A 16-year old girl in Connecticut heard her Mother in the bedroom having sex with a boyfriend. She thought her Mother was being abused and rounded up a bunch of guy friends who beat the boyfriend.
The Mother had the kids arrested and says the jail time will teach them a Valuable Lesson. And that is that — they should have knocked on the door to ask if everything was ok before assuming that they should rush in with a bat. That’s good to know.
Children of D have their own rules of etiquette to follow that haven’t been covered quite yet by Emily Post. In other words, if an intruder breaks into the house offer the guy Milk & Cookies. Just because Mom is tied to the bed and screaming her head off it doesn’t mean that she’s being hurt… geez, everybody knows that… show some respect, will ya?
P.S., it’s very common for Children of D to be intimately aware of their parents’ sex lives.
Filed under: Custody, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Religion, Uncategorized
Golden Girl Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has lost her Tiara. That’s what you get when you try to compete with the Tranny’s for “Most Beautiful Girl” title, Sweetheart. The Gay men are having their way with her. That’s gross.
Prejean lost a chance to win the Miss America (or Miss USA, I don’t know which) Crown by proudly announcing to Gay Blogger and Fat Slob Emcee Perez Hilton that she said she doesn’t believe that Gay People should be allowed to get married. That makes me first wonder, What the Hell is a Fat Slob like Perez Hilton representing the Gay Community for? Geez, the minute people even think about getting the right to get married they just start letting themselves go. Then I think, how can a gorgeous girl like that growing up in a liberal place like California be so narrow minded? Especially one who is so dependent on Gay Men to make her look like a Queen.
Our Princess, Our Queen, Our Princess, Carrie has lost her Crown. Apparently she hasn’t been showing up for her Miss California activities and today she received a letter of termination from Donald Trump. What impresses me is that it appears that the reason why Carrie is no longer appearing is not because she bared her Christian boobies to a photographer way back when, not because she openly spoke her mind in a country which espouses Freedom of Speech, but because the Gays are attacking her childhood. They couldn’t just drop it. They dug up her parents’ divorce papers. Oh yeah, baby, that’s as low as it goes, especially when you hear Carrie’s story.
And so that’s why Carrie’s appearing in this blog. I can’t put her in the Exemplaries Section and I can’t put her in the Bad Section. But, remember how I’ve been pondering whether female Children of D tend to get beaten up more by men? Well, here’s another case. Once the kid goes through that much heartbreak, that much humiliation, that much cover-up, the sewer just seems to keep looking for an inlet.
At any rate, Carrie’s parents’ divorce seems to have been nasty, really nasty. (or, actually, for California it’s pretty normal). And it went on for a really, really long time. Her parents used the custody battle of the kids as a reason to fight with each other for her ENTIRE childhood. This certainly explains why she clings to conservative and uptight values with regards to family. She grew up in Hell. Give her a break. Let her speak.
According to the San Francisco Examiner
Prejean’s parents divorced when she was around 1 year old. The Child Custody fights continued until she was at least 12 years old. The parents maybe, just maybe, stopped humiliating her just as she hit puberty. How generous and thoughtful. At any rate, every single insult they hurled at each was recorded in court documents and among those were allegations that both the Father and the Step-Father were Gay, I think also the Mother. Coming from a bad divorce situation myself I can only think, “So What? That’s normal. People always say shit like that during divorces and the kids are in the middle of it all.”
You’re Gay!
You’re Gay!
You’re Gay! (generally more derogative wording is used)
That’s normal Divorce banter. NORMAL.
So, not only are these creepy Gay guys ignorant of what goes on in Divorce Custody battles (narcissists that they tend to be they think it’s all about them) but now they are dredging that Hell up for Prejean to go through all over again. And all because they are jealous of her and want her title and hips and boobs (and lip gloss).
Prejean’s a Beauty Queen for Christ’s Sake! That’s a shallow, conservative vision of women’s beauty. In the Straight World, if you compete in those Pageants you might as well be announcing that you’re a Republican and Newt Gingrich is God. Apparently the Gay World is just as ignorant about what goes on in Divorced families. You guys are even as far as being equally defective as far as I’m concerned.
As much as I believe that Gays should by given the right to Marriage if they really, really want to, what I’m thinking right now is – Wow, they’re really mean and petty. You think straight people are nasty in a divorce court? Just imagine what Perez Hilton would be like.
Oh yeah, and I checked. Perez Hilton? We can breathe a big sigh of relief here — not a Child of D. Perez’s Mommy and Daddy let him sit in bed all day and watch TV and get all spoiled and depressed. Maybe that’s why the guy has flab where his heart should be. What the Hell is a jerk like that talking about the sanctity of Marriage for anyway?
Filed under: ADD, Medications, Nutrition, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D.
An ADD Therapist, Jennifer Korestky, gives a link to a study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal which found that medications prescribed for ADD is twice as likely to be given to kids whose parents are recently divorced.
Koretsky tries to downplay the stress that kids go through in Divorce by promoting theories that ADD is genetic. But loss of nutrition, reliable schedules, emotional security, finances, loss of time spent splitting up between two families, loss of friends, chugging way too much wisdom concerning relationships and money and betrayal and loss that are well beyond those of peers, in addition to stress of having to watch Mommy and Daddy fight, could also play a part. That list is a string of irregular grammatical mistakes. Oh well.
Blogged here: http://www.experiencingaddvantages.com/2007/06/new_research_on.html.
Journal cited: CMAJ • June 5, 2007; 176 (12). doi:10.1503/cmaj.061458 Author: Lisa A. Strohschein.
Filed under: Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, High School Drop Out, Mentally Ill parents, PTSD, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., School Drop Out - High School or College, Violence, separate households
Today there is news that an ex soldier in Iraq has been found guilty of having Murdered a family in order to rape the 14 year old daughter. The ex-soldier is Stephen Green from Texas. He and a group of other soldiers had planned the rape. Green’s murders apparently came as a surprise. They were stationed in a particularly troublesome spot in the war zone known as The Triangle of Death. A Washington Post article by Andrew Tilgman tells about his meeting with Green and his group. It’s called “I came over here because I wanted to kill people.” Apparently, the reporter didn’t pay attention to Green’s words because he had heard this sort of brute honesty from all the soldiers. The article alluded to a troublesome childhood so grudgingly I looked to see if Green was a Child of D. Despite his minor offenses with the law and an angry personality Green was allowed into the military during a time when enlistments were down.
I’ve sort of been watching all this attention on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder regarding the Iraq War and have wondered if the problem is just now receiving attention or if all the Children of D are enlisting in order to get away from stressful situations and then are buckling under the extra stresses of war.
Green was born on May 2, 1985. Spent early years in Midland, TX. Parents divorced but don’t know what age. Green moved to Seabrook Texas with his Mother. She remarried when he was around 8 years old. Reports say that Green had a troubled, angry personality from about Junior High School years onward. His Mother is said to have “had problems” and was jailed for 6 months in 2000 and he went to live with his Father back in Midland. He dropped out in 2002 while in the 10th Grade but managed to get his equivalency degree in 2003 from a Community College. Green was in trouble with the law for minor offenses of smoking, pot, alcohol consumption. It was noted on the records that he must have had trouble at home because he didn’t list either parent as a contact. Green lived with his estranged step-father for a while at some point.
Source from The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/14/us/14private.html
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Birth Order, Courts, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Prostitution, Violence, money, separate households
Between Apr. 10 and April 16 three women were bound and robbed in Hotel Rooms in Boston, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. They had all advertised as masseuses on CraigsList. One of the victims, Julissa Brisman, was shot multiple times and subsequently murdered. The other two women survived. 23 year old medical student Philip Markoff has been traced to all 3 attacks and is currently being held in jail. A gay man is also said to have contact with Markoff through an email (news about that is sketchy right now).
The media is going on and on about Markoff’s impending marriage which was to be held in August. It sounds as if Markoff’s family history is quite strained as well and, although, I can’t find the full picture, this is what I’ve figured out so far. The information may change. One thing is certain: Markoff is a Child of D.
People are blind sided by Markoff’s Double Personality. (Why are people never blind-sided by a Double Childhood that results from growing up in a Divorce?) Markoff is described as being very nice, clean cut, sort of nerdy (there’s that nerdy description again applied to a Child of D).
As an aside, I’ve tried to find information about Markoff’s alleged victims’ childhood status to see if they also were from Divorce. His alleged Murder victim, Julissa Brisman, had the same last name as her Father while her Mother’s last name is given as Guzman so there is a possibility that Julissa’s parents are divorced. In that case, it is not surprising that, like Markoff, Julissa led a double life. Her friends, apparently, had no idea that she worked as a masseuse. Children of D grow up as involuntary voyeurs of sorts. They witness much behavior in their families that can’t be discussed with anyone else due to extreme emotional behaviors, secrets, allegiances, betrayals, loyalities that it is not surprising to see how double lives can manifest later in life. Innocence doesn’t exist for Children of D. Distorted sense of lack of positive authority figures also is lacking. In a very few people this experience of childhood into extremely advanced states of consciousness and wisdom. In others it can cause problems as the child continues to show signs of normalcy to the outside world. And who knows? Maybe Markoff (assuming he’s guilty of course) is just a bad egg.
It would be interesting to know whether or not Markoff’s fiancee is from a Divorce or Intact family just for comparison’s sake but she’s going through enough Hell right now and doesn’t need any more scrutiny.
Markoff’s parents were divorced when he was very young. I don’t have an age. Right now I just know that it happened before he was 5 years old because that’s when his Mother gave birth to his sister who was his Step-Father’s child.
I’ve read that Markoff’s Father, Richard Markoff, is a Dentist so that probably puts Markoff in a wealthy class on his Father’s side. I’ve read that his Mother is or was a Casino worker. That definitely means that his Mother is not wealthy. If it’s true it paints a much different attitude toward money in that household and that Markoff would have constantly tried to reconcile two great schisms of class into his life (all the while trying to grow up). Children of D often grow up in two completely different financial classes. One can pretty accurately assume that the poor parent expresses great resentment over the other parent’s financial status. Even if that doesn’t happen, the child is a witness who is stuck in between. This can create detachment and just plain old weird behavior.
Markoff has an older brother, Jon, from his parents’ marriage. It seems that Jon is his closest relative. News reports showed that the Brother spent the most time visiting with Markoff in jail. Siblings in Divorce often have to take over as supports. One might imagine that Markoff’s parents probably can’t stand each other and are adding to the tension for Markoff. Anybody who has endured bringing both parents together for family “celebrations” like graduations and weddings knows how tense those situations are. Imagine if you’ve just been stuck in jail for murder and need emotional support from self-absorbed parents. At any rate, the Rich Dentist Father is probably so tired of hearing from the Mother about financial support problems that he’s not about to help his kid out here (my assumption about situation which is hopefully wrong).
Both of Markoff’s parents reportedly have remarried which means that Markoff was blessed with Step-Parents on both sides. Maintaining a sweet, nerdy disposition was probably Markoff’s greatest survival tool during childhood. He made everyone comfortable and was well liked for never making a fuss.
Markoff’s older brother reportedly moved in with his Father and Wife while Markoff lived with his Mother and her Husband. Don’t know what age.
When the oldest child moves out this can possibly show a couple of things. Who knows if they apply in Markoff’s case. First thing to think about is that the household that the only child is leaving is problematic. Second, the younger sibling will go through feelings of rejection, loneliness and grief over having been left behind. There could have been money problems, addictions, gambling, lack of compatibility.
By Age 5, Markoff had a younger half-sister through his Mother and Step-Father. So there are birth order changes as is typical of step-families.
Markoff’s Mother is said to have split from his Step-Father four years ago. Her last name at the time was Carroll. I heard on a News Cast that her current last name is Haines so perhaps she has remarried or perhaps the media just couldn’t get the all the family mish-mash information straight.
Either way, it looks right now as if Markoff’s Mother’s 2d divorce would have occurred in 2005. This is the same year that Markoff is said to have met his Fiancee. I believe he would have been around 19 years old.
Source: http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/04/alleged_craigsl.html#commentshttp://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/04/26/2009-04-26_suspect_and_victim_led_secret_lives_med_student_gambled__actress_gave_massages.html?page=0
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence, indifferent parents
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Filed under: Alcoholism, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Uncategorized
While Googling around on the Internet the other day I stumbled on a blog that was written by a Child of D. The blog was sort of a personal diary, not specifically about being a Child of D (they never are), but the writer said that one of the chief personality traits that she thought was a fall out from coming from a Divorce was that she tended to spy on people. This reminded me of filmmaker Brian De Palma’s story of becoming a filmmaker as a kid by trying to catch his Father with another woman on camera. This reminded me also of my step-sister who I found one day standing with her husband outside of my door when I came home. We hadn’t talked in ten years. If you spy on people, you don’t ever have to talk to them. I don’t know if this is typical Child of D behavior. I know it’s consistent behavior among addicts and alcoholics, though, who live in a constant state of paranoia over getting caught and placing blame. Co-dependents, the people who live with the addicts, also have a high “spy” rate.
Growing up in Divorce makes a kid grow up fast. One learns that people aren’t what they seem and are definitely not what they say they are. In order to get to the truth, one must get the facts on one’s own.
Parents, of course, use their children to spy on their ex’s. The old interrogation procedures becomes old hat. Here is a link to a question and answer on Yahoo called: “Do you ever spy on your (ex) spouse through your kids?”
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080407224120AAATvxC
They say that people living in urban environments are photographed about 75 times a day. Cameras are everywhere. There was a story on the news the other night that personal spy companies are faring very well through the economic downturn. Course, I’ve read enough stories of step-mommies setting up video cams in order to catch their step-children, but that’s to be expected. Parenting through nannycams, hmmm. Real mothers don’t need nannycams.
Filed under: Birth Order, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Suicide, Violence
A couple of weeks ago a 19 year old College Student named Abraham Biggs, Jr. committed Suicide from his Father’s home and broadcast his death over the Internet. The stories don’t mention whether he was a Child of D but the fact that he was “living in his Father’s home” and text massaging his Mother indicates that the parents are separated. If I’m jumping to conclusions I will have to delete this later on. Since there have been a couple of other similar suicides broadcast over the Internet that have been connected with Divorce in the family there might be a connection.
Abraham was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and obviously wasn’t being helped by the meds — to an extreme degree — because he killed himself with them. Biggs had tried to kill himself twice before. I don’t know why the Medical profession isn’t more careful with psychiatric “treatments” but, what do I know?
The especially horrifying part of the story that is being covered in the media is the fact that the other members of the Internet forum were simply watching Abraham take the pills. They were apparently goading him on and making fun of him. I tend to think that this might be a Child of D type phenomenon. Humiliation is probably not felt as strongly among Children of D simply because they are expected to cover up and buck up under the circumstances of their childhoods. Getting swept up in hatred is a normal part of divorced family life. And asking for help? That might make a parent feel guilty or threaten a therapist’s ego who simply refuses to believe that Divorce has negative effects on Children.
For a Child of D,putting one’s problem out into the public domain is not as extreme a behavior as it is for kids from intact families. You grow up with so much more awareness of your parents’ personal problems that problems don’t seem like a private thing. The relationships, the idea that everyone is replaceable, the money bartering, the fighting, the worthlessness, the extra responsibilities, having to repress your needs for your parents’.
Something else I’m beginning to notice about kids and divorce is that the younger children seem to get pulled under from the stress much worse than the eldest or the only children. In all the cases of these Internet deaths the person committing the crime was a younger child. Siblings in Divorce usually stick together. They share a special set of secrets. When the oldest one leaves the house, the youngest have to deal with the stress by themselves. They actually act as a stable, non-strange part of the family that the eldest can always return to. The parents become the satellites who provide meals and quality time (if the kid is lucky) but are dependent emotionally and probably not considered reliable.
In this way, the youngest has to take on a lot of extra responsibility and as the youngest this responsibility is never acknowledged. There is also the possibility that, as in normal families, the youngest is spoiled with material possessions and is allowed to run around free. Just as likely, the money runs out by the time the youngest is ready for prom dresses, regular meals, cars, college. Divorce isn’t the most sensible experience from a financial standpoint unless one of the parents is just completely irresponsible and is cast out.
Either way, I hope that Abraham Biggs, Jr. will rest in peace. I don’t wish his Parents anymore insults if they are indeed Divorced. They certainly don’t need it right now. But in the event that the parents were split I would like to raise awareness for others that this may be a problem for other kids.
******
The other American Webcam Suicide that I found was also a Child of D. Brandon Carl Vedas, Age 21, who committed Suicide publicly on the Internet on Jan. 21, 2003 in Phoenix, AZ. His parents were divorced and both were remarried. His older brother has set up a very nice memorial website for him.
An Englishman, Kevin Whitrick, hanged himself while being goaded over the Internet through a webcam on Mar. 21, 2007. I can’t find information about his childhood. Whitrick was a 42 year old Engineer, Divorced with 12 year old twins. Apparently he was upset over his Father’s recent death.
There was a 3d death which was listed on Wikipedia but I couldn’t come up with any information regarding the family.
Filed under: Astrology stuff, Books, Healing, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., therapy
Amazon.com is taking pre-orders for a new book that’s coming out concerning Adult Children of D and relationships. I haven’t looked at it but the synopses and reviews looks interesting. It’s pretty pricey at $40.00 so I guess it might be marketed to and written for Mental Health Professionals.
Adult Children of Divorce: Confused Love Seekers by Geraldine K. Piorkowski
An Astrological Note: The word “Confusion” indicates a link between Neptune and growing up in Divorce. “Romantic Love” in a chivalrous way is ruled by Sun/Leo. “Romantic Love” in an idealistic way is ruled by Neptune. Libra/Venus rules Marriage.
The Following Reviews and Synopsis are taken from Amazon.com:
Review
“Piorkowski demonstrates her masterful understanding of the developmental experiences that facilitate and those that interfere with intimate relationships.”–Alice Bernstein, PhD,, Past President, Chicago Association for Psychoanalytic Psychology“Piorkowski’s unique contribution is to help us understand why adult children of divorce find it so difficult to develop true intimacy. They frequently lack the blueprint that would enable them to move from an idealistic picture of romantic love to the more realistic one of commitment and skills needed to develop true long term sustaining relationships. Her penetrating analyis clearly indicates the urgent need to guide and support these confused love seekers.”–Michele Baldwin, PhD., Chicago Center for Family Health
“What is love? Our parents’ divorce undermined the idea that love is forever. The media feeds us the myth that love appears instantly and magically heals all our wounds. Today’s grown children of divorce are confused in the realm of love. Dr. Piorkowski brings a wealth of compassion, over twenty years of clinical experience, and a discerning eye on current research to help grown children of divorce to find the love they are looking for and to form the stable relationships they hope to give to their own children.”–Elizabeth Marquardt, Author, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
“Dr. Piorkowski’s book defines in depth the concept of love from a philosophical, cultural and artistic perspective providing the reader with a foundation by which they can reach their own determination as to the true meaning and feeling of love. Aided with this knowledge, the reader can better understand an interpersonal relationship. Then the book focuses on the viable by-product of failed “love,” as most strongly illustrated by children of divorce. Piorkowski examines how they react and how they can manage their own relationships to avoid the pitfalls of the past.”–Floyd N. Nadler, P.C., Nadler, Pritikin & Mirabelli LLC
Product Description
Romantic love is often an elusive, fragile, and tenuous state, difficult to maintain across years. The rates of divorce, re-divorce, relationship violence, and abuse today attest to the fact that Americans are failing at romantic love. For teenaged and adult children of divorce, romantic love is especially elusive. Because they have no road map of a satisfying, stable romantic relationship derived from their own parents, they are confused about what love is and tend to make poor partner choices. Borrowing heavily from popular culture for their unrealistic standards regarding love, they become disillusioned when their all-too-ordinary lovers don’t measure up. Especially vulnerable to the problems their parents had, they tend to overreact in a similar negative fashion and are all too ready to consider divorce when unhappiness strikes. In trying to halt intergenerational transmission of divorce, Psychologist Piorkowski points out how American popular culture presents an over-sexualized, explosive, and superficial version of romantic love that can’t last. With this book, adult children of divorce can begin to recognize how they have been affected by familial experiences and develop a new, realistic map to provide directions for more fulfilling and enduring romantic relationships. Piorkowski, in an extensive review of literature, also looks at cultural factors and how they impact romantic love and marriage. In contrast to American popular culture’s shallow rendition of romantic love, many cultures elsewhere in the world emphasize compatibility, religion, and family allegiance. As a result, says the author, such marriages appear more stable than American unions built upon the shifting sands of emotion.
