Filed under: Health, PTSD, Stepfamilies, links to articles, separate households
As usual there is no mention about health effects of Children of Divorce, but a recent study from the University of Chicago Center on Aging has determined that people who suffer the loss of a marriage are 20 percent more likely to suffer from chronic health problems. That makes for more responsibilities for the kids to have to manage along with weakened role models to emulate.
The study will be published in the Journal of Health & Social Behavior, Sept, 2009 issue.
I’ve said before that I think it probably matters in the quality of life for the children whether or not they live with the parent who decides to leave or the one who is dumped. The child has much exposure to very complex and difficult emotions if living in the same house with a heartbroken parent. The role of “Choice” is known in being a major factor in development of PTSD type of emotional problems and I think it makes sense that this will transfer on down to the kids, maybe only one of the kids in the family will absorb the responsibilities.
I’m finding it very alarming how Step-parents are the only ones who seem to express any open reactions to split family situations. The level of hostility in many of these situations can only be destructive and the biological parents need to take the most active role in setting up positive relations.
Studies like these are also deceptive because they leave out the families who benefit from Divorce. Either way these studies always seem to find that same 20-25% ratio of people who are affected by any stress that I keep seeing repeat itself. I sort of suppose that 25% have extreme negative reactions, 25% benefit, and 50% plead complacency, but that’s a gross assumption.
From the Yahoo article called: “Marriage Ends; Health Declines” by Randy Dotinga:
Other important factors include the nature of marriages and their breakups, said marriage researcher Janice Kiecolt-Glaser.
Her research has found that women and men who were recently divorced had weaker immune systems than those who had been divorced longer. “We also found that it mattered if you had chosen the divorce, or if your spouse was the one who asked for it,” said Kiecolt-Glaser, director of health psychology at the Ohio State University College of Medicine. “You are better off being the one who walked rather than the one who was left behind.”
Also, she said, those who remain preoccupied with thoughts of their former spouse — either pro or con — had immune problems.
Filed under: Mentally Ill parents, Parents and their Dates, links to articles | Tags: Add new tag
Link to article called “8 Rules for Dating My Parent” by Nina Malkin. These rules are pretty good. The article avoids talking about how to remain in kid mode while Mom and Dad exploit their Peter Pan mentality and relive datingin High School over and over again. That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it? (Peter Pan parents are fun and open and youthful but often sort of competitive with their kids, aren’t they?) The author doesn’t ask the kids how they actually feel about having a Parent who dates. It wouldn’t be safe for the kid to respond I suppose. But, does the child compare himself with his friends’ families who are intact? Does the kid feel like his life is more special because his homelife is more changeable (I was going to say volatile…) and kid-like? Parents who date are often much more “cool” and up to date on current trends. That might be a plus, or it might just be a shallow, immature lifestyle.
As usual, the children of parents who don’t wonder about how the child is reacting to their Dates must repress their experiences. There’s no therapy for this down the road once the child get older. There is only a superficial diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety, Anger and Lack of Trust which is mostly seen as a result of Chemical Imbalance and Bad Habits that can be reframed through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Since people who divorce a lot probably have addictions and mental illness, wouldn’t it be more to the point to help the kids who have to grow up in that situation? Why do the “Helper/Healers” in the world always seem to avoid the people who really need help? Why doesn’t this article tell the parents to start looking deeply at themselves and their own problems so that at least they won’t repeat their mistakes? The article could address how one’s Narcissicism, Instability, and Mistakes affects one’s child. Or it could address How to help little Junior whose Mom is drinking a 1/5 of Vodka or a Carton of Gallo? Just think what kinds of Dates she brings home. Just imagine what contortions go through her brain as she reads this article while in hangover mode and screaming at the kids just because her swollen head can’t handle anything but Diet Coke and Tylenol. Mostly she’s concerned with trying to remember what that strange man is doing in the house. Those are the kids who need the help.
On the plus side, most people who Mom brings home in this case probably grew up in bad situations themselves and are naturally sensitive enough to understand these principles.
This was just supposed to be a link to a reasonable blog entry about Parents of Children of D and it turned into the usual questioning of how the real problems always manage to slip by. So sorry, but this is so frustrating. Hopefully time to get back on track. Note to self: figure out how to turn off comments sections of Step-Parenting threads so as not to get distracted by said crazy situations.
Sorry I ended up butchering this article. I really did think it was good, just avoided the real problems involved in order to provide quick solutions. The parents who read this honestly will think they’ve done absolutetly everything in their powers to make things right for their kids. It’s a real trick to try to balance developing as an individual and developing as a part of a relationship. This is going to be a real distraction from the kids. In Intact families the kids don’t have to deal with their parents going through this (often they wish for it, though) and live a much more carefree inner existence.
http://www.match.com/magazine/article2.aspx?TrackingID=525061&BannerID=647430&articleid=9757
Filed under: links to articles
Here’s a link to another article called “Divorce Doesnt’ go Away: the new Wallerstein-Lewis study traces 25 years of the effects of divorce on children” by Claudia Miller.
“Few parents get divorced without thinking of how it will impact their children. But what has surprised family researchers is how long the effects of divorce last. The children in this study are now approaching 30. Divorce has been a major factor in their experiences growing up, and Wallerstein and Lewis contend that “its impact increases over time.”
Filed under: links to articles
Forgot whether I already linked to this article already. If I did here it is again. Divorce as described by the Kids who went through it in an article called “My Life as a Game Piece: Kids talk about their experiences with parents’ divorce” by Lindsay Spann. The article was originally published in the Jan-Feb 1998 Children’s Advocate published by Action Alliance for Children. The writer was in the 8th Grade.
http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/Div_Life_as_Game_Piece.htm
“In the Monopoly Game of Divorce, kids become the game pieces that are moved from square to square by adults dealing with issues of property, control, and money. Kids interviewed in Los Angeles–from 11 years to 15 years old, of different ethnicities, from bargain Baltic Avenue to expensive Park Place–shared similar feelings: They don’t like being manipulated game pieces. Even though the split may have occurred 10 years ago, it has been the biggest single event in their lives and is still painful today. With the exception of a few who were told never to discuss it, most appreciated the chance to talk about divorce because they had no other place to do that.”
Jennifer Weiner is a very successful writer. She has written a number of Chick Lit style books, like In Her Shoes and Little Earthquakes. Weiner was the oldest of four children. When she was 16 her Father left and she apparently spent much of her college years writing sad and miserable stories about her parents’ Divorce. I wonder if those still exist.
At any rate, Weiner doesn’t forget her “roots” in the Divorce Hell and quite nicely offers advice and hope to young Children of D:
“1. The Unhappy Childhood
The big joke in the publishing community is that smart editors shouldn’t waste their time at lunches or conferences, but should instead proceed directly to the local elementary schools. There, they will carefully note the boys picked last in gym class, the girls sitting alone in the cafeteria – all of the outcasts, misfits, geeks, dweebs and weirdos – and give them some kind of small identifying tag (much like wildlife services will tag animals to follow their progress through the years). Twenty years later, the editors should track down the kids they’ve tagged, now hopefully grown to more successful adulthood, and say, “Okay, where’s the book?”
Why do unhappy kids grow up to be writers? I think because being an outsider – a geek, a dweeb, a weirdo, a smart, mouthy girl or boy who just doesn’t fit in – means that you’re naturally equipped for observing life carefully. You’re not on the inside, you’re on the outside – and nobody’s a more careful, dedicated observer of life than a kid or teenager who’s trying to figure out how to finally fit in with the in-crowd.
Also (and this is totally my own take on things, unproven by any kind of study or research), but I think that kids whose parents are divorced, separated, single, or otherwise un-Cleaver-ish might have a slight edge over those who grew up in happily-married homes. For kids, divorce is a mystery, a puzzle that begs to be put back together – what went wrong? Was it my fault? Can Humpty Dumpty be put back together again? All of these questions reinforce the powers of observation, the questioning spirit, the impulse to try to make sense of life that can lead to becoming a writer. Or a mass murderer, I guess, but hopefully a writer instead. So if you’re a would-be writer whose parents are divorced, be happy. If you’re married, and a parent, and trying to turn your kid into a writer, please don’t break up just because I said so. Because by the time our theoretical young writer has figured out that fitting in with the in-crowd isn’t a consummation devoutly to be wished, and has given up trying to make sense of Why Daddy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, it will be time for…..
from www.jenniferweiner.com/forwriters.htm
Filed under: links to articles
Newsweek’s latest issue has an article about the decline in adult literacy that are found in the Generation Y kids.
“There is no memory the past, just like when the Khmer Rouge said this is day zero.”
“Historical memory is essential to a free people.”
This is funny. I’ve noticed that friends and family members who are short on memory are the ones who have done well as adults. They haven’t really contributed anything to society but they are good at not rocking the boat. This may be a good sign. It may mean that people are becoming passive and sweet. Meanwhile, nobody knows what to do about those melting icebergs and the President who can’t run the country.
The writers of the article say that technology is to blame for the stupid kids. Specifically, they say that multi-tasking is the culprit.
Scientists at UCLA led by Russell Poldrack scanned the brains of adults ages 18 to 45 while they learned to interpret symbols on flashcards either in silence or while also counting high-pitched beeps they heard. The volunteers learned to interpret the cards even with the distracting beeps, but when they were asked about the cards afterward, the multitaskers did worse. “Multitasking adversely affects how you learn,” Poldrack said at the time. “Even if you learn while multitasking, that learning is less flexible and more specialized, so you cannot retrieve the information as easily.” Difficult tasks, such as learning calculus or reading “War and Peace,” will be particularly adversely affected by multitasking, says psychologist David Meyer of the University of Michigan: “When the tasks are at all challenging, there is a big drop in performance with multitasking. What kids are doing is learning to be skillful at a superficial level.”
If Multi-tasking is so damaging to a child’s brain, what does multi-parenting and living in multiple families do? That’s what I want to know. I’d also like to know why the authors don’t question the quality of the educational system, poverty, effects of divorce, nutrition, among other obvious causes.
from: “The Dumbest Generation? Don’t be Dumb.” by Sharon Begley & Jeneen Interbadi, Newsweek, June 2, 2008
http://www.newsweek.com/id/138536
Filed under: Astrology stuff, Healing, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., links to articles | Tags: Astrology
Here’s an interesting article on Children and Adults who are resilient called “Resilience can be improved upon” written by L.J. Anderson in Palo Alto Daily News (http://www.paloaltodailynews.com/article/2008-4-1-anderson).
Anderson in particular talks about helping Children to learn how to overcome adversity. Of course, she lists all types of adversity that a child goes through without mentioning divorce: “Death of a parent, abandonment, or being victimized by violence.” Can’t say that I can get used to this. Obviously not getting angry over other people’s denial is a big one in surviving whatever life can throw at you.
Anderson mentions psychologist Edith Grotberg, Ph.D who has done research on Resilience. Grotberg has written a book called Tapping Your Inner Strength: How to Find the Resilience to Deal with Anything.
I like in particular that she uses Keywords that are similar to Astrological Keywords. The meanings tend to blur in different directions from the Astrological Models. One Child of D who’s an astrologer told me that she figured her parents’ divorce didn’t affect her strongly because she had an empty 4th house. And indeed I have noticed in my research so far on famous Children of D that a lack of planets in the 4th house of Family and Home is in an indicator of success in the outside world. Putting planets in a certain house brings attention to those matters in the person’s life. When things go wrong in that area one is more likely to dwell on those issues. The 4th house is also tricky because it involves feelings, Keywords for this House are “I feel.” Grotberg’s Keywords literally relate to the 1st House of Aries (I Am), 2d house of Taurus (“I Have”) and 10th House of Capricorn (“I Can”). Her descriptions seem to involve all the signs included in the relative Cardinal and Fixed Houses. Interestingly, Mutable Sign Houses are left out. Those are the Houses with Keywords “I think” “I analyze” “I see” and “I believe.” This really does relate directly to why there are no Intellectual Children of D.
Here’s a huge chunk of the article.
Q: How resilient are children, and can parents help develop resiliency in their children?
A: Resilience is a human capacity to deal with, overcome, learn from, or even be transformed by the inevitable adversities of life. With that definition, we know that we already have the capacity. The challenge is to promote resilience so that it is there when needed to face adversities. And starting with children is highly desirable – assuming parents or other adults are already resilient. The resilience that I found in my research lent itself easily to three categories: I HAVE, I AM and I CAN, which include characteristics inherent in resilience.
1) I HAVE (external supports): one or more persons within my family I can trust and who love me without reservation; one or more persons outside my family I can trust without reservation; limits to my behavior; people who encourage me to be independent; good role models; access to health, education, and the social and security services I need; and a stable family and community.
2) I AM (inner strengths): a person most people like; generally calm and good-natured; an achiever who plans for the future; a person who respects myself and others; empathic and caring of others; responsible for my behavior and accepting of the consequences; and a confident, optimistic, hopeful person, with faith.
3) I CAN (interpersonal and problem-solving skills): generate new ideas or new ways to do things; stay with a task until it is finished; see the humor in life and use it to reduce tensions; express thoughts and feelings in communication with others; solve problems in various settings – academic, job-related, personal and social; manage my behavior – feelings, impulses, acting out; and reach out for help when I need it.
These factors are used in dynamic resilience with each other, changing as needed, to address the adversity. These are clearly for adults as well as children.
Filed under: Exemplary Children of Divorce, Living with Grandparents, bi-racial, links to articles
Here’s a link to a really nice portrait of Barack Obama’s Mother called “Free-spirited wanderer set Obama’s Path” by Janny Scott. I think the original article is from The New York Times but this link goes to MSNBC:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23623222/
