Spoiled Children of Divorce

Another Link, Mostly StepMothers Bitching About StepDaughters
December 19, 2007, 2:09 am
Filed under: Bad Step-Parent Stories, Uncategorized, Websites | Tags:

Here’s another link to a website where stepmothers talk about their evil stepchildren. If you’ve ever worked in an office full of catty women you know how torturous these bitches can be. They use the word “evil” towards 3 year old kids who are in the middle of really rotten childhoods and never take the time to explain what their part in the problem is. Simply the Children are Evil. These women see themselves as innocent young things, victim of everything that happens, full of love and light, are viewing evil for the first time in their lives and blaming it on small children. Isn’t this just a really weird mythology? Only a couple of the answers showed anyone with any parenting skills at all. None of these stepparents questions any of their own attitudes or behaviors.  They expect the kids to answer to their beck and call.  There was another website of parents discussing living arrangements with each other ad nauseum.  Man, the details, the resentment, the nit-picking.  At least if they’re doing it on the Internet their kids aren’t listening to them talk to each other on the phone like my generation did.

I think I may have already said this. But. If a woman is attracted to a man who is easygoing, the man will also be an easygoing parent, probably sort of negligent also. Kids who have negligent parents become little control freaks because they have to take care of themselves. The parents also marry people who are control freaks. You can’t put the positive end of a magnetic next to another positive end of a magnet, they repel each other. If this is your 2d, 5th, 13th marriage, then take it for granted that something is wrong with you especially with that special kind of “Love” you profess to have. Kids, Dogs, even the Toaster and the Computer will react to that, and not in a good way.

Folks, I’ll use your own words on you:  “Just Get Over It!!!!”


63 Comments so far
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Comment by ERIN

Thank you for your comment. I have said over and over again that I do not think that all step-parents are bad. I’m speaking on behalf of the kids who do have bad step-parents. Everytime one of us speaks up one of you poor victims start sobbing all over us with your own stories. Bad Step-Parents are very common. Kids can’t speak out as loudly as Adults in families. The step-parents are in a perfect position to bully and abuse kids, something which many take advantage of and get away with because you can’t hold in your own selfish needs. Visit the forums and see it for yourself. (Oh, I forgot you come from one of them). The games that being played on this blog, which is about kids who grew up in Divorce, not about or for Step parents is gross and proof of how abusive people love to take on this role. Messages are left on here that track back to hacker companies that automatically send malware to this website. Yes, somebody went that far out of their way to keep someone from speaking about what goes on in families. The need for control by step-parents is disgusting.

If you’ve read any other messages on this blog, which obviously you haven’t, you know that I agree with your situation more than you can apparently understand. I also tend to think that people ought to give some thought to getting married and having children and rushing into marriages with kids. A little forethought and preplanning might be able to solve some problems.

Since you shared your story I will tell you what I can see you are doing wrong. You are judging that kids’ Mother. This is her Mother. She has to love her Mother. It sounds like her Mother sucks. My Mother played the same games. I will tell you that many, many single mothers play these games, it’s very common. You are not saying what it is in your behavior that the Mother is turning her child against you. You seem to think that you are a perfect person. A bit of a whiner, but perfect, of course. It’s obvious that you are jealous of the mom’s money. This disparity of how money is looked at is confusing the kid. Since money is very important in families and is usually not discussed publicly this is innopropriate behavior on your part. There is nothing the kid can do about her Louis Vuitton purse. She ought to just be able to enjoy it because it was a gift. Now it is a subject of major contention on this blog and who knows how many other little gossip sessions with friends that you’ve had within earshot of the kid. If you make her feel self-conscious, she will act up. Your daughter is probably also jealous and doing snide little things to the kid.

The child has to jump from house to house and balance both out. Your daughter probably only has one family. When the kid comes to your house, she’s visiting someone else’s home. If she’s acting up it’s because she’s exhausted. Probably if she could have a choice she would choose to have only one house and her own life where she just has to think about herself and her friends and her chores. Her relationship with her Mother is more important to her than her relationship with you. This is normal survival behavior and, if you were a mature adult, you shouldn’t demand more of her. I have no idea how much she has to bounce around but I’m certain that you would never put a friend through what you are putting her through. If something happened to her Father you would disappear from her life in two seconds flat. Kids know this. I don’t know why you don’t it. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are a nice person. You’re stupid and self-centered but probably very nice when treated nicely — like most people. I’m sorry that you’re stressed out. I’m sorry that the Mother is jealous of your relationship. I’m sorry that she’s probably a lousy mother. I once knew a guy whose single Mother put him in a Mental Institution for 2 years so she could get through Medical school herself. Nothing was wrong with him, his mother just shouldn’t have had kids.

Mostly I’m sorry that that kid can’t be taught that designer handbags are ugly possessions that unimaginative people buy.

Comment by toothless

tough life

Comment by toothless

I have had a stepmother for many years and she has always been a horrible person.

Comment by St. Mary's Press

until you live the life of a stepmother with a manipulative stepdaughter whose only purpose is to break the two of you up you will never understand. This can start at an early age of 5 when the daughter is used to being the light of her fathers eye as he and the mother didn’t get along. so when that light is transferred to someone else the jealously and manipulation starts.

Comment by stepmom

you are awful, divorced yet????

Comment by Joe

At 5! Are you serious. You are jealous of a 5 year old! Does it sound crazy when I say it back to you, because it is!! It’s not manipulation it’s love, it’s her dad, and if you were the real mom I guarentee you would think the way that little girl loves her dad was the greatest thing in the world. How would you like it if you had a horrible childhood because your dad paid no attention to you, but would have had he not married an evil queen? Even if you won’t admit it in your selfish little world, it is the truth! You are the manipulator trying to transfer “the light of his eye” to you and off his 5 year old. All I have to say is KARMA!!!

Comment by Joe

Oh here we go again.

tough life.

You can leave any time you want. She can’t.

You’re all so frigging catty and selfish. It’s kind of like you women choose these lives just so you can pick on a little kid and then you’re shocked that she tries to defend herself? Why didn’t you provide me with an in depth analysis of yourself. You are the one who is jealous and manipulative. You get onto a blog for kids from divorce with your cliche complaints and start your whining? What a baby.

Don’t you think it’s odd that step-mothers almost never complain about their step-sons? I guess the sexual vibe really compensates…

You chose your life and your stepdaughter didn’t. She’s not jealous of you. She just doesn’t want to be held in your jail. It really amazes me all you step-mothers who complain about your stepdaughters but no one ever comes up with a solution for how to deal with the problem.

Comment by toothless

I have raised a step-daughter from age 9 to adulthood. If I could go back in time . . . I would have never gotten involved! We weren’t meant to be families of step-parents and step-children! If the men and women of this country would get their crap together and marry right the first time none of us would have to go through this mess. I will only be married once, period! My children will NEVER have step-parents, EVER! Let’s get it right the first time folks!

Comment by I AM A CLEVER 1

It is because you know exactly how bitchy a stepmother can be! I also am very unfortunate to be raised by a stepmother, and it is not very nice.To be jailed knowing that you can’t even live your space because of a woman who just can’t seem to get it into her mind that you need it and think she’s locking you away from opportunities whereas she ain’t . It’s about time they find peace with the fact that we ain’t going anywhere just like them, no one ever asked them to go into that kind of relationship, let alone getting married at the first place!

Comment by stepdaughter

Yeah, I think it did feel a little bit like being in jail, or at least trapped in an impossible situation. They have a choice about being there the kids don’t. I think that women feel so much more powerful when married because social status and finances are often easier
that they become more difficult to be around. Also, there was a study somewhere which showed that people only want serious commitment in first marriage. After that they are more focused on having enjoyment in their relationship. The difficult side of parenting doesn’t belong there.

Comment by wristwatch

I agree with the author’s statement! Go to any of the stepmoms’ “rant” sites and you’ll notice how whiny and self-pitying these women are. They profess to “hate” their step-kids, blame the kids because a child talked the boyfriend’s mom out of being their bank for their house loan, always state the ex-wife is crazy — and blame their insecurities on anyone but themselves. It’s truly pathetic how they can’t move on with their lives.

Comment by Stephanie

The reason step children are so god-awful is because their mothers have slandered the father and his new wife to the point that the child has no chance of being perceived as anything other than an obnoxious, vengeful shit.

Comment by Mimi

Yep. It’s called Parental Alienation syndrome

Comment by Emma

Mimi, No wonder that ex is afraid to let her kid into your care.

Comment by toothless

I think there are some pretty harsh words circulating towards stepmoms! Research has proven that step-moms have the hardest job in a stepfamily. I am both a bio mom, a stepmom, and my kid has a stepmom. He refuses to visit at his Dad’s because he does not get along with his stepmom. I have 2 great stepkids, 14yr old boy and 13 yr old girl. I have a good relationship with them, but I have to work very hard at it. We’ve been through every kind of hell, mostly because the young girl, whom I adore by the way, is very difficult and does not like sharing her father and has a very hard time not being the centre of attention. Why do stepmoms have a harder time with girls? Why do biomoms have a harder time with their daughters? Us stepmoms are not abnormal or evil – my good friend (who is also the ex’s sister) has had the same problems with her bio daughter that I’ve had with my stepdaughter. The difference is that as stepmoms no matter what we do we’re wrong, the bio mom is rarely supportive, and fathers do not support their wives over their daughters. These are facts, not complaints. Men must serve and protect, it is their nature, and as the daughters are far more vulnerable than an adult woman, it is their nature to protect the daughter first. It is natural for a woman to be jealous – step mom or bio mom. It is not evil – it is a normal human reaction. The woman needs to find a healthy outlet for this jealousy – when I’m feeling this way I have my husband take his daughter out on a date and then enjoy an hour of peace and quiet! Fathers in return, need to ensure they lavish their wives with some alone time and flowers. Remember, biomoms love their daughters unconditionally and receive unconditional love. Stepmoms work hard at their relationships every day, but are not blessed with the same unconditional love the bio parents get. Hats off to stepmoms everywhere!

Comment by Sherri

Hello Sherri.

Your comment is more thoughtful than the others so far but is still off mark.

You don’t say whether or not you grew up in a Divorce situation and had to shuffle between households yourself so you really have no personal experience. Also, the idea that Men protect is very conservative and shows that you don’t have an up-to-date concept of what it’s like to grow up in a modern household.

IMO, it’s true that the Fathers are the ones who are ultimately responsible for how their news wives get along with their kids. But, since you all expect to have kids who act like kids from normal families your expectations are unreasonable and selfish.

And P.S., A huge amount of StepMothers really are evil. That’s just reality. Fortunately for you, the psychologists are on your side and don’t demand any changes from you. The kids are ultimately sacrificed. Too bad because theya re the future.

Step Families are such an extremely uncomfortable way to have to grow up. Dual Family households are just psychotic. P.S., about that term “Bio” parent, that’s pretty cold isn’t it? How would you like to live with a woman who calls your real Mom (who really does love you) a “Bio?”).

Just the fact that Step Mothers are taking over this blog when it’s a blog devoted to kids from Divorce shows the obnoxious, controlling selfish side of women. I’m close to turning off the comments because you guys never show any respect or compassion for others in your lives.

Comment by toothless

Are you a stepmom? Are you even a mom at all? Have you ever heard the saying don’t judge a person until you walk mile in there shoes. I have been a stepmom to two daughters from a young age and I have had very good success with one but the other one has been and continues to be a challenge for everyone including her devoted father and her natural mother. She has been diagnosed as narcissistic, borderline and bipolar. She refuses to stay on meds, she is manipulative and doesn’t care who she hurts inorder to get her way. Her dad is so afraid of her rages that he gives in to her constantly. One only gets along with her by giving in to her every whim and believe me there are many. When you have to say no, there is hell to pay from her and her father. No physical abuse from him only mental and emotional. She can and has been physically abusive to me and many others. Do you still think only stepmoms are evil then I think you need to meet a narcissistic, borderline, bipolar stepdaughter and let’s see how you do. My votes on her.

Comment by Sharon

Thank you for sharing your comment, Sharon. I don’t say that Step-Mothers are evil although I think you are an idiot for blaming me for your problems, maybe a little evil?Blame it on me. List off those psychiatric diagnoses and hope a pill will fix it.

I’m sorry that you married into a difficult situation thinking you could control the whole thing. That was stupid on your part and nobody likes to feel stupid. So, blame it on the kid. You should have gone into counseling with the whole family before getting married to see if everyone was on the up and up with the situation. Your husband probably gives in to everybody, he’s probably just one of those types of guys. You probably married him so that you could push him around. I’m sorry that you have to share your life with a mentally ill person in your house who you call evil. How convenient that the evil one in this case is a child who you have authority over. (That’s always sick).

Mental illness is often thought to be genetic. So I wonder which of the girl’s parents passed on her traits to her. That’s odd since you seem to fob off the list of the guilty step-daughter’s. Could the father possibly have left the mother because she was mentally ill as well? Did the daughter have to stay in the house with the Mother so that she was possibly exposed to this extremely harmful behavior without any true parental support coming from anyone else? It’s very unfortunate that kids are expected to live in unhealthy situations like the one you have created for “your” kids but that’s how it is.

It would be good common sense to accept the fact that a major stressor like Divorce is very harmful for a mentally ill child. Being raised by a committee of outsiders who have already admitted that they don’t like each other and don’t get along is rather stressful. Be glad you have one cooperative step-daughter and don’t be surprised if she has problems later on once the crazy one gets her act together.

I truly hope that you don’t get killed. But, from what I’ve seen, the biological mothers seem much more in danger of getting killed by their kids than the step-mothers. Too bad that your kid’s psychiatrist doesn’t do a few more studies about these situations so that they know who to “pill” in the future. I hope the brat gets her shit together soon. I was raised by a Bipolar woman, I know what it’s like to live with one so I actually feel very bad for you (if that is an accurate diagnosis).

You might try getting a second and third opinion since the psychiatrist you are seeing isn’t working. They have to establish a relationship with the kid and get their trust and trust is 10x more difficult for kids from divorce for reasons that I think ought to be blatantly obvious. I really do wish your “family” well.

Comment by toothless

are you toothless because someone punched you in the mouth? Just guessing…

Comment by Ellen Thomas

No, Ellen Thomas, I am “toothless” because the God Damned Orthodontist was going through a divorce when I was growing up and was so preoccupied that he left the headgear bands on my two back molars too long (10 years) so that they became brittle and broke. The 2nd Root Canal cracked my tooth beyond repair because it was weak from having so much work done on it.

Comment by toothless

If you speak to stepfathers, they experience the same issues as stepmothers. It is not just women who experience these difficulties. If you attend counselling sessions with other step families or step parents, read books and research the subject in order to try to make the best of a difficult situation, you will discover that the same issues occur and the same problems are discussed time & time again. “Blending” new families together takes years of hard work from the entire family, not just the kids and not just the parents. It includes extended family being supportive as well. During those times, heartbreak arises for everyone involved, usually on a day-to-day basis and hopefully, each family member can maintain some semblance of dignity and pride without completely losing themselves to the day to day difficulties. Most step mothers & step fathers make every effort to do what is best for the child involved and even though that child is not of their blood, they are put first before the step parent because they need to be taken care of. But please understand that the step parent is human as well and usually gets rejected for just trying to be a friend and for taking care of that child like they are of their own blood. When the step parent is rejected for years on end and not even given the smallest of courtesies that the children would provide to a stranger on the street, you must agree that would cause some pain. It is NOT acceptable for either the step parent or the child to treat each other unkindly and/or be manipulative in purpose in order to make each others lives miserable. It is not acceptable to lie in order to get your way. It is not acceptable for people, young & old to not take responbility for their actions. That is part of parenting. It takes at least four years for a new family to start to accept and learn to live with each other but everyone needs to make an effort and everyone is responsible. If you truly love your Mother or Father and you truly love your spouse, you will want to make the effort in order for them to be happy.

Comment by AD

Thank you for your thoughtful response, AD. Most kids can’t even make their two birth parents happy, let alone a stranger. These kids have an extra burden.

I think that any adult who enters this relationship and expects to make it work by forcing a kid to give up his childhood for 4 years of therapy just to make the family work is nuts. Kids are supposed to play. If they work they are supposed to do chores, not go to therapy. Crap. The kid already has another family somewhere else as it is. Is he/she supposed to be doing 4 years of therapy over there as well? Is it really the kids’ fault if the parents are chronically miserable?

As for rejection, the child has already lived through a divorce. As a 3 year old or 8 year old or 12 year old, he/she has watched one parent reject the other parent, a part of relationship that is well beyond his years. So get over yourself and stop whining. It’s natural with that experience to turn around and to reject someone whose presence annoys him.

Yes, manners are important but if you read the responses on this blog you will see who the kids are learning the bad manners from. Respect is a very important thing, but the child’s welfare and happiness have already been so compromised for his unhappy parents that I can see when there is a lack of respect. Kids from Divorced families who are “reasonable” and stay silent often develop very insidious ways of getting what they want. It’s probably healthier if they show a little hostility as long as it is dealt with intelligently, and I have no hope of that from what I’ve seen here in the comments sections and have experienced in my own life.

The idea of Respect in Divorced families and especially in step-families can’t be the old typical model from an intact family. I think that people who are from divorce know this and have fewer problems with step-children than people from the old, normal style family. They naturally know to walk on eggshells with people. The children are not being respected, they are living split lives and are taking the blame for parents who probably just are miserable in all relationships.

Most step-parents decide to be “a force that has to be reckoned with.” If the other parent feels rejected or jealous of this parent the kid is going to fight, or internalize and let it out later. The people commenting on these posts here are very self absorbed and seem to be completely unaware of what the kids are going through. They are insensitive to the whole situation. It doesn’t matter if everyone is polite if the kid is having to live torn apart inside.

I agree that step fathers go through the same thing, I’ve said that elsewhere. I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I don’t think that all step-parents are bad. A few are an excellent influence for their step-children. Most, almost all, step-family situations are uncomfortable and never develop beyond that.

Comment by toothless

You are correct Toothless, stepfamily situations are uncomfortable for all involved. I hope the best for everyone who goes onto this site.

Comment by AD

My dad’s current wife was the “other woman” who virtually lobbied for my parents’ divorce. Amusing really.

I hated her at first but then I tried to understand that perhaps they fell in love and what can you do if that’s the case? But for some reason she hates me with a passion. It’s not as if I’m trying to steal her or her daughter’s limelight or whatever if that’s what she cares about. She has persuaded my dad that his kids don’t need him and he has missed every birthday and every Christmas since I was barely 16. I heard her say this and because I’ve realised that my dad is spineless she can have him.

I act civilly towards her but I don’t respect her. Thanks to her I’ve also had to put myself through university/college for the last 4 years. I now also understand that she’s a mercenary and is chasing like a dog after my inheritance.

I think there are some step-parents out there who just don’t care enough to understand their step-kids. It’s not about giving them gifts, baking them cookies, taking them to the footy, etc. It’s more about understanding that their hearts have been ripped out and now they’re expected to shove it back in and go on smiling like everything’s ok. If the “adults” of the two families act worse than animals, then we’re going to treat them as such.

Comment by Kay

Thanks for your comment, Kay. I guess I used to find the behavior “amusing” as well. There’s nothing else you can do. They take advantage of that passive behavior though.

From what I’m seeing on the comments on this blog and in real life, step-parenting really brings out one’s tendency to be a Bully. They don’t just pick on the kids, they pick on the spouse’s ex. I guess if you have that many people to pick on in your immediate life you don’t ever have to look at yourself.

“Mercenary” is the right word. One member of my step-family has actually edited a scholarly book on the technology of war. Sorry you have to deal with this. Thanks for your story.

Comment by toothless

I have been a stepmother for eight years, since she was eight, my husband and i have four kids of our own also.I find it the most difficult task in the world, no matter what you do it is always wrong. My husband is a fantastic father but we are at the point of him moving out with his daughter, this is really affecting me and my children but we do not see any way out of the situation. I understand that he cannot abonden his daughter as her mother is to ill to care for her. i think the article is unfair, this child will find every reason to fault me and run me down along with my parenting skills. She goes crazy if i don’t remove the other kids from her. i don’t know what to do.

Comment by siobhan

It sounds like that kid has twice as many problems as you do, but you’re the one who’s on here complaining. She’s 16. I don’t know what her story is. Kids at that age from normal families are usually a problem no matter what. If they’re not acting like jerks then it is a sign that something is wrong. The family is supposed to be stable so that they can get this out of their system and then separate.

It sounds like she’s prioritizing her life because there’s just too much to think about. It sounds like she’s growing up in Hell, in two different Hells at once. If her mother is ill (you don’t say what kind of ill) then she needs help with that. Real help which she doesn’t have because her Father left her to deal with it on her own.

I’ve thought of a couple of possible solutions and remember I haven’t got a clue what the real situation is.

For one. The kid is a total outcast and freak in that family situation so … give her art lessons, theater, music, sports. Some kind of diversion and expression outside of the family b.s. but something which is positive and healthy, like what real parents guide their kids to do. Filmmaking? anything. She can’t accept you and yours because she hasn’t been accepted herself. What is she good at? What does she want out of life other than mean selfish family crap. Maybe even a job.

For two. If she is close with any of her Grandparents can she live with them? This isn’t a scientific study or anything but I’ve noticed that the successful children of D. often have a prominent Grandparent in their life who can provide some kind of rootedness. Look at Barack Obama. His Mother married some clown in Indonesia. The situation must have been bad and Obama got out of there and moved in with his Grandparents. I think it would be best if the grandparents offered the help. And if they’re as silly as the rest of you, forget it.

For three. She needs to stay off drugs, not get pregnant, not commit suicide and plan to go to college so she can have a future. Her parents need to prioritize that for her. Since her childhood sucks it may take her longer than other kids but at her age, that’s what she needs to do. She’s probably too ashamed of herself to have real friends so I wouldn’t push it.

For four. This isn’t the Brady Bunch. Grow up, Jan.

Comment by toothless

Im a 16 male and my stepmom hates me wen my dads around shes such a [unmentionable word] too but not wen hes not around then shes nice why are stepmoms such 2 faced [unmentionable word again] hypocrit bitchs

Comment by Matt

Hi Matt, sorry, I censored your message. But thanks for sharing. My step-mother did the same thing. Do you think your Father is aware of the games?

Comment by toothless

Thank you!

Comment by toothless

Everyone’s situation is different! People shouldn’t point the finger at the stepmom and blame her. My step-daughter had an Oedipal complex (which my fiance’s mom pointed out !!!!) and couldn’t deal with anyone taking her father’s attention away from her- even my two sons. She was very manipulative, jealous, and sneaky and almost destroyed our relationship. Her other two sisters were “normal”, fun and loving and supportive of our relationship. Be careful before you blame the “evil wicked step moms”.

Comment by Susan

Thanks Susan. What you’re saying here is that StepFamilies are all about the Children supporting the Parents, not the Parents supporting the Children. Bravo! That’s exactly what I’m saying. I suppose that you got rid of the kid, so in the end who wins for being most manipulative?

Comment by toothless

Forgot to mention I endured three very difficult years with this child (age 9 – 12)! I hated it when someone would try to blame her problems on hormones. What a copout. The same person would say women could never become president because of their period. Brilliant.

Comment by Susan

Toothless, I feel terrible as I think you have had a raw deal coming from a divorced situation. I am a mom and a step mom. One to my daughter who is 8 and to another 8 year old who is my husbands. I’m telling you, the past 6 years has been extremely difficult for me. My daughter’s father and I get along very well which in turn has made my daughter a normal adjusted little girl. My step daughter and I started that way. Until she started telling her bio mom how much she loved me. Over time (the past 2 in particular) her mother has broken down this relationship which I hear is quite common. My step daughter now is in therapy and medication for anxiety and OCD. Her mother calls me names and says “you would rather be with mommy than daddy right?”. She’ll write manipulative notes and put them in her pockets or when we leave for trips. She emails her 8 year old 8-10 times a day with photos of herself and her friends. We are talking about a 35 year old woman here. She remarried wealthy yet puts her biodaughter in daycare and summer camps. When she does have her she pawns her off on neighbors and family disguised as playdates and wanting to me the mother hero in getting her to spend time with family. She bought her a mac laptop, a mink coat, a cell phone, ipod, a Louis Vuitton purse…yes all before she reached her 9th birthday. This little girl now writes how much she hates me and wants to get rid of me. She tortures my daughter and whispers in her ear that she wants to make her cry. She is 8 YEARS OLD and doing this. So be careful how hard you are on stepmoms. Especially those of us who have stuck around in very harsh conditions. I now have to protect my own daughter and don’t know if I should stay. Not because I’m selfish or because I want to whine, I want my heart to stop beating 100 beats per minute and I want my daughter to enjoy her home with her mother, not just her father. As a step mom, I do so much. I have contributed to this household financially, emotionally and physically more than most I know. So to hear your perspective on step mothers is hurtful, because your experience doesn’t speak to us all.

Comment by Respectfully Disagree

I think you are a bit over the top and I am sorry I even gave my two cents. You have no idea what you are talking about. I am certainly not jealous of money espcially since I have more money than she has. I just have more class. My daughter also goes between house and trust me, is not an issue. I wish she was so we can find some treatment for my stepstaughter as to why she will probably be that 11 year old in the article you posted. I am far from perfect, but I will not be a victim. You profess to know it all and you know very little. I didn’t move in with my husband and his daughter until after 4 years of nurturing all the relationships. We put her through nothing. You know me as much as you know why you are so angry. You don’t know that despite my own turmoils, I have been the strength in this little girls life. When she wants me to take her clothes shopping or trick or treating or anything I think her mother should be doing, I gently tell her that these are the things she should do with her mom and ask her first. When her mother is jet setting around the world, I’m the one caring for her day after day. Joyfully. There is no jealousy here. She is a spoiled child. You are an idiot if you think I’m going to let a 5, 6, 7, or 8 year old out in public with a $1,000 purse or cell phone only to subject her to mockery or theft. The bottom line, you have a lot of hate within you and can’t see what others go through. Shame on you. Like your friend whose mother wrongly institutionalized him, I hope you don’t have children or stepchildren until you learn some hard lessons. Because they’ll end of there. You show extreme selfishness and judgement.

Comment by Respectfully Disagree

“Respectfully” your messages are coming from 2 different IP addresses so you may not even be only one person and I’m aware of that.

So, I’m “hateful” because I’m agreeing with you about how awful your situation is? You, my dear, are the idiot. You need to go into therapy with the Mother and your husband to resolve how this brat is going to be raised. It’s unrealistic to say that you and your daughter are perfect. It’s normal that one member of a dysfunctional family acts out on behalf of all the others. Or she may just be the problem child. In my family that was my brother and my Mother took tons of extra time with him to get him on track. In divorced families this can’t happen because the parents are intolerant of anything that goes wrong in a relationship, that’s very likely why they’re divorced in the first place. This is basically the girl’s parents responsibility and if you can’t stand it then it is also your responsibility. The problem here is your relationship with the girl’s Mother. Your step daughter has to defend herself against you and your daughter and probably against her Mother. Being a little Stepford Mom and driving her around to her little gigs isn’t going to do the trick apparently. And the kid can’t resolve this crap on her own.

You are right. I don’t know you. I do know that you’ve had at least one failed marriage so when you profess to know it all you are full of bull. But, hey, give yourself credit. You are even more materialistic and snotty than the girl’s mom.

That 11 year old in the article was a boy. Boys, from what I’ve seen from the comments on this blog are never tortured by their step-mothers on the Internet the way that Step-Mothers consistently rip apart their stepdaughters. There are no catty, manipulation games, just extreme abuse from step-parents. As boys, they hold it in and explode. Your little brat is at least openly expressing a need for help. You’ve obviously forgotten who the 8 year old is in this scenario.

I’m sorry that you walked into a bad mess. Apparently you are short sighted. I never would have taken that on. The one relationship I had with another guy who had a kid there wasn’t much of a problem with the child but all the adults involved were from divorce in the first place and were constantly discussing the situation from that point of view.

This blog doesn’t pretend that these situations don’t exist. It also sides on behalf of the kid’s point of view. Sorry you made a mistake and put the wrong gene pool together in your house. Therapy won’t help this kid but you can try. She needs a loving family. And, of course, you guys never hold your husbands accountable for anything… Why the Hell is that? You’re invading blogs and insulting anyone who disagrees with your view of your own perfection.

You’re right. I show selfishness and judgment. Learned the hard way. If you read over your comments, though, you will see that in yourself. You refuse to accept that this child’s life is more difficult than yours. I have no idea if it’s because you’re narcissistic or just ignorant.

Comment by toothless

There is a wealth of evidence out there to support the ‘cinderella syndrome’ where one child (usually eldest of one of the two families)is scapegoated. The reasons appear to be evolutionary. We instinctively want our own offspring to succeed. Which can unfortunatly, lead to confusion and conflicting emotions (for the parents). It is much easier to blame a child as they dont have the reasoning to say what they ACTUALLY feel and fear. They dont know the words.
But abandonment is a fairly emotive and self explanatory term. when two families collide the sad truth is, there has already been an abandonment somewhere.
Even sadder is that the sense of being ‘left behind'(as i saw it) or being ‘ill at ease’ ‘manipulative’ and ‘troublesome/difficult’. as i believe my stepmother and eventually father saw it. Has stayed with me forever. i DO now seek to stay out of the world around me. Scarily I was 28 before I was able to accept and see that I haven’t always been ‘difficult’. In fact I became difficult after having been described as such by SM in jokes and sarcasm and not so pleasant verbal attacks. At the time EVERYONE thought i deserved it . ESPECIALLY me. Now I see a woman in her 30s who moved into my house and spoke to everyone about how horrid I was. I was 11.I opened up to her about missing my dead mum. She turned it into an act of sabotage against the ‘relationship’.
But her best trick was her telling everyone ‘that girl hates me’. I didnt. I blamed ME. but the effect was devastating. very quickly US and THEM happened in our house. you were with my sm or against her.
but i never got to pick a side. as i had been turned into ‘them’ by SM.
All for love and romance!!
think of the damn kids

Comment by lil.mishap

http://www.ehow.com/how_4758529_good-stepparent.html this is how the GF was. Spot the difference

Comment by lil.mishap

I empathize with stepmoms who genuinely care about the family they are joining…truly want to be accepted, and are met with rejection by the kids. I can see how under those circumstances, the stepmom would feel like such an outsider. But that is not what happened in my family…..

My dad hooked up with the “other woman”, aka: young and needy girl only thinking of how to meet her needs. She never had kids and never wanted them. She just wants my dad. Period. The longer they are together, the less and less I hear from him. It’s very sad. I have to take all my feelings about this to a therapist because if I bring it up to my dad, he will then tell her. And once she knows, I get “Do you need medication? Do you have a mental problem?” I am constantly told things like “We would love to see you, but gosh there just isn’t enough time”. Then I find out about trips to tropical vacation spots that they took together. I know I need to forgive, but the truth is I think she’s a selfish jerk, and my dad is too. I pray God will change my heart and give me a level of tolerance that I do not possess on my own.

Comment by Kim

Hello “Stepmoms are EVIL” and “JP”

Thank you very much for your comments. I’m sorry that you’ve had such terrible experiences with your step-mothers. Trust me, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, your language and threats aren’t publishable. If you’d be willing to re-post your comments and opinions and experiences I will be glad to publish them. Otherwise, you just sound like all the Step-Parents who are posting on the forum. I’m wishing you the best. Please seek out good lives for yourselves (and go to College).

Comment by toothless

Why on earth are there so many comments attacking the blog owner for writing a post, which criticizes step-parents and doesn’t go in depth about the good step-parents out there? This post is, after all, categorized under “Bad step-parent stories” so inevitably (and logically) anyone who reads it won’t find pleasant things written about “bad” step-parents. The blog owner does have a “Good step-parent stories” which is easily accessible, and hopefully not inundated with short-sighted comments from “bad” step-children.

For what it’s worth for any step-parents who come across this blog/post (since I assume the majority of visitors are step-parents, but please correct me if I’m wrong), just as there are step-families that work well there are those that are disastrous. Just as there are fantastic step-parents who care about their kids (“their” meaning biological or otherwise), there are those who do not. You may a good step-parent, one who tries really hard, etc so the original post will no doubt come across as hurtful, but remember it’s directed at bad step-parents.

Even so, the comments from the self-professed good step-parents raised some common themes which are disappointing:

– “My” kid v “his/her” kid: when you become a family (whether you’re married or otherwise), why does this distinction still persist (even if it’s just subconscious thing)? Pretend to be a child of divorce; you feel alienated from your parents and in some cases, your siblings and now you’re being made to feel alienated from this new family you’ve been thrust into. There is no way you would not rebel or exhibit some kind of hostility.

– Mother/father and step-parent(s) disputes: amicable divorces are ideal, but in reality how many divorces are truly amicable? The very nature of a divorce is in direct opposition to this ideal.

Some mothers/fathers do try to break up their ex-partner’s new family. It’s malicious, but it does happen due to the residual ill-will between the two parties. The only and most effective way to achieve this is to use the children. Methods include making nasty and unfounded comments about the child’s step-parent, blaming the divorce and other marital problems on the step-parent in front of the child, etc. The kids will therefore act in a way to hurt the step-parent, make functioning as a new family difficult, etc. As a step-parent, you may feel hurt, you will try and you might fail to patch things up, etc. So you could stick to your guns, figure out what is wrong, deal with it and help the poor kid. Or you could decide it’s too hard and move on.

It’s really easy to say how nasty or spoilt your stepchild is, but think about where they’re coming from. Divorces can get ugly (before, during and after), and some downright dirty. Your stepchild has most likely been through a lot (sometimes more than you will ever in your entire existence comprehend) and will, if he or she is unlucky enough, look forward to more in the future. Your stepchild may be a pawn for their parents to vent their anger and hostilities. So take it out on the parents, not the stepchild. Like I said, help the poor kid – he/she can’t do it on their own and you actually have the power to do something about it. Sure, frustrated step-parents may feel helpless dealing with these sorts of situations, but think how helpless your stepchild feels? Be patient, be understanding and acknowledge that the road is in no way going to be an easy one. It’s going to be tough and you’re going to have to cop a lot of flack, so if you don’t think you can handle it get out. Don’t take your frustration out on your kids.

Sorry for this very long post, but it disappoints me to hear some step-parents say how hard they trying, when in fact they are not really trying at all. As I said “some”.

Comment by Visitor

Thank you for this comment. Your words are very well said.

Step-parents who talk like this about their step-children are abusive people and are not good step-parents. The thing that scares me is that their attitudes are expressed by the psychological and psychiatric communities who are very much in denial about step-childrens’ lives. Divorce is an “event” for a parent. It is an extreme and usually traumatic event for the child whose family is permanently torn apart. Nobody really notices this except, it seems, for police detectives who immediately blame the step-parent if anything goes wrong in a family.

Thanks again for your contribution. This subject has been an extremely draining aspect of keeping this blog. I really had no idea how prevalent this problem is before I started writing this. I am aware of the huge population of children who are living in these situations and I feel completely powerless to help them. I think, also, that there is a very high level of alcohol and drug use in step-families. The tension brings out everyone’s sociopathic side.

Comment by toothless

What is up with men give up everything one thing to raise your step children do the best can and than grow up and bring their children in for you raise and call us bad moms still causing promblems or they jealous I have four stepdaughters when does it stop I love my husband when he hollars at me for asking a grown child to help with their children and the house something is wrong and hurtful

Comment by laurie g


Comment by toothless

I think the previous comment is about is the anger the original parents bring into the new relationship. In my experience both parents hated each other and wanted to move on but wanted to show each other up and were very angry about their failed marriage. It is not something to be proud of and this is then transferred onto the new members in my case whom I had thought the previous people would want to move on and find happiness however the relationship just didn’t ever seem to end because they are both parents of the children for many years to come. Ultimately the frustration gets to you and you get really tired of being screamed at by your new partner, the absent parent and blackmailed by the child because they can go back to the mother and say whatever they like and know the step parent will cop the blame. This would happen to me after every visit even when i thought we had had a great weekend. The mother would phone and abuse me for being there!

Comment by blinded

Wow! I am a stepmother – my husband’s two girls live full-time with us. They are 7 and 9. Honestly, I can say that I don’t have any problems with the kids. We all like each other and get along pretty much all of the time – like 99% of the time. They listen to me, I listen to them. Their mom is not too involved with them – and that is hard for them. I wish that part was different – for their sakes.

It is really, really hard to be a stepmother – I am lucky to have good support from my family and well, I am lucky that the girls know I care about them and want them to be happy, well-adjusted, and successful young people. They – for as young as they are – appreciate and understand that I want them to be happy. They know that I “have their back.”

Blended families – well, they don’t work out all of the time. But, ours is. With a lot of work, lots of forgiveness and LOTS of stability. The more hugs and positive attention you can give the little ones, the better they behave. Works out for all parties involved.

The kids are reeling from the divorce – whether it happened one year ago or eight years ago. The best thing a stepmother can do is be a neutral – and I mean NEUTRAL – sounding board for the child. Help the child cope by just being there. It means everything to them to have a solid, kind adult who won’t leave them.

You don’t have to be a biological parent to have a good influence on a child. And it is wonderful to see them learn and grow and become good people – and know you had something to do with it.

Believe me, it is a really hard road for me, but luckily, I can cope by having a glass of wine with my girlfriends – the kid can’t!

Comment by Jill

i am a step mother to a girl 5years old now! ihave known her since her dad moved in with me and my two girls..she was just about 1- the poor girl. it started out ok then went very bad i was full of jealousy, looking back the father left her in my care while he went drinking all the time and i pretty much took it out on her while her dad was around. wehn he was gone i would treasure her but wen he came home i pretty much cut myself out, so that dad coud have time with her and be a proper father. i must say i have come a VERY long way from that person. i pray to God all the time in regards to my relationship with stepdaughter. he has givn me the courage to hold and kiss her, to love her basically. without his help i would be a typical evil stepmother. i suggest to step parents full of these negative feelings to treat them, as they would want their own kids treated if they happend to have step parents..just imagine it and you will gt it. also pray for guidance understanding love and strength to implement your desires into action. its hard but can be overcome!

Comment by shaz

My 17 year old stepdaughter’s mother stands behind me (the wicked stepmother) and tells her daughter she is spoiled rotten. I simply follow a few simple steps to try to live happily each day with the narcissistic brat that I had no part in creating: 1) look at her forehead when she speaks and think about other things, nod occasionally 2) research and try to learn from other’s advice and mistakes (hence I am on this blog getting a kick out of the author’s hate issues) 3) don’t give her anything more than she needs 4) withhold praises even though there are things I’d like to tell her because no one could possible be more proud of her than SHE is 5) withhold criticism regardless of how constructive because it sends her into a manic state of self-pity 6) I remind myself that she is about to enter the humbling “real world” in about a year and 7) hope I can refrain from finding any joy in those many, many inevitable instances when she gets the snowballs of life pelting her in the face.

I could not care less if anything thinks I’m jealous or resentful of my husband’s daughter. She’s a jerk – I didn’t create her issues, I just have to live with it because I love her father. I had 3 stepmothers when I was growing up and would have given anything if one of them cared about me and was as good to me as I *used to be* to her. Now, I am just neutral and have as little interaction with her as possible because that is the only way to be fair to myself.

Comment by Michele

You call yourself neutral? Bah. You are just judgmental and critical and disinterested. (which is the best way for a step-parent to be in my opinion, but it still sucks if you want everyone to get along and be a happy 1950s family — which is already impossible for the kids because there’s a divorce). The girl’s parents obviously suck as parents. Probably they were so self-absorbed with their own problems while she was growing up that she had to raise herself. What age was she when the parents’ split? This would be great information to have for my research.

And so I’m hateful? That’s the general reaction when stepparents and divorced parents see someone who speaks out on their kids’ behalf.

Comment by toothless

Toothless your lack of empathy towards these women who are clearly affected is true of any grown up step child I have encountered. I don’t think many families recover from this scenario however their are many problems in children from parents whom have stayed together some I can think of relate to being very insular, bored and lack of ambition. It is hard to let the past go particularly when it is to benefit the other party when they clearly worked hard to deprive you of happy times when it suited them. No one would enter into this knowingly and as an innocent you have no idea of how vindictive these people are to the end, mother in laws, ex wives……none of us I am sure would bring this on out of choice……..

Comment by blinded

I have been on both sides of this. My mother and father divorced when I was 2 and had to bounce from house to house. I was a daddy’s girl. My stepmom couldn’t stand the attention I would receive when I was there to the point where I didn’t even want to go. My mother also talked horrible about her and vice versa my stepmom would speak horribly about my mother. When you are a 5 yr old girl you do stand my your “real” mom, c’mon thats your mom! I was only with my dad and stepmom 4 nights every month. I then went through my teenage yrs despises my stepmother because I felt like she took my daddy away. I’m 26 yrs old now and me and my stepmother get along great, we both have made amends for the way we both acted growing up and know we were both to blame in the way things turned out. She loves my daughter likes she’s her own grandbaby and the relationship is great now.

Now from the other view – I am now in my first and only marriage. I do have a child from a previous relationship, and he has 2. He has a 10 yr old boy that we have full custody of – I’m actually in the process of adopting him. He has a 4 yr old girl from his previous marriage. And I have my 3 yr old girl. His ex wife is a very controlling woman, sometimes will even call me to tell me how I should run my house. At the beginning of our relationship she would call my husband because she was remembering their sex lives etc. I do not care for this woman and probably never will. She has manipulated her daughter into thinking I am the only reason Her mommy and daddy don’t live together. I did not meet my husband until 2 years after their divorce. So my stepdaughter won’t even give me a chance. I try to hug her and to kiss her – tell her I love her and she just shuts me out. I don’t want to be the bad step-parent, but she is trying to put a rift in our relationship. My husband usually stands ground with me. What do I do in this situation? To be honest I’m about ready to give up.

Comment by Heather

I am a step-mom to a girl since she was 8 years old. It has never been easy although we did have a few great moments. It is a very very tough job! Society hates you, her mom hates you, she is used to having her father to herself when she is over. It is difficult. But I agree that children are not evil and we must refrain from whining about a life we chose.

Tonight, I was sorting through her stuff, organizing her for college, and I found an old letter addressed to her dad about how much she doesn’t like me and how she only wants to spend time with her dad. It did not hurt, but it reminded me of the terrible position she was in and how much her dad screwed up in dealing with his daughter when she was over. He did not clean, cook for her, buy her clothes, etc. I did. I think that the biological parents need to take responsibility. Fathers tend to throw those responsibilities on their new partners/wives. This just adds fuel to the fire.

Comment by K2bogart

I am a step daughter and had a nasty manipulative step mother who bullied me.

I also had a recent opportunity to start a relationship with guy who has a little girl.  He is her sole guardian.  Needless to say she is defensive/protective & reluctant to share her father, but because i’ve been there i understand why – its because there is a genuine threat to her wellbeing and development.

My conclusion: a persons childhood & teenagers years are very important formative years, and they should not be messed with by an intruder who cares more about their own needs than the childs. In my oppinion, find someone without children or wait till the children are past those crucial years. The cost to an adult of a lost relationship is far less than the cost to the child whose whole life can be negatively impacted by a step mother whose interests conflict with the childs. As adults it is duty to protect the young!

Comment by Sam

Haha yes all adults with children should never be allowed to experience any adult relationships because they have had a child. Very unrealistic values. You didn’t mention if you fell in love with this man you met with a child? Clearly you hadn’t or you would have gone in blindly thinking all is good in the world…….

Comment by blinded

This is exactly right! Thank you!
The natural cycle is…(short version)
Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love (here is the part where they are insepreable and devoted and nothing else matters) they get married (still in love but a little calmer), then they have children (this is where their capacity to love grows to include someone else, while still loving eachother but devoting what once was “couple time” to “family time”), then as the child grows it takes it’s proper, and rightfull, position as (usually) the most important person in the family. This is how normal families (and children) progress. Kids from these families (baring other issues, mental issues, abuse, etc..) grow up to be well adjusted adults. Now you add a divorce and a new husband/wife and the time line is all screwed up. Now at the time when the child should rightfully be the most important, there is a new woman (sorry ladies but it’s usually the women not the men) who wan’t all the attention one gets when in a new relationship, essentially displacing the attention that a child should get. And we wonder why there is anger from stepdaughters, in all technical sense the stepmother IS “ruining their life” as a typical kid might say, because they will not grow up to be the same person they would have if they had gotten the propper and expected amount of attention. I agree, just wait or find someone else. Your prince charming has already thought he found his “sole mate” with this childs mother, I’m sure you can find someone else who doesn’t have a child who’s life you will surly ruin!!!!!

Comment by Joe

Toothless- you should think about how you can assist everyone to understand what it is they are supposed to do to remedy lives that have somehow come to be shared by common links including marriage and resistance.
If only……….one day when you really want your family to be at peace you can remember the resistance you showed when the adults tried to remedy the loneliness they felt from a shattered marriage. Adults don’t know what difficulties they will face when they enter into these scenarios. Counselling isn’t usually considered because everyone thinks that as things settle down they will get better. You go through good periods but ultimately the mother of any child is their first love and it is the child’s right in life to love their mother. The father is seen as the provider in a court of law and possessions are like prizes, some thinking the more they have the more the vote is cast their way. I just wanted to be loved and for my husbands family to love my family. Step parents and children are all in it together however neither are to blame, initially the parents of the step children have caused the situation and seem to be cast out forever as well. Maybe we should all give each other a break. No one is perfect but we all deserve some peace and light and should learn to live without feeling affected. There are many worse off than ourselves. We should learn to be considerate and tolerant and be happy not to receive any gratitude but to be grateful for the company we share. Often too late we realise things could have been said better and women do tend to loose the plot. Let go of all this and enjoy your life because life is short.
Learn by your parents mistakes and if you really can’t move on then try and push yourself by studying, exercising and enjoying things you like to do. I hope things get better for you and I am truly sorry I have had to experience being a step parent as I thought I was helping my husband but the abuse has been mind boggling and the dynamics almost unbearable at times.

Comment by blinded

Wow this is an interesting site. I truly loved being a parent to my husband’s children. For years I felt we had awesome relationships; then one day, one of his adult daughters accused me of a crime. Long story short, I was convicted and spent three years incarcerated. All because this young woman has resented me for 10 years. She never showed that resentment when I was raising her after her father became disabled and could no longer work. Now both of his children will not speak to him or me. Weddings, childbirth and other momentous events are heard through the grapevine or social media. I guess they are punishing me, but their father is the one suffering. They gave him an ultimatum them or me. I am grateful that he chose me, but why should he have to choose?
I love them as if I had given birth to them, I am proud of their accomplishments, and the milestones I assisted them to achieve. I will continue to wait to hear news of their triumphs and challenges.
leave them alone they will come home… Bo Peep

Comment by Lily Crab

Why did you go to jail?

Comment by wristwatch

That really is sick

Comment by Emma

A very good article in Psychology Today, should shed some light…

Comment by SisterPatience

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