Filed under: self-absorbed parents
When I first started this blog I was clowning around with the title. It is supposed to be a kind of joke which most Children of D get. At least the ones from my generation usually get it. We have lived our lives receiving one of two replies from our peers if we bother to mention that we grew up in a divorced family. One is the comment: “Oh, my parents should have divorced.” Or “You’re so lucky. You got two presents at Christmas. You were spoiled.”
Of course, basically this speaks of the self-absorption, greed, and materialism of people from my generation who grew up in Intact families. They are only able to show a resentment that somebody perhaps experienced a situation that was better than theirs. Growing up in Divorce was a demotion when I grew up. The housing, the money, the holidays, the Joy, it all went. I just had two sets of parents who were seriously depressed and falling deeper and deeper into alcholism, bad dates, and money problems. You didn’t mention it because you didn’t want people to have to feel sorry for you. In my case, I didn’t want to the social worker showing up at the door.
People from Intact families tend to think that they already know what it’s like to be from divorce. Or maybe they can only think about themselves which is why they needed to divorce in the first place. Someone, a think a man, just left a message on here with the usual obnoxious comment about how it’s so difficult to be a single parent. He had no opinion about how his children felt, or at least there was no comment about how they might be feeling. He was basically doing a marketing thing to advertise his own blog which is a very rude thing in itself, but was absolutely callous to do on a blog that’s in guard dog mode regarding these jerks. I still have his IP address. Perhaps I should publish it so that single mothers can get a hold of him…
At any rate, for a much longer time than I care to admit I couldn’t figure out why so many step-mothers were visiting this blog. Then finally I realized that it was because of the title. I had asked for it. They were seriously attracted to the concept that their step-children are spoiled and they are hell bent on complaining about it from their belligerent know-it-all perspectives. I actually got the title from a woman who was bitching about her boyfriend’s son as being one of those “Spoiled Kids from Divorce.” There was also a racist remark in there as well which I’m leaving out.
Filed under: Alcoholism, Birth Order, Books, Stepfamilies, Suicide, self-absorbed parents, separate households | Tags: Drug Abuse, Half-siblings, Successful Children of Divorce
Liza Minelli is the daughter of Judy Garland and Vincent Minelli. She was 5 years old when her parents were divorced. Lorna Luft is 6 years younger and is the Daughter of Judy Garland and Sid Luft. She was 9 when her parents Divorced and 16 when her Mother died. Both have been interviewed extensively about their childhoods, their Parents’ Marriages and Divorces and their Mother. The two half-sisters don’t seem to have a close relationship. This is a comparison of what they’ve said about their parents’ divorces.
Liza Minelli’s description of growing up in Divorce:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1285/is_1_34/ai_112482981
- IS: Talk about feeling naked! You’re actually very good at showing how vulnerable we all are. Do you think your parents” divorce when you were little had anything to do with that?
- LM: It gave me two wonderful outlets. My mother was an artist and highly strung, whereas my father was much calmer. He wasn’t like that on the set–evidently, he was Caesar on the set [Sischy laughs]–but at home he was sensational, and so was Mama. But Mama was stricter: I had to wear this and I had to do that. She was really kind and loving, but I used to be so happy to go to my father’s house. He was looser, and he fed my dreams.
- IS: How?
- LM: Well, I would go over to my dad’s house on a Saturday, and I would tell him everything, and I’d ask his advice. At the age of 6 or 7, I was like, “Well, what should I do?” And he’d say, “Do what you think.” Which made me realize that I had to think for myself. He would always talk to me like a very sensible human being. And then after he’d lay something like that on me, he’d say, “Who do you want to be today?” And I’d look at him and say, “Spanish dancer.” And he’d say, “All right.” And we’d get in the car and drive to Rexall on La Cienega and Beverly Boulevard, and we would buy crepe paper and a big box of safety pins. Then we went home, and because he’d been a wonderful costume designer and set designer in Chicago and in New York for Radio City Music Hall, he would create a Spanish dancer’s dress on me. He would pin the crepe paper with the safety pins and change my whole world. And when he was finished he would sit down and look at me and tell me how beautiful I was, and how wonderful, and then he’d say, “Liza, what does a Spanish dancer do?” And I would say, “Dance.” And he’d say, “Yes,” and he’d put on the music, and it was always the right music. I don’t know when he found the time to find the right music for what I had wanted to be, but he did, and suddenly I could dance, and I could find a whole world of dreams and the possibility of becoming somebody else. I’ve said it before, but it’s absolutely true: My mother gave me my drive, but my father gave me my dreams. Thanks to him, I could see a future.
Lorna Luft, younger half-sister, wrote a book, Me and My Shadows, about growing up in the same household. This is from Booklist review on Amazon:
- Luft, often identified as Judy Garland’s “other daughter,” steps center stage to describe what life was like as the child of an icon. For the first nine years of her life, Luft was protected from the vagaries of her mother’s prescription-drug abuse and downward-spiraling mental health. But after her parents’ divorce, Luft found herself in the role of chief cook and bottle washer–in charge of cleaning up her mother’s messes. The horror stories from this period include breakdowns, breakups with almost everyone who was close to Garland, paranoia, and even knife-wielding episodes in which Garland went after her young son. After Luft had her own breakdown at 16, she left her mother’s home and never saw Garland alive again. Despite all the horror, Luft is kind to her mother’s memory, seeing the star as sick, not evil, and remembering all the many loving times shared between mother and daughter. Sister Liza Minelli doesn’t fare quite as well. Although Luft has many nice things to say about her, Liza’s drug abuse has left the pair estranged. Oh, yes, Luft had her own life, too, but not unexpectedly, her affairs with even the likes of Burt Reynolds and Barry Manilow and her own drug problems don’t make for nearly as fascinating reading as her tales of Judy and Liza. Dishy–and sure to be popular. Ilene Cooper
There are many interviews out there by Lorna Luft discussing her parents. I like this one in particular:
- “You don’t really know your parents until you are in your 40’s,” she said.
- “In your 20’s you have no idea, in your 30’s you start to get to know them and in your 40’s you have had some of the experiences they had and it is just a natural understanding that comes from being this age.”
from www.aussietheatre.com/news.htm “Growing up Garland: Lorna’s incredible Life.”
Judy Garland died of a drug overdose at Age 47. She had attempted Suicide previously.
Filed under: Abduction, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Birth Order, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Parents and their Dates, Suicide, money, self-absorbed parents, separate households
Marlon Brando’s troubled Son, Christian, passed away yesterday in Los Angeles, California. He had been hospitalized for pneumonia. Christian was 49 years old. May he Rest in Peace.
Christian was the eldest of Brando’s nine children. His Mother, Anna Kashfi, was also an actress. She separated from Brando when Christian was 5 months old and the couple divorced on Apr. 22, 1959 (can’t vouch for any dates here). The couple remained in a custody dispute over Christian until 1972 when Kashfi abducted the 13 year boy and took him to Mexico. She was sent to jail and subsequently lost all chance for custody. His Mother had drug and alcohol problems.
Christian dropped out of High School and held minor acting jobs. As can be expected he had emotional problems and ended up killing his sister Cheyenne’s boyfriend while arguing over whether the boyfriend had beaten his pregnant half-sister. He spent 5 years in jail for the murder. Cheyenne gave birth to the baby but hanged herself at Age 25. Christian was recently divorced for violent behavior to his wife and her daughter.
This is a description of his childhood from www.astrotheme.com. (Date of parents’ separation is different from one mentioned in obituary in newspaper (www.mercurynews.com):
Kashfi turned to barbiturates and alcohol and the couple divorced a year after Christian’s birth in May 1959. Christian was passed between the two as their relationship became more and more hostile and abusive. The author Nellie Bly claimed that “When the Brandos quarreled, Anna displayed a ‘frightening’ rage,” and that “Anna left baby Christian alone in her car parked on Wilshire Boulevard while she confronted Brando in his office, ‘beating at him with her fists, in a frenzy of rage.” There was a protracted custody battle between Kashfi and Brando until he eventually won custody of Christian aged 13 after an incident when Christian was taken out of school to Mexico by Kashfi without Brando’s consent.
Christian had little good contact with his father, being raised by nannies and servants, moving between Hollywood and the private island near Tahiti. A reluctant witness to his father’s sexual exploits and bizarre behavior, Christian complained that:
“The family kept changing shape, I’d sit down at the breakfast table and say, “Who are you?””
Filed under: Alcoholism, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Mentally Ill parents, Raised by non-relatives, Stepfamilies, Suicide, money, self-absorbed parents
Jack London is the famous writer of White Fang and The Call of the Wild. One is a story about a wild dog who is taken in and tamed and the other is about a tame dog who becomes wild. You can see the Children of Divorce theme all the place in these themes.
London was born in San Francisco, California to a professional Astrologer and a Spiritualist in the late 19th century. His birth was unwanted. His Father abandonned his Mother when she announced her pregnancy. She had suffered a childhood illness which left her weak both physically and mentally. She resented London’s presence and passed his upbringing over to an ex-slave. She remarried and Jack London took his stepfather’s name. That couple had two children. London was taken out of school at the age of 10 and put to work for 10-12 hours a day. Eventually he found the Public Library and educated himself. After owning his own fishing boat and losing it among other adventures, London returned to High School and graduated. He went to college for a year but dropped out due to financial problems.
London was the most commercially successful writer of his time. He was married twice, once divorced and had 2 daughters. He considered his 2d wife to be his soul-mate. London was an Alcoholic and a womanizer and he was accused of plagiarizing some of his works. He tried his hand at owning a Ranch and failed. Already suffering from Kidney Failure, London either overdosed on his medication or committed Suicide at the age of 40.
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Suicide, indifferent parents, self-absorbed parents, therapy
I suppose “Problematic” is a fairly gentle term for some of the screws up that spawn from Divorce. Not all Mass Murderers come from broken homes, but, frankly, I’m sort of surprised that more aren’t. Here’s one. He wasn’t even on psych drugs. But he did tell his therapists that he wished his parents loved him. Robert Hawkins is the mass murderer who entered a Shopping Mall in Nebraska last month (Dec. 5, 2007, Omaha) and killed 8 people and himself. His parents divorced shortly before he turned 2 years old. Hawkins and his older sister lived with his Father. His sister is 4 years older and reportedly doing very well in life.
Both parents remarried new partners when he was 4. His Mother went through a second Divorce when Hawkins was 8 years old. His Father divorced his StepMother when Hawkins was 17. Hawkins had one birth sister, 4 years older, and 4 half-siblings, all younger. He had been receiving therapy since he was 6 years old. His Mother fought for custody about that time saying that the Step-Mother was verbally abusive. Hawkins was put into a Mental Hospital on or the day after his 14th Birthday for threatening to kill his Step-Mother. After that he was made a Ward of the State and lived until Age 17 in State Facilities or in Foster Homes. His Mother visited him for the first time after 2 1/2 years in July, 2005. At 17, Hawkins moved back in with his Father who was going through his 2d Divorce (not the best timing but I guess Daddy felt lonely), then dropped out of High School. Hawkins was detained a couple of times while in Foster Care for dealing marijuana. At the time of his death he had just been fired for stealing money from McDonalds, had broken up with his girlfriends and was having legal problems for alcohol and drugs.
The Director of the Facility where Hawkins was kept says that his Treatment cost $245,000.
Description of Hawkins’ life: http://omaha.craigslist.org/pol/511019475.html.
Filed under: Exemplary Children of Divorce, Mentally Ill parents, Suicide, self-absorbed parents, therapy
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were sort of like the Prom King and Queen of Generation X. This was a generation that sort of grew up stunned by Life. They were the first kids to talk about growing up in Divorce.
Kurt Cobain’s parents divorced in 1975 when he was 7. He lived for a year with his Mom and then moved in with his Dad and after that shuttled around. His Mother said that the Divorce completely changed him. He became out of control and after a few years when Dad couldn’t handle him he bopped around between family and friends’ houses. He dropped out of high school and lived for a while under a bridge. Cobain’s saving grace was that he started playing guitar at Age 14. I guess an outlet for expression helps. Unfortunately it doesn’t fix anything. He seems his health was frail his whole life and he suffered from depression, Scoliosis, bronchitis and stomach problems.
Cobain started using drugs when he was 11 and was hooked on heroin by 1986.
From what I’m reading Cobain became the voice for Generation X and for the Grunge style of Rock. The Grunge style certainly seems to fit with growing up in a chaotic household. Cobain celebrated instant celebrity as lead singer for Nirvana and struggled with his success. He married Courtney Love in 1992 with whom he had a daughter.
Cobain killed himself on Apr. 8, 1994 in Washington state, Age 27.
Courtney Love was born in San Francisco to highly dysfunctional parents. Her Hippie parents divorced when she was 5. Her Mother gained custody by telling the court that Courtney’s Father had fed her pills when Courtney was 4. Her Father continued to feed her drugs for the rest of her childhood. Her Mother remarried twice more and had two more daughters. Courtney’s Mother is a therapist and says that Courtney became magically screwed up on her own at Age 2. Courtney was given an insulting nickname as a child, Miss Pee?, because her clothes were so filthy. One can see where the Grunge look originated. She has since become a Fashion Icon who is known for a sloppy, but stylish look.
Courtney’s Mom sent her to therapy when she was 6. That worked well. They spent much of Courtney’s childhood years traveling around the World. When Courtney was 8 the family moved to New Zealand and left her behind because she fought with her Mother. Courtney was eventually brought over but was sent back. She ended up spending most of the rest of her childhood in Mental Hospitals, Foster Homes, Detention Centers and Strip Clubs.
Love became the Lead Singer and Lyricist for the group Hole. She met Cobain in 1989 and they married in 1992 when Courtney became pregnant. Cobain committed Suicide and Love has somehow managed to keep her career going although fairly messed up by the drugs. In addition to her music she is a really great actress.
Love’s latest album is called “Nobody’s Daughter.” It looks like maybe Rehab worked this last go round at least. Rolling Stone has called her “the most controversial woman in the history of rock.” While Courtney was at the peak of her worst problems, The Mother took advantage of her Fame and published a book telling all about Courtney’s messed up family from the point of view of a rational therapist. I’m sure that helped her daughter. Where do these idiots come from?
Filed under: Books, Living with Grandparents, indifferent parents, self-absorbed parents, separate households | Tags: Heidi, What Maisie Knew
On my reading list, probably for the year 2020 seeing how much I look forward to trying to read it, is the book What Maisie Knew by Henry James. It seems to be the only established literary work out there about a kid growing up in Divorce in Victorian times, maybe Edwardian, whatever. I’ve been following a couple of psych/neurologist types and they seem to love Henry James for his profound insights into Human Nature. I had to read, or try to read, a couple of his stories for a class once and nobody understood the guy’s writing. The sentences were so long and ponderous I never caught on to anything in the story. Besides, I was too young to understand the psychology.
I know that the Psychology Profession has pretty much set the world backward in understanding human behavior as compared to most 19th Century novels. I used to know a brilliant guy who had read all of Balzac’s 100 novels when he 10! He said they were sort of a catalog of human personalities. Then along comes Freud who convinces a whole Century worth of otherwise Liberal Arts majors that they too can ponder the depths of the human soul by obtaining Phds.
Onwards, from what I’ve read superficially on the Web, What Maisie Knew is about loss of innocence. Maisie’s parents are self-absorbed Society people who I assume use her to get at each other, etc. and then resent her presence otherwise . The Victorians were known for doing this to their kids. People these days would never do that. We have drug em. Maisie’s care gets passed from adult to adult and she learns all about selfish human motives through them. She eventually chooses to live with an old maid who has almost no redeeming qualities in a social way just so that she can gain some peace of mind. I’m probably telling a completely wrong story at this point because I’ve never read it in the first place. So, apparently the book is a negative expose about growing up in Divorce, at least that’s the metaphor used.
Parents won’t ever in a million years attempt to read it no matter what. Maybe Marvel comics will make a version so I can read it.
The reason why I’m impatient to mention Maisie now is because I had a different conversation where somebody mentioned the Heidi story. No. Not Heidi of the Grand Canyon, although she was a beast of burden and that seems to fit into our description of Kids from divorce here just fine. We’re discussing Heidi of the Swiss Alps. Heidi’s story is that she was a poor orphan child with no place to go so she was sent to live with a grumpy old Uncle. With her exceptional powers of childlike innocence she softened his crust and transformed him into a nice guy.
So there you go. Only innocent children need apply. How many stories like this are out there? Millions? Innocent children who soften the adults around them, cure old age, cure criminal behaviors, whatever ails the needy adult these super powers can fix with their simplicity and stupidity. These are the children that the stepparents think they are going to benefit through. Anything less than Shirley Temple in a kid is represhensible. Heidi did not however have to negotiate between warring sets of people who demanded her full on attention in short spurts and gave nothing back in return. She had a sweet one on one relationship, a whole lot of time, no Ritalin or Prozac, and a whole herd of goats to work her magic through. She could really develop a deep relationship with this guy. Kids can’t work their magic while on a tight schedule of visits. Time goes slowly for them so they can probably accomplish a lot more than adults can in this regard, but they’re trying to fix two sets. Innocence just doesn’t stick around for that.
Filed under: Books, Exemplary Children of Divorce, bi-racial, indifferent parents, links to articles, name change, self-absorbed parents, separate households, two religions | Tags: Books, indifferent parents, links to article, name change, self-absorbed parents, Successful Children of Divorce
Rebecca Walker is the daughter of the poet Alice Walker & Mel Leventhal, a famous civil rights lawyer. She is a feminist and writer herself and has written about growing up in a mixed race family(ies) and of her parents’ divorce in Black, White & Jewish: Autobiography of a Shifting Self. Time Magazine has named her one of the 50 Future Leaders of America.
Rebecca’s parents divorced when she was in the 3d grade. She switched back and forth between her parents, 2 years with one then 2 years with the other which meant that not only was she living with 2 separate parental households, but she was living on different coasts in the U.S. every other year, as well as having to living with biracial ethnicity. “Exhausting” is how she now describes bouncing between families of two races and two religions. She went through a drug phase and got pregnant when she was 14. When she was 18 she switched her last name from her Father’s surname to her Mother’s.
She is bisexual and has currently had a baby boy. She is estranged from her Mother. Her most recent book is about her attitudes and experiences with Motherhood.
Here’s a quote and link from a 2001 article about Walker’s book:
www.rebeccawalker.com/article_2001_coloredparent.htm
Trapped in a destructive cycle, needing to re-invent herself every couple of years (and having had little clue as to who she was in the first place), Rebecca found she belonged simultaneously to two worlds and to none. Not surprisingly, some of the adjustments she made took on a racial twist: Denying part of herself each time she shuffled from city to city, from Jewish to black, from status-quo middle class to radical-artist bohe-mian, she trained herself to keep the code, not to say anything too white when she was with friends from the inner city, not to say anything too black when she was at Jewish summer camp.
But mostly Rebecca Walker’s story, as she tells it, is about raising herself. Her mother bragged in interviews that she and her daughter were like sisters, but as Rebecca points out, “being my mother’s sister doesn’t allow me to be her daughter.” So while Alice Walker was off on speaking engagements, sometimes for days on end, her “sister” Rebecca was choosing her own high school, taking drugs, having sex and generally fending for herself.
