A 16-year old girl in Connecticut heard her Mother in the bedroom having sex with a boyfriend. She thought her Mother was being abused and rounded up a bunch of guy friends who beat the boyfriend.
The Mother had the kids arrested and says the jail time will teach them a Valuable Lesson. And that is that — they should have knocked on the door to ask if everything was ok before assuming that they should rush in with a bat. That’s good to know.
Children of D have their own rules of etiquette to follow that haven’t been covered quite yet by Emily Post. In other words, if an intruder breaks into the house offer the guy Milk & Cookies. Just because Mom is tied to the bed and screaming her head off it doesn’t mean that she’s being hurt… geez, everybody knows that… show some respect, will ya?
P.S., it’s very common for Children of D to be intimately aware of their parents’ sex lives.
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Stepfamilies, Violence, separate households
Tyler Weinman is 18 years old and has just graduated from High School. He was arrested just after midnight on Sunday night for the recent gruesome killings of cats in Southern Florida. At least 33 cats have recently been found dead in the areas where Tyler’s parents live, mostly in the area around his Father’s house.
Tyler lives with his Mother in Cutler Bay, Florida. His Father and Step-Mother live a mile or two away. Tyler Weinman is a Child of D.
Yes, Mom and Dad are Divorced and it seems that Tyler spends a lot of time trafficking between the two homes. And his path to and fro is where the cats are dying. Maybe it’s best if the parents live far apart so that their kids have to spend most of their travel time at the airport. Don’t think there’s a big cat population at the airport that they can take their frustrations out on.
So this is one of the few cases where a Divorce situation is being openly discussed by the media. And suddenly there is much discussion about how kids from broken homes are cat killers because, well, you know, it’s stressful coming from a broken home. (Strangely, the Psychologists and the Parents don’t know about this stress, but the Police know it, the Whiners from the Intact Families who always complain about how much better their childhoods would have been if only their parents had divorced, they suddenly know it too.)
So then we have to back track. Half of all the kids running around in the United States are growing up in Divorce. Half of all the kids in the country aren’t killing their neighbors’ cats. (Of course, it’s difficult to read about Tyler’s life and not feel a bit of empathy for how stressful it must be.) Tyler’s Father is remarried so at least one half of Tyler’s set of families is happy in the eyes of society. But that brings up the discussion about how he’s obviously a sociopath because he doesn’t get along with his Step-Mother. Mom’s life is not reported. I don’t know if Tyler has siblings. Tyler’s father is a Dentist which indicates money. To me that indicates a split financial situation between households and a lot of fighting over money, but the folks from the Intact Families say it’s a sure sign that: Tyler is a Spoiled Child of Divorce.
The police are not letting out pertinent information with regards to Tyler’s case. This could be fueling the media’s early “conviction” of Tyler based on his family status. What else are they going to talk about after all?
We don’t know if Tyler killed the cats but I suppose the police wouldn’t have arrested him if they weren’t pretty sure. They had secretly put a tracker on his car and had been following him around for weeks, after all. They had been staking out his Father’s house. Tyler has been released with an ankle bracelet and a big bond payment and he will receive psychiatric evaluations.
I may have wrong information here but I believe that Tyler’s first arrest came a couple of days after the first dead cat showed up. The neighbors immediately pointed their fingers at him. The police didn’t find cat blood but they did find pot in his car and discovered that he was driving with a suspended license according to this article. Then they stopped him for skateboarding at 2:00 am dressed in black. That’s suspicious unless your only other choice is to try to sleep in a house with a screaming parent. Of course, I don’t know about Tyler’s home life. You never, ever ask about the parents Divorce situation or mental status. It is assumed that they mean well.
The media has incorrectly reported that Tyler was first arrested while attending his Senior Prom. Tyler’s neighbors supposedly told the media that he was carted off while wearing his Tuxedo. It turns out that his prom took place 3 weeks before the first killing occurred.
There’s discussion over Tyler’s mugshot which alone really does seem to convict him. He looks pretty sociopathic because he’s smiling, smirking, as it’s being called. But, who knows what’s going here? Since he’s a pothead and was arrested late at night while at a party it makes sense that he was probably high. He may have not been very lucid and he may not have been told what he had been arrested for and he may have been assuming that this was another pot charge. Potheads always have those devastating smiles. The photographer had probably told him to wipe the grin off his face and in his state of mind this was the best he could do.
The media is concentrating on the fact that Tyler doesn’t get along with his Step-Mother and is obviously motivated to kill cats because she has cats. She has 9 cats which is a little OCD, IMO (and I’m a cat person).
It sounds like Tyler likes cats, anyway. If what I read is true and sorry I don’t have a link, one of Tyler’s Mom’s neighbors says that Tyler owns a cat which he took in as a stray. Tyler also has a girlfriend. Or had a girlfriend. His alleged homosexuality has come up for discussion as well as his Jewish last name. Boy, this is really creepy. With these attitudes I’d say that just about anybody living in South Florida would be capable of killing a cat.
I’m not saying that Tyler is innocent. If he did these crimes then he is seriously disturbed. But the media’s reporting of this case is even more disturbing. Guess I’m adding to it…
Filed under: Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, High School Drop Out, Mentally Ill parents, PTSD, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., School Drop Out - High School or College, Violence, separate households
Today there is news that an ex soldier in Iraq has been found guilty of having Murdered a family in order to rape the 14 year old daughter. The ex-soldier is Stephen Green from Texas. He and a group of other soldiers had planned the rape. Green’s murders apparently came as a surprise. They were stationed in a particularly troublesome spot in the war zone known as The Triangle of Death. A Washington Post article by Andrew Tilgman tells about his meeting with Green and his group. It’s called “I came over here because I wanted to kill people.” Apparently, the reporter didn’t pay attention to Green’s words because he had heard this sort of brute honesty from all the soldiers. The article alluded to a troublesome childhood so grudgingly I looked to see if Green was a Child of D. Despite his minor offenses with the law and an angry personality Green was allowed into the military during a time when enlistments were down.
I’ve sort of been watching all this attention on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder regarding the Iraq War and have wondered if the problem is just now receiving attention or if all the Children of D are enlisting in order to get away from stressful situations and then are buckling under the extra stresses of war.
Green was born on May 2, 1985. Spent early years in Midland, TX. Parents divorced but don’t know what age. Green moved to Seabrook Texas with his Mother. She remarried when he was around 8 years old. Reports say that Green had a troubled, angry personality from about Junior High School years onward. His Mother is said to have “had problems” and was jailed for 6 months in 2000 and he went to live with his Father back in Midland. He dropped out in 2002 while in the 10th Grade but managed to get his equivalency degree in 2003 from a Community College. Green was in trouble with the law for minor offenses of smoking, pot, alcohol consumption. It was noted on the records that he must have had trouble at home because he didn’t list either parent as a contact. Green lived with his estranged step-father for a while at some point.
Source from The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/14/us/14private.html
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Birth Order, Courts, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Prostitution, Violence, money, separate households
Between Apr. 10 and April 16 three women were bound and robbed in Hotel Rooms in Boston, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. They had all advertised as masseuses on CraigsList. One of the victims, Julissa Brisman, was shot multiple times and subsequently murdered. The other two women survived. 23 year old medical student Philip Markoff has been traced to all 3 attacks and is currently being held in jail. A gay man is also said to have contact with Markoff through an email (news about that is sketchy right now).
The media is going on and on about Markoff’s impending marriage which was to be held in August. It sounds as if Markoff’s family history is quite strained as well and, although, I can’t find the full picture, this is what I’ve figured out so far. The information may change. One thing is certain: Markoff is a Child of D.
People are blind sided by Markoff’s Double Personality. (Why are people never blind-sided by a Double Childhood that results from growing up in a Divorce?) Markoff is described as being very nice, clean cut, sort of nerdy (there’s that nerdy description again applied to a Child of D).
As an aside, I’ve tried to find information about Markoff’s alleged victims’ childhood status to see if they also were from Divorce. His alleged Murder victim, Julissa Brisman, had the same last name as her Father while her Mother’s last name is given as Guzman so there is a possibility that Julissa’s parents are divorced. In that case, it is not surprising that, like Markoff, Julissa led a double life. Her friends, apparently, had no idea that she worked as a masseuse. Children of D grow up as involuntary voyeurs of sorts. They witness much behavior in their families that can’t be discussed with anyone else due to extreme emotional behaviors, secrets, allegiances, betrayals, loyalities that it is not surprising to see how double lives can manifest later in life. Innocence doesn’t exist for Children of D. Distorted sense of lack of positive authority figures also is lacking. In a very few people this experience of childhood into extremely advanced states of consciousness and wisdom. In others it can cause problems as the child continues to show signs of normalcy to the outside world. And who knows? Maybe Markoff (assuming he’s guilty of course) is just a bad egg.
It would be interesting to know whether or not Markoff’s fiancee is from a Divorce or Intact family just for comparison’s sake but she’s going through enough Hell right now and doesn’t need any more scrutiny.
Markoff’s parents were divorced when he was very young. I don’t have an age. Right now I just know that it happened before he was 5 years old because that’s when his Mother gave birth to his sister who was his Step-Father’s child.
I’ve read that Markoff’s Father, Richard Markoff, is a Dentist so that probably puts Markoff in a wealthy class on his Father’s side. I’ve read that his Mother is or was a Casino worker. That definitely means that his Mother is not wealthy. If it’s true it paints a much different attitude toward money in that household and that Markoff would have constantly tried to reconcile two great schisms of class into his life (all the while trying to grow up). Children of D often grow up in two completely different financial classes. One can pretty accurately assume that the poor parent expresses great resentment over the other parent’s financial status. Even if that doesn’t happen, the child is a witness who is stuck in between. This can create detachment and just plain old weird behavior.
Markoff has an older brother, Jon, from his parents’ marriage. It seems that Jon is his closest relative. News reports showed that the Brother spent the most time visiting with Markoff in jail. Siblings in Divorce often have to take over as supports. One might imagine that Markoff’s parents probably can’t stand each other and are adding to the tension for Markoff. Anybody who has endured bringing both parents together for family “celebrations” like graduations and weddings knows how tense those situations are. Imagine if you’ve just been stuck in jail for murder and need emotional support from self-absorbed parents. At any rate, the Rich Dentist Father is probably so tired of hearing from the Mother about financial support problems that he’s not about to help his kid out here (my assumption about situation which is hopefully wrong).
Both of Markoff’s parents reportedly have remarried which means that Markoff was blessed with Step-Parents on both sides. Maintaining a sweet, nerdy disposition was probably Markoff’s greatest survival tool during childhood. He made everyone comfortable and was well liked for never making a fuss.
Markoff’s older brother reportedly moved in with his Father and Wife while Markoff lived with his Mother and her Husband. Don’t know what age.
When the oldest child moves out this can possibly show a couple of things. Who knows if they apply in Markoff’s case. First thing to think about is that the household that the only child is leaving is problematic. Second, the younger sibling will go through feelings of rejection, loneliness and grief over having been left behind. There could have been money problems, addictions, gambling, lack of compatibility.
By Age 5, Markoff had a younger half-sister through his Mother and Step-Father. So there are birth order changes as is typical of step-families.
Markoff’s Mother is said to have split from his Step-Father four years ago. Her last name at the time was Carroll. I heard on a News Cast that her current last name is Haines so perhaps she has remarried or perhaps the media just couldn’t get the all the family mish-mash information straight.
Either way, it looks right now as if Markoff’s Mother’s 2d divorce would have occurred in 2005. This is the same year that Markoff is said to have met his Fiancee. I believe he would have been around 19 years old.
Source: http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/04/alleged_craigsl.html#commentshttp://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/04/26/2009-04-26_suspect_and_victim_led_secret_lives_med_student_gambled__actress_gave_massages.html?page=0
Filed under: Abandonment, Raised by non-relatives, Violence, indifferent parents
On Friday night James Harrison and his 16 year old daughter found their wife/mother in a store with another man. The wife is said to have argued with Harrison and told him that she was leaving him for this other man. On Saturday afternoon the neighbors called the police to check on the Harrison’s five children. The police found the 5 children in their home, shot dead. Harrison later killed himself.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090405/ap_on_re_us/children_slain
This is probably a common attitude towards the children in a marriage that is falling apart. It’s great when the media reports these stories because the Psychology community likes to keep them private.
The Yahoo article linked to says that Harrison had a controlling personality and was often heard yelling at his kids. Mrs. Harrison had 1st become pregnant when she was 13.
From the little that I can tell of these people’s lives I can say this is a good argument for using birth control and for bothering to continue to parent kids when they are in their teens so that they don’t get caught making mistakes that they won’t be able to handle later on in life.
It would also be great if parents who are planning on leaving their spouses make plans to get their children out of the house before making the Big Announcement. This is something that one needs to put some thought into. If the spouse is abusive the behavior will only direct itself in ten times worse ways towards the kids after he/she is dumped. Being dumped hurts even if you’re an abusive jerk. Leave the kids with relatives or friends or neighbors. Do not leave them with the dumped parent. Do not let them see their parent in that state.
Article explaining the 6 types of women who murder their children and their motives. Divorce is not mentioned as a cause. How strange is that? This is probably very common in divorced families. My Mother tried to commit suicide several times and, after my brother left for college, was threatening to kill me because in her words it’s not worth it for a woman to live through this. I talked about this with the first therapist I went to. I remember how self-conscious I felt trying to cry for him as he said that he detected redness in my eyes.
Over the years my insomnia from this event has become increasingly worse, not better. I don’t remember the events very well at all but can instantly feel the terror in my stomach as my mother was yelling that she had bought a gun from her boyfriend and was going to shoot me in my sleep.
The article below says that 600 children a year are killed by their Mothers. This means that a much greater number is living with the constant threats the way I did. I never really believed that my Mother would kill me and never discussed it with anyone. It was just part of a huge set of episodes that were related to the Divorce. (from: www.expertclick.com/newsreleasewire/default.cfm?Action-Release Detail/ID-10548):
| : Mothers who murder their children | ||
| Los Angeles, CA | October 21 2005 | |
| More than 600 mothers kill their children each year, which gives rise to a psychological condition described as “maternal filicide,” according to a child psychologist who has reviewed the worldwide research on this topic. “There are six major personality profiles of mothers who kill their children,” said Los Angeles psychologist Robert R. Butterworth, Ph.D. He describes what the psychological research tells us about the different types of mothers who murder their children and their possible motivations:– The Mentally Ill Mother: A woman who may be acutely psychotic, having serious psychological disturbances starting from her own childhood or her parents, which may be instrumental in causing her own psychological problem to surface. An inadequacy in handling aggression, probably originating from a disturbed relationship with the murderer’s own parents, which could include hereditary influences. – The Retaliating Mother: A woman who is jealous of her husband and envious of the child because of the attention that it receives from others, whereas the mother may have had little or no attention in her own childhood, which leads to a disturbed, immature, nongiving relationship with the child. The filicide could be motivated by revenge, especially with male children; the mother’s anger toward the child’s father may be displaced onto the male child, who reminds the mother of the child’s father. – The Depressed Mother: Research shows that more than a third of the mothers killed their children under the influence of depression or what could be an extended form of suicide: “I kill the one I most love — my child.” Thus a child is particularly vulnerable when a depressive illness is present. The risk becomes high when depressive illness is combined with certain types of personality structures. – The Unwanted or Unexpected Mother: Unwanted or unplanned children, especially in countries where birth control and abortion are difficult to obtain, are more likely to suffer from maternal filicide. – The Merciful Mother: A sick or diseased child is killed by the loving mother to protect the child from pain and suffering. – The Battering Mother: In a fit of rage, they accidentally batter the child to death. Other findings: – The high frequency of altruistic motives distinguish filicide from other homicides. – Crime statistics show that mothers are more rarely or more mildly punished for filicide than fathers. – Mothers kill children only, but men who kill their children are more likely to kill their wives. – Suicide or attempted suicide following the crime was also more likely with fathers. |
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| Robert Butterworth Director |
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Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Violence, indifferent parents
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Filed under: Birth Order, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Suicide, Violence
A couple of weeks ago a 19 year old College Student named Abraham Biggs, Jr. committed Suicide from his Father’s home and broadcast his death over the Internet. The stories don’t mention whether he was a Child of D but the fact that he was “living in his Father’s home” and text massaging his Mother indicates that the parents are separated. If I’m jumping to conclusions I will have to delete this later on. Since there have been a couple of other similar suicides broadcast over the Internet that have been connected with Divorce in the family there might be a connection.
Abraham was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and obviously wasn’t being helped by the meds — to an extreme degree — because he killed himself with them. Biggs had tried to kill himself twice before. I don’t know why the Medical profession isn’t more careful with psychiatric “treatments” but, what do I know?
The especially horrifying part of the story that is being covered in the media is the fact that the other members of the Internet forum were simply watching Abraham take the pills. They were apparently goading him on and making fun of him. I tend to think that this might be a Child of D type phenomenon. Humiliation is probably not felt as strongly among Children of D simply because they are expected to cover up and buck up under the circumstances of their childhoods. Getting swept up in hatred is a normal part of divorced family life. And asking for help? That might make a parent feel guilty or threaten a therapist’s ego who simply refuses to believe that Divorce has negative effects on Children.
For a Child of D,putting one’s problem out into the public domain is not as extreme a behavior as it is for kids from intact families. You grow up with so much more awareness of your parents’ personal problems that problems don’t seem like a private thing. The relationships, the idea that everyone is replaceable, the money bartering, the fighting, the worthlessness, the extra responsibilities, having to repress your needs for your parents’.
Something else I’m beginning to notice about kids and divorce is that the younger children seem to get pulled under from the stress much worse than the eldest or the only children. In all the cases of these Internet deaths the person committing the crime was a younger child. Siblings in Divorce usually stick together. They share a special set of secrets. When the oldest one leaves the house, the youngest have to deal with the stress by themselves. They actually act as a stable, non-strange part of the family that the eldest can always return to. The parents become the satellites who provide meals and quality time (if the kid is lucky) but are dependent emotionally and probably not considered reliable.
In this way, the youngest has to take on a lot of extra responsibility and as the youngest this responsibility is never acknowledged. There is also the possibility that, as in normal families, the youngest is spoiled with material possessions and is allowed to run around free. Just as likely, the money runs out by the time the youngest is ready for prom dresses, regular meals, cars, college. Divorce isn’t the most sensible experience from a financial standpoint unless one of the parents is just completely irresponsible and is cast out.
Either way, I hope that Abraham Biggs, Jr. will rest in peace. I don’t wish his Parents anymore insults if they are indeed Divorced. They certainly don’t need it right now. But in the event that the parents were split I would like to raise awareness for others that this may be a problem for other kids.
******
The other American Webcam Suicide that I found was also a Child of D. Brandon Carl Vedas, Age 21, who committed Suicide publicly on the Internet on Jan. 21, 2003 in Phoenix, AZ. His parents were divorced and both were remarried. His older brother has set up a very nice memorial website for him.
An Englishman, Kevin Whitrick, hanged himself while being goaded over the Internet through a webcam on Mar. 21, 2007. I can’t find information about his childhood. Whitrick was a 42 year old Engineer, Divorced with 12 year old twins. Apparently he was upset over his Father’s recent death.
There was a 3d death which was listed on Wikipedia but I couldn’t come up with any information regarding the family.
Filed under: Abandonment, Bad Children of Divorce, Mentally Ill parents, Movies About Growing Up in Divorce, Parents and their Dates, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Suicide, Violence, money
This movie, Savage Grace, completely destroyed my week-end. It’s the most miserable story in the world. Julianne Moore plays a rich socialite nymphomaniac who is murdered by her son. It’s based on the life of a woman called Barbara Baekeland and I don’t know how much of it is true. Barbara Baekeland married and was dumped by an heir to a Plastics fortune. She developed an abnormally close relationship with her son which can probably qualify in modern terms as Parental Alienation Syndrome, along with Incest and just plain old creep out. I sort of wonder if Incest (between parent and child at any rate) is sometimes connected with Parental Alienation Syndrome.
The Son, Antony Baekeland, was Gay and his Mother seduced him in order to try to convert him to normal, not that she’d have a clue what that was. The Father left Anthony to take care of his Mother alone as she descended into depressions and eventually a suicide attempt. There is a really great line in the movie where Anthony is writing to his father telling him that his only inheritance was taking care of his mother. Really interesting line in a family where inheritance and money seem to have caused so much trouble. The Father apparently did nothing to help his Son, typical behavior.
According to what I read on the Internet (sorry forget to get any links) Tony (Antony) was released from jail eventually and went to live with his Mother’s Mother. After a week he stabbed her. So, he was permanently destroyed. He eventually committed suicide in jail.
I have no idea how closely the movie follows what people know about the real story but I’ve found that movies are highly fictionalized. I don’t know if I recommend this to anyone who grew up in a difficult Divorce or suffered Incest or Suicides. Unlike the movie “About A Boy” which is partly about a boy witnessing his Mother’s suicide attempt, there’s no redemption to this story, made all the worse because it’s based on real life. Some of the reviews that I’ve read say that they don’t even believe it could be a real story, har har. The movie is based on a book by the same title.
