Spoiled Children of Divorce

Wicked Step-Mothers and Wicked Step-Fathers
August 25, 2008, 10:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

There’s been a lot of activity on the posts I’ve made about Step-Parents.  The Step-Mothers are on the War Path.  That’s nothing unusual for anyone who grew up dealing with a step-family, but it fascinates me how these women can bitch and complain endlessly and yet never even think to question what went wrong with their situations.  The shallowness with which they live their lives is astonishing.  Women tend not to be problem solvers. And, I’ve often been shocked by how women in general assume that they are automatically loving and caring so I guess they take on these “parenting” roles without thinking much about the consequences.  (Hmm, maybe I’ll re-read the myth about Epimethius and Promethius again). Yet if one searches the Internet it doesn’t take much to find a hoard of step-parents bitching and complaining.  A couple are stalking this blog just for the fight. They don’t ask questions, they’re not curious, they’re just bitching.  And we all know that they’re marking off the Calendar until the kids’ 18th birthday when he/she/it can be kicked out.

What I’ve noticed is that Step-Mothers pick on their step-daughters.  They don’t pick on the Step-Sons.  They complain about how manipulative the step-daughters are.  They don’t realize that their behavior is the same manipulation.  I suppose that birth mothers will complain about manipulative daughters.  They just don’t get on to public forums and rant about it and if this is considered a problem it is blended in with other more personal characteristics and a feeling of basic devotion to the child.

There is never a complaint about the step-sons from these women.  This reflects a really interesting dynamic that is mirrored in fairy tales where there are endless stories about wicked step-mothers and none about wicked-step-fathers.  I’ve linked to quite a few memoirs and novels that are written by men about their abusive step-fathers.

I suppose that abusive step-fathers and abusive fathers act in pretty much the same way.  And abusive step-mothers and abusive mothers may not.  Don’t know, just a thought.

And, of course, there is the problem of the myth for the step-mothers that comes down from the fairy tales.  Women used to have a very young death rate due to child birthing problems and many children had to grow up without a birth mother.  One can see that this is where the myths come from.  The reason why the “Myth” perpetuates in modern society is something entirely different.  Boys can act directly.  They can even act out. They are allowed to be selfish. Girls must be good and behave.  This is still true, even with Feminism, for whatever reason.  So women have to develop underhanded means of getting what they want.  Most women do this.  Whereas girls used to have to pick up this behavior from one Step-Mother who didn’t love them, now they have to pick up on it from two women at the same time.  A Mother who may have been dumped, may feel inferior to the Step-Mother, may fear that she will lose her child to this other woman and have to defend herself.  And the Step-Mother who apparently expects instant gratification because her relationship with her husband and not his family is what she married into.

There are also many stories in the newspapers about step-sons wigging out from the pressures of their families.  This is almost always attributed to adoloscence because of course that is when kids get hormonal.  Boys are expected to go off the beam.  Girls must “behave.”  I do remember listening to a really interesting audiobook written about girls who bully.

Link to a forum that discusses why there are so many Wicked Step-Mothers in fairy tales and no Step-Fathers.  Usually the Father is seen as being absent.  I personally am beginning to think that there is a real gender bias/prejudice.  It really comes out strongly in step-families.  The step-mothers don’t even think to complain about the sons.  As usual what I’ve read from the psychologists is useless, uninsightful gibberish.

I’ve also noticed another thing.  None of these women say that they grew up in a Step-Family themselves so they have absolutely no idea what they are doing.  They also don’t question this.  I’ve definitely noticed this among the psychologists.  I’ve also noticed the level of bias in the research among the psychologists.  When a kid is being abused by a real parent he/she still has a sense that he/she belongs to that parent.  There is no bond with the Step-Parent.  I think it would also be wise for future step-parents to realize that they won’t be afforded much generosity with regards to their own mistakes by the child who will go to the other parent and complain.  That’s just what kids will do.

Divorce when there are children really does create a stupid class of people in society.  When the politicians and financiers complain that the Middle Class is dropping out of society I believe this is the root of it as much as the other factors.

In the end, there is a social Global Warming going on as much as an Environmental Global Warming.  This is a rant.  I know that.

Suggestion to the Step-Parents.  Less is more.  Admit your selfishness. If you have a strong personality you will be hated.  The kids are just on overload with regard to their famil(ies) who give them nothing back in return.  The kids honest to God don’t need more parents.  Normal kids beyond the age of 14 don’t feel like they need any parents, let alone all the Sideshows which gets drummed up in multiple Split families.

23 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I have been a stepdaughter and I am now a stepmother.

My personal view of my stepmother is unpleasant shall we say, she was a very controlling personality and due to certain circumstances; I no longer have a relationship with my father due to her influence.

Having experienced that it has coloured my view as a stepmother. It’s important to me that my stepson never feels he is competing with me for his father, that there is mutual respect between the two of us and that if I upset him or vice versa that we can talk about it and resolve it – not scream and shout at each other.

But, and this is very simple, if you live in my home (whether part time or not) I will not accept that I have no say in pulling up a child on their manners. I’m not exactly the “lock in the tower with no dinner” type but I refuse to pander to a child for fear of hearing “Evil stepmother!!!!” screamed in my general direction from a multitude of sources.

Maybe having been a stepchild has made it easier for me to understand what a child will or will not struggle with when it comes to a new person in their parent’s life. But whether you believe the wicked stepmother stereotype or not, I think most stepmothers I know manage unmanageable situations with grace and dignity – and more than a few come out of those situations with a relationship with their stepchild that works for them both.

It’ll never be perfect, but it is what it is.

Comment by Zuki

This person is an absolute Wanker! Has no idea what they are talking about!!

Comment by Hazel

Oops didnt mean to say the W word!out loud… but really some people dont have a clue

Comment by Hazel

LOL! I’m in the U.S. so am not sure what the W word is but can imagine…. That’s what we’re calling our President right now, tee hee.

If you return, Hazel, could you please explain what you don’t think is valid about what either I said or what Zuki said.

Comment by toothless

LOL, I love it:

I’ve definitely noticed this among the psychologists. I’ve also noticed the level of bias in the research among the psychologists.

The psychologists….like they are a underground cult!! Just blame the psychologists!!

At least put a reference or some kind of example of research into your non-sensical rant.

“Divorce when there are children really does create a stupid class of people in society.”

No. A stupid class of people in society create children when they aren’t even sure if they are committed to each other, nevermind whether or not they have a relationship strong enough to have children.

I think the person who started this blog was about 12. A perdantic little shit who thinks he’s smart but is too immature to really understand the dynamics of adult relationships.

A word of advice. Grow up and get over it.

Comment by Sungoddess

For Sun Goddess,

I have briefly mentioned the bias that psychologists use in order to get results of the effects of divorce on children. You just haven’t read the whole blog because, in your own words, “you’re a pedantic little shit.” Psychologists study white, middle class kids. They choose about 100-200 families from the most stable communities they can find. Divorce, on the other hand, is about our unstable and materialistic society. Oh yeah, we don’t really have a middle class to speak of anymore…

If the person who is writing this blog is 12 years old and having to forgo his childhood so that his parents can re-visit their pre-marital years over and over again, then what a tragedy. He’s a kid! Where are the adults? Your lack of compassion is common but unbelievably cruel…obviously you’re a step-parent. Thanks for proving what I’m talking about here and providing yet another real life example.

I just want to note that this is a blog that is for people who grew up in Divorce. It is not for the parents who chronically whine, it is not for the psychologists who have turned a blind eye, it is not for the step-parents. I wont’ go into what they do, it’s generally not good.

Comment by toothless

“I just want to note that this is a blog that is for people who grew up in Divorce. It is not for the parents who chronically whine, it is not for the psychologists who have turned a blind eye, it is not for the step-parents. I wont’ go into what they do, it’s generally not good.”

Which is better in your view? Parents staying together for the sake of the kids or admitting they are not happy in their relationship and splitting up?
Personally I’m convinced if my parents had stayed together my childhood would have been a lot worse!!

And divorce does have repercussions beyond the children alone and do affect the later partners of parents so I do think you’re being generalistic in your view. To be honest, you’re being influenced by bias just as much as the psychiatrists that you object to.

Comment by Zuki

Yeah, you’re right. I’m biased, but in reaction to the psychologists who are useless. If they had half a clue I wouldn’t be doing this. Anybody in his right mind would be biased against the crappy step-parents who are commenting on this blog. They are absolute freaks but I’m glad when they leave their nasty comments. It’s proof that I’m right. I certainly didn’t have any idea I would have to deal with step-parents on this blog but maybe they just really are invasive, insensitive, bullying personalities. Some people just like to enter into conflict and impossible situations.

Congratulations if your situation wasn’t very bad. I don’t run into many of you. If you’re hanging out on a step-parent forum then you’re obviously a miserable person. Problem with denial anywhere?

I think that divorce is necessary in many circumstances but people put no forethought into the whole event. After that mistake they repeat it by throwing a whole “family” together and expecting that to work out. The therapy thing should happen before throwing everyone into a house together and expecting everything to work out. I actually have seen Religion help. I’ve only seen Therapy help on Oprah, never in real life.

Comment by toothless

“Congratulations if your situation wasn’t very bad. I don’t run into many of you. If you’re hanging out on a step-parent forum then you’re obviously a miserable person. Problem with denial anywhere?”

I’m not suffering from denial in the slightest. I’m being smart and honest enough to admit that certain situations I just don’t know how to deal with and so I turn to other people who have dealt with the same thing for advice.

And seeing as I’ve not actually made this personal, and have rather stated an experienced opinion rather than an attack on you I think calling me a miserable person is a little unnecessary – you don’t know me at all.

Comment by Zuki

Fair enough. I apologize if you’re not really a miserable person. Thing is, if I had a problem I wouldn’t seek help for it on one of those step-parenting forums. Those people are psycho and not in the least bit nice. I certainly haven’t read all the step-parenting forums in the world either. The one I mentioned in a post is a horror story and that’s the one that I’m judging all of them by. I have no interest in reading anymore, I can tell you that. Since I don’t have a clue who you are and if you are who you say you are I can only judge you from the company you keep.

Please consider: I had the step-mother from Hell and this is my blog. Therefore if you are here asking me for my opinion or sharing your own opinion (which seems kind of repressed, but I’ve already said that) you must accept me for whatever experience I have had. If you don’t like it, please feel free to find a blog written by someone who agrees with you, or write one yourself. Your opinion would be very popular among your crowd, I can assure you.

I don’t pretend to speak for all people, I do think I’m speaking for a group of people who have been silenced by their family situations. I admit that I’m probably not the best spokesperson for the job due to cruddy writing and downright rage, but what the Hell? I think my message is good, it’s not exactly right in all cases either and I know that. And I don’t offer parenting advice here, nor advice on how the kids should act, that’s for sure, so if that’s what you’re looking for you’re going to be frustrated.

I’m just saying that there is a problem and I’m looking at it.

One more time: This blog is about the kids, not the parents. And, once again, the parents show how selfish these divorce/step-family situations make people. People in these situations act in all kinds of behaviors that are not normally experienced in family situations where personality flaws are somewhat accepted. A step-child has one flaw and they’re thrown out of the house. Actually this is normal in all single parent families. A friend of mine in high school was given $100.00 and told to leave. Another was sent to San Francisco right after she turned 18 because she told people that her father beat her. (Something that no one doubted, either). She killed herself within months. The Father, a rich lawyer, told everyone that her hair got stuck in the bathtub and she drowned. I’ve seen one story after another like this.

If I wanted to reach out and help the parents I would put my energy into helping the single parents, not the step-parents because I don’t care for and am not blinded by the games.

Comment by toothless

My reason for comment was that I was also an unhappy stepchild, but as I have grown into myself I realised that my parents splitting up was probably a good thing, and my stepmother being such a cow – well she’s going to be a sad lonely person one day.

But I do not tar everyone with that brush, as I feel it comes across that you do.

Comment by Zuki

I do not “tar” “everyone” with that brush — only the ones who deserve it, which tends to be the ones who are linking from whatever forum you guys are all coming in on. You like to see yourself as some kind of Hero, good for you. I’m more interested in recognizing what’s going on for a lot of kids out there. The “good” Germans who lived in the towns with the Concentration Camps also did and said nothing about what was going on. As far as I am concerned you can join that camp. Kids are growing up in appalling situations and people need to be aware of it. Every day I see the searches that lead to this blog and everyday there are really insulting searches written by step-parents about their step-children. Right now somebody is talking about killing his/her step-children. It’s not good to raise kids with that amount of hatred. You can promote tolerance if you want to, bragging about your “good heart” is important for you. You are still “pleasing” your idiot parents, apparently.

Step-parents need to question the way they are behaving. And, most of all, parents need to pay attention to the way their children are being treated and the attitudes they are being exposed to.

Comment by toothless

I am still “pleasing” my idiot parents? Okay, I give up. I have tried to have a sensible conversation with you and you don’t seem capable of it.

I really wish you could be happier, rather than coming across as quite a closed minded, bitter and judgemental person.

Don’t worry, that’s the last I will say on this, so you no longer have to “put up” with me.

Comment by Zuki

Sorry, I misspoke, that was bad, very bad. You step mothers were attacking on every thread you could and I had all of you confused. This isn’t even a blog for step-parents, but you guys persist. You seem to think that because for some reason your situation wasn’t as bad and for some reason you didn’t have a severe reaction to your step-parent, then absolutely no one else on earth should either. It’s not ok that you think you have the right to speak for all people who grew up in divorce. Anyone disagrees with you and you throw a little tantrum. You haven’t given any particulars about your story. You probably don’t have one. You are simply telling me not to think the way I do when 25 percent of kids are having strong reactions to their parents’ divorces.

For all I know you don’t have a story. You are from just one of the step-parents who is faking their identity just to create problems here. You are certainly acting like it.

Comment by toothless

Hi toothless,

I wondered what your background is? I understand this is a blog for children of divorce, and stepfamilies, and I tick both boxes. I am also a step parent and didn’t get referred here by a forum but rather after trawling through google to find accounts from stepkids. My experience is possibly different to those you describe – I have really good relationships with both of my partner’s kids, one teenage boy and one girl. I have felt very worried recently as the boy (16) has been having some trouble at school and socially, and whilst he talks to me a lot, I am worried that neither of his parents are really aware of how crap it is when you are that age and no-one ‘listens’ – I feel they are a bit busy telling him what to do.

I had good and bad experiences as a kid and came onto your blog to get as much insight as I could, just for my own understanding, not in order to go to war. I have also realised what a hot topic it is, just by trawling through sites.

I can say from personal experience that I have learned a lot by becoming a step parent, and in turn have a gained a lot of respect for the stepmother I had, although I was lucky because she was pretty wonderful anyway. I have also understood my own Mum much better, who raised my stepsister from the age of 6 and had a tough time. Throughout my twenties I was very angry and judgemental, but I have toned down a little with age – i am in my 30’s.

I would, however, never dare to presume about another’s situation – I write only to tell you of my own.

And for no other reason than to gain insight…as I mentioned. I rather hope I do not become categorised as another ‘sad’ person, but then again, you have the right to view me as you wish, since I chose to comment on your blog!

I do find what you have to say very interesting – and worrying.

Comment by Crenagh

Hi Crenagh,

I’m going to try to add your comment here but please be aware that the Stepparent website has added a spam thingee of some kind to messages sent from there so I may have to remove this comment. I don’t know how these things work. And I have no idea whether you are sincere or not because you present a picture perfect set-up which I don’t run across in real life. Usually people don’t come from situations that were as bad as mine. When they discuss their parents divorce they show no emotion at all. Those are good survival tactics on a personal level. On a larger social level I think this kind of passivity has led to acceptance of some bad financial and political moves.

Comment by toothless

I grew up in a stepfamily. My stepfather never liked me…he married my mom when I was very little and as a young child, I often found myself getting screamed at by him when I had no idea what I did wrong. Things did not get better as I got older. He bullied me and I was afraid of him. I am female, by the way. I never had a stepmother because my real father was never in the picture. Just wanted to let you know that, unfortunately, there are stepfathers out there who bully their step-daughters.

Comment by Brooke

Thank you for sharing your experience Brooke. Yes, there are some frightening step-parents out there. You also have the problem of having been abandoned by your Father. In a sense your Mother abandoned you too because she let you go through the abuse.

I wonder how many personality types really take on the role of step-parent. I think there are mostly situations where the step-family situation is awkward and strange and everyone counts the days until the kids turn 18 and move out. You grow up in your parent’s relationship and feel happy for them that they have somebody and I don’t know what they do in return, guess they feed and clothe you and take the deduction on their income taxes for you.

Comment by toothless

I’m a stepmom and biomom who writes a blog about problem stepkids. I’d LOVE to have you (the author and others here) do a guest post. Maybe even a written conversation between us. This is such a volatile topic. We need to get past the partisan politics and find solutions. Interested?

Comment by WickedStepKids

Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for the invite but no thanks.

Step-kids are talking about family when they talk about family. You are talking about politics. The two are completely different, unrelated subjects. From the title of your blog it sounds like you may not have great diplomacy skills yourself. You definitely love your bio children more than your step-kids.

Comment by toothless

I am married to a man with kids(adults)I agree less is more.I do not have step parents but my parents did.I also have a strong personality because I am a strong person.

I do not consider myself “mother”anything to my husbands daughters(yep all of em)they have a Mother and I am a mother to my own kid.Do I love my kid more,yes I do.I care and wish those young women well but I don’t love them,nor do they love me.My caring and wishing them well is better than the “who will die first my Dad or Her”,I receive from them.

You know who is to blame for those young ladies pain?Their Father and Mother when both of them thought it was a good idea to have affairs with other people(not with me)that’s who.I,m not trying to be rude to you just stating fact in my husbands kids situation.Those girls parents were the selfish ones,not I.

Any divorced parent who considers remarriage should make clear to the person they are inviting into their life that they have a parental responsibility,they love their kids but they have enough love and time for a spouse as well.You expect them to treat the kids fairly(not demand love,that either develops or it does not)

Also the parent considering marriage needs to make clear to the kids they are a priority,loved,valued and no marriage will ever change that but the parent has welcomed this person into their live has a responsibility as a husband or wife now too and their is enough love,time,attention and …resources for all.And they are to treat the new spouse fairly(ditto,above).

If the parent can’t balance being a parent and a spouse they should not remarry.The blame lies with the parent(s) who failed in marriage and as a parent(including protecting them for step parent who are out to be cruel for no reason).Put the blame where it truly belongs.

Learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes in your own marriage and with your own kids.Break the cycle.

Comment by Rainbow

Oh,sorry but I forgot to add this.I am the Mother of a son and my husband doesn’t like him.Doesn’t stop me from having a relationship with him though and I point out when I feel my husband is being truly unfair to him..and he can be in favor of his daughters.Sons don’t always escape it.

Comment by Rainbow

Sounds like an unbelievably unhappy household.

Comment by wristwatch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: