fabricated story (no pun intended). It sounds like Pryor tried to commit suicide while in a drug induced psychotic state. He poured booze all over himself and set himself on fire. The melting polyester complicated the situation. Pryor recently passed from complications due to Multiple Sclerosis.
But, meanwhile, Richard Pryor stood up on stage and opened people up to their problems and helped them to laugh about how difficult life is.
Wikipedia says that Richard Pryor fathered 7 kids. One of them is Rain Pryor. Rain is the daughter of a Jewish GoGo Dancer on her Mother’s side and African American Stand Up Comic on her Father’s side. She was raised by her Maternal Grandparents who were successful showbiz folks. She talks about being rejected by both sides for being a “Half-breed”.
Rain’s parents divorced shortly after she was born and she didn’t meet her Father until she was 4 years old. Both parents suffered from severe Mental Illness. Rain attempted suicide twice when she was a kid. Since then she seems to have reconciled all the differences she grew up with. She is a succssful performer of her own who toured with her own show Fried Chicken and Latkes about growing up in her family situation and she has written a memoir called Jokes My Father Never Taught Me. I’ve read only parts of her book. Her spirit is very positive and inspiring.
