Spoiled Children of Divorce

Indifferent Parents
December 28, 2007, 9:52 pm
Filed under: Bad Step-Parent Stories, indifferent parents, Uncategorized

Once I read a philosopher, cant’ remember who, maybe Martin Buber?, who said that if he had to choose which kind of God is the worst he wouldn’t choose an Evil God but rather an indifferent God as the worst type. An Evil God will give a person something to work against, at least.  An indifferent God simply doesn’t give a shit, there’s no relationship really, thinking about God at all is pointless.

When you’re a kid you think your parent is a God. Or at least I did. Well, my Father’s ego was humungous and my Mother was Manic so they sort of insisted on this. But, I think that this might be the worst part about growing up in divorce. You have to remain indifferent a whole lot of the time in order to keep the peace. I remember my Mother telling me over and over again that I had no feelings. I was completely switched off.  To be otherwise would just provoke a situation.

On the stepparenting forums that I was reading last week the stepparents were discussing how evil their stepchildren are. This, of course, is a projection, fear that because they don’t love these kids that there’s something wrong with the kids. But I think what they are really surprised at is that they simply don’t feel anything for the kids. The kids are not theirs. But they are kids so they are needy and nothing’s more revolting than a needy person. Trust me, I had a needy stepmother, they’re disgusting.  At any rate, I’ve never personally befriended a person who came from a bad step-parent situation.  Most of my friends simply don’t discuss their stepparents as being anything other than “Dad’s new girlfriend” or “Mom’s 7th husband.”

Truth is, a kid will love his parents pretty much all the time and will take all kinds of crap from them when young. And if the step-parent just acts like “Dad’s Wife” or “Mom’s new boyfriend” probably the kid will feel close to nothing for that person. And this is good.  This is desirable.  Stepparents who demand feelings are just totally impossible people. And sometimes there is a truly great bond between stepparent and child and usually these kids are really boast it like trained seals and leave the rest of us looking like whiny idiots. If one’s Mother has married into a better financial situation so that one’s life has improved over all on some level, often the kids won’t complain. I heard a speaker once who was absolutely hilarious. I can’t remember the topic, something about writing, the whole audience was in an uproar. And then she made the trained seal comment.  She just had to start bitching about how her step-siblings couldn’t accept her Mother even though they were all adults. She didn’t mention why they couldn’t accept the Mother. Maybe being discussed and laughed at behind their backs in an auditorium full of people was common behavior in the family which was the real turn-off for the stepkids. Either way, it was a conference for Women only so most were old twice and thrice divorced bossy, non-guilt feeling women who were aiming to write their life story. You could feel the ceiling lift with all the guilt that was being released.  I do remember thinking that this writer’s books had all the elements of a writer except something truly honest to write about. She was charming, all fat and happy from all those sardine rewards from always saying the right thing, and she knew how to make you hate people without really examining why.

There’s something else that never seems to be discussed with regards to this topic, Indifference. Often you hear about parents fighting over custody. But, you never hear about the families where the one parent who will take custody completely resents it. Many people are not really that into their kids especially if they have to do it alone.  Single parenting is no joke after all and divorces and dating are very distracting.

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