Spoiled Children of Divorce


Yes, This House is Broken.
December 11, 2007, 11:46 pm
Filed under: Books, Uncategorized

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a Great Fall.

All the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men

Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.”

This is the lesson that kids have to learn from their parents’ divorces. It was written in the day when it was typical to lose a parent through death. Kids have to know that life is difficult and when it is they can say it is. If your parent dies, people sympathize. If your parents divorce, people react really weirdly. As much as grief, though, Divorce for a kid brings a loss of innocence.

While passing through the library I picked up a new advice book on Divorce. There are a couple of chapters on how the writer dealt with her kids in the Divorce which I quickly flipped through. The author’s tone is upbeat and the design of the book is very nice with quotes from Divorce experts. The book is called The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisores, Counselors, and Other Experts, written by Deborah Moskovitch. I admit right off the bat that I just don’t follow the logic, or lack thereof, of parents who want to ignore the effect that Divorce will have on their kids. There’s so much denial and misplaced authoritarian superiority complex here I can only laugh.

From p. 134:

“Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home” or any of the other terms the professional call it. When I talk to my children, we refer to ourselves as a family, because that is what we are. We do not evaluate ourselves against the traditional family — the family with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but it is still a family, and all families have their challenges, no matter how they are configured. Your challenge is to make life just as normal as possible and to ensure that your children don’t see themselves as “children of divorce” but just as regular children.”

Okay, for one, Sensitive?!!!! Don’t get me going. It’s easy to see that Ms. Moskovitch is in denial about her situation. She’s defensive about raising her kids in an inferior situation, and sort of admitting it in that Bullying kind of way. She ignores that fact that her idea of “family” is completely different from her kids’ idea. Her kids are from a “Broken Home.” Every time they talk to someone who isn’t from a “Broken Home” they are reminded of it. Every time they have to pick up their lives and move from Mommy’s to Daddy’s and to Mommy’s and to Daddy’s they are reminded of it. They have to explain everything they do twice over, once for Mommy and once for Daddy.

I think the Kids should be allowed to call their Home(s) Life(s) what it (They) is (Are). The kids have two families which they have to maneuver between. They shouldn’t be forced to say that they don’t have to do this and that it’s not an incredible inconvenience.

The Author quotes something from her son.

From p. 36:

“My oldest son often tells me, ‘Mom, you don’t know how I am feeling because you grew up with two parents at home.'”

This is a straight-forward statement, not difficult to grasp if no emotions are involved. I can certainly feel the frustration here although I would never have been able to say it to my parents until after I was an adult. Sadly, the emotional vibe in the kid’s statement is that he has to repeat it “often.” He’s pared his thoughts down to its most direct wording and still Mom can’t hear it. I can feel the urgency and frustration with which he’s trying to get through but she plods on, all-knowing. The parent simply expects to keep the same rules as she grew up with in an intact family.

The kid has not only the rules in Mom’s house but a completely different set in the Father’s house. And neither house is in anyway similar to an intact family structure where the parents are seen as cooperating on some level. Step-Parents bring in all their own rules, charmers that those are. And everyone’s going to be an authority.

Undaunted by her inability to receive the information her son, though, and unable to deal with the verbal side of communication, Ms. Moskovitch turns to psychic nurturing:

“What I have learned is to try to visualize myself in my child’s situation.”

Why the visualization exercise? Her son repeatedly tells her that her visualization exercises aren’t working. This is so narcissistic. It’s also very typical of how a divorced parent thinks.
Here’s the clinker:

“Quite honestly, I never really thought of my children grieving my divorce.”

More narcissism. She really doesn’t know that the kids exist outside of herself. There’s also a chance here that she might be really stupid. I once dated a guy who said that having kids is the easiest thing in the world to do; raising them one of the most difficult.


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