Spoiled Children of Divorce

One Parent, Two Parents, Three Parents, Four
February 7, 2008, 5:17 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

My first Notebook is completely filled up with names of Exemplary Children of Divorce and their birth dates.  Yayy!!.  Now it seems like too much information to sort through.  Still don’t have a balanced amount of “professionals” charts to look at.  The Entertainment Industry and Politics seems to be the areas that Children of D find success and that seems a bit distorted.

At any rate, I looked at a scribble I wrote down a while back about the different types of Divorces that are recognized in the psych industry, at least in something that I read.  There’s Angry Divorce, Distant Divorce, and Cooperative Divorce.  As usual I’m critical of these descriptions if being used to view the whole thing from the Kids’ Point of View.  The kid is probably happiest to have a cooperative divorce.  That would be my guess.  But, a cooperative parent, if a bag lady, is still a problem.  Of course, since the kids point of view is never looked at, the kids aren’t traumatized by divorce.

I guess because I’m looking more at the kids through Age at which their parents divorced I’m  aware of the differences in the reactions to that.  I’m also aware from looking at the widely publicized studies that place makes a big difference.  Judith Wallerstein’s research isn’t respected partly because she used kids from California (I think she also may not have used a control study).  This is going to bring out deception, insanity, financial problems, phoney behaviors which will be registered by psych community as Bipolar Disorder if reacted to.  The other studies research only 100-200 white kids from a middle class suburb somewhere in the Northeast.

What always strikes me when I talk to others from Divorce is the wide variety of relationships that kids have with their parents.

Most of the kids of my Generation lived with the Mother and saw the Father on the week-end.  The responsbility for the Mother’s happiness became an overwhelming burden and the Father was a Week-end outing.  I knew I was loved, it became a big deal to tell me that.  Unfortunately, I never believed it because of the behaviors that were going on.  The thing that struck me when I watched my parents die is how little I really meant to them.  It sort of became very clear that other areas of their lives had brought them a lot more fulfillment.  I never would have admitted that to myself when they were alive.  They certainly wouldn’t have said it.  But, really, calling your kid on Birthdays and inviting them for Christmas Hell is not significant.  My parents partied and drank and wheeled and dealed.  That was their life. I suppose I do have a united viewpoint of them until I moved out at Age 18 because they continued to fight.  Just a lot more adults were added into the mix through dates.

Other kids had Mothers who worked at lowly female paying types of jobs.  The Fathers disappeared and the same that always stands out is the fact that they don’t know if the parent is alive or dead.  There’s kind of that awful feeling that you see on TV of parents whose kids have been abducted.  The kids should maybe put out Amber Alerts for their parents, but everyone knows it wouldn’t be worth it.

Sometimes the Mother walks out, what was that Meryl Streep movie that came out a while ago?  Can’t remember.  Anyway, Meryl walks out on her young child and towards the end of the movie you forgive her. Anyway, I think the son gets AIDS and dies before you can forgive her so you’re really hating her before you forgive her.  I never remember movie plot lines right.  Damn, what was that movie called?

The kids who live one week with Mom and one week with Dad or some version of that.  What the fuck is this about?  That’s so nasty.  I was just in a Ross Dress for Less and saw all those little kiddie suitcases that are all decorated girlie.  I can imagine how a parent buys that for his/her kid thinking that this is a real fun thing to put the kid through.

The parents who live far apart or in the same town.  Because my parents all remained in close proximity I tend to think it would have been best if they had lived far apart.  I wouldn’t have had to give up my week-ends to go on my Father’s Date with his new wife and could have gone on a once a year trip to somewhere else.  I wouldn’t have been able to remember every detail of everything that was said and done under my Mother’s careful cross examinations.  But these stories about living in airports really doesn’t sound appealing either.  And generally the kids whose Fathers lived apart were completely rejected by their Fathers when they remarried.  One family I grew up with had a rich Father in computers who let all his kids grow up on Welfare with their artist mother.  When the Father got sick and was dying the stepmother called the one daughter up and asked her to come take care of her Father. In addition to having to live in the same house with that witch who treated her like a slave, having to take care of a Father who had betrayed her in every way, she had to feel guilt if she said no.

The kids who were raised by Grandparents.  I only know of one but I’ve been reading about them a lot.  The one I know really benefited from her Grandmother’s presence but was aware of how awful her Mother was from a young age.  Many of the success stories I’ve been reading about had the Grandparent intervention.

I dated a guy who spent 7 years of his childhood in Foster Homes.  Total story from Hell.  Both parents alcoholic.  The Father got his life together and remarried and he and his wife became a solid household.  The stepmother was a really sweet person.  The boyfriend’s Mother completely dropped out of his life.  He located her once living in a slum and visited her once.  A really unhappy story.  When the Mother died nobody thought to tell him.  His Sister just wrote the news casually into her Christmas card as if she were talking about the family dog or her daughter’s prom dress.

So these different types of households.  Are they ever discussed?  I mean, of course, I know that no one suffers any residual trauma from any of this, but…

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