Spoiled Children of Divorce


Divorce is Good for Some Children
October 31, 2008, 10:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Here’s a link to a blog which talks about how some Children do much better after a Divorce:

http://www.birminghamdivorceblog.com/2008/03//is-divorce-good-for-some-children/.

This is good to acknowledge but I bet in reality the kids who benefit are a much smaller group of people.  I bet the percentages are pretty low, or at least much lower than those of the kids who basketcases, or at least not enjoying the situation.  Either way, the kids will turn 18 no matter what, unless you kill them.

I wonder what the reasons are for the happy kids, though.  First guess would be that Intense fighting and bickering between the parents would be a good reason to be relieved from one’s parents’ divorce.  Second guess would be that one parent is useless and unreliable anyway?  Another reason I can think of is that the parent who the child lived with never remarried and the child didn’t have to live with a step-parent.  Or the parent did remarry and the step-parent was really rich and kind and generous kind of like how it happens in Shirley Temple movies.  Either way, the kids from these situations certainly are very outspoken.  They will always blurt out how great it was.  Are they just defending their parents?  In most cases, staying silent is the best defense.  Just write it off, say “yeah it was bad but that’s the past.”   I’ve already said that I think that Extroverts suffer less from growing up in Divorce than do Introverts.  Maybe Extroverts feel they must speak out and since they have no inner life they don’t really feel like they’ve missed much.

I think that kids who are removed from the home for the early part of the Divorce also suffer less.  I’ve noticed that the Children of Divorce from the older generations who were raised by Grandparents after the divorce seem to have become more successful.  An astrologer pointed out to me that she didn’t mind her parents’ divorce because she had no planets in her 4th House.  4th House is the house of Home.  Whether one believes in astrology or not it makes sense that a child for whom “Home” is a important idea will struggle more with Divorce than for one who doesn’t have much identification with home and other 4th House needs.  Barack Obama, apparently does have Moon in the 4th House.  He instinctively knew to leave his Mother and Step-Father in Indonesia and to go live with his Grandparents.

And, in astrology, often the child with nothing down in the bottom of the chart can be destructive, even suicidal, later in life.  Seems that if there are problems in an area and no inherant understanding of what happened, the problems fester and don’t go away.  (I have noticed a couple of times where such people were full of stories of stupid things they had done in their lives and their behavior was sometimes unusually vindictive and petty.)

Perhaps the solution is to allow the children to talk constantly.  I know that kids in single parent homes are generally pretty silent.  Just a part of walking on eggshells.  Adults tend to understand that they must fear the silent child.  He is probably observing too much in his little life.

If a child’s parent has split up a home in order to gain financial stability as with my step-sister/step-mother, the child (step-sister) will actually do much better, of course.  The emotional hell was already there.  The material problems are gone.  Or, as in my case, my Father suffered non-stop financial problems after the Divorce.  His wife was a bit of a lush and had many, many needs.

But as for my step-sister and step-brother, they were able to live in a great neighborhood, own cars, and go to any college they wanted because they didn’t have to use my Father’s financial papers in order to get scholarships.  I, on the other hand, had to drop out because my Father was going through bankruptcy.  Amazing how it works out.  I’m not feeling sorry for myself over this (anymore), but am just acknowledging the complicated situations that arise.  I do know that these stories are very common but they aren’t for everyone’s ears.

Each circumstance and each child is going to experience the divorce in a different way.  The ones who benefit will not acknowledge what their impact on the others will be. Why should they, especially if they also suffered through neglect and alcoholism?  My step-sister over the years constantly complained that I had more than she did.  It was a manipulation technique.

It’s common to acknowledge that after a death, relationships and pecking orders in families shift.  Why not acknowledge this in split and reformed families?  Why lump everyone into the same story, except for the fact that the psychologists are just not bright enough to do so and the parents are too screwed up for too long after the split ….



New Book on Adult Children of Divorce in Relationships

Amazon.com is taking pre-orders for a new book that’s coming out concerning Adult Children of D and relationships.  I haven’t looked at it but the synopses and reviews looks interesting.  It’s pretty pricey at $40.00 so I guess it might be marketed to and written for Mental Health Professionals.

Adult Children of Divorce:  Confused Love Seekers by Geraldine K. Piorkowski

An Astrological Note:  The word “Confusion” indicates a link between Neptune and growing up in Divorce.  “Romantic Love” in a chivalrous way is ruled by Sun/Leo.  “Romantic Love” in an idealistic way is ruled by Neptune.  Libra/Venus rules Marriage.

The Following Reviews and Synopsis are taken from Amazon.com:

Review
“Piorkowski demonstrates her masterful understanding of the developmental experiences that facilitate and those that interfere with intimate relationships.”–Alice Bernstein, PhD,, Past President, Chicago Association for Psychoanalytic Psychology

“Piorkowski’s unique contribution is to help us understand why adult children of divorce find it so difficult to develop true intimacy. They frequently lack the blueprint that would enable them to move from an idealistic picture of romantic love to the more realistic one of commitment and skills needed to develop true long term sustaining relationships. Her penetrating analyis clearly indicates the urgent need to guide and support these confused love seekers.”–Michele Baldwin, PhD., Chicago Center for Family Health

“What is love? Our parents’ divorce undermined the idea that love is forever. The media feeds us the myth that love appears instantly and magically heals all our wounds. Today’s grown children of divorce are confused in the realm of love. Dr. Piorkowski brings a wealth of compassion, over twenty years of clinical experience, and a discerning eye on current research to help grown children of divorce to find the love they are looking for and to form the stable relationships they hope to give to their own children.”–Elizabeth Marquardt, Author, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce

“Dr. Piorkowski’s book defines in depth the concept of love from a philosophical, cultural and artistic perspective providing the reader with a foundation by which they can reach their own determination as to the true meaning and feeling of love. Aided with this knowledge, the reader can better understand an interpersonal relationship. Then the book focuses on the viable by-product of failed “love,” as most strongly illustrated by children of divorce. Piorkowski examines how they react and how they can manage their own relationships to avoid the pitfalls of the past.”–Floyd N. Nadler, P.C., Nadler, Pritikin & Mirabelli LLC

Product Description
Romantic love is often an elusive, fragile, and tenuous state, difficult to maintain across years. The rates of divorce, re-divorce, relationship violence, and abuse today attest to the fact that Americans are failing at romantic love. For teenaged and adult children of divorce, romantic love is especially elusive. Because they have no road map of a satisfying, stable romantic relationship derived from their own parents, they are confused about what love is and tend to make poor partner choices. Borrowing heavily from popular culture for their unrealistic standards regarding love, they become disillusioned when their all-too-ordinary lovers don’t measure up. Especially vulnerable to the problems their parents had, they tend to overreact in a similar negative fashion and are all too ready to consider divorce when unhappiness strikes. In trying to halt intergenerational transmission of divorce, Psychologist Piorkowski points out how American popular culture presents an over-sexualized, explosive, and superficial version of romantic love that can’t last. With this book, adult children of divorce can begin to recognize how they have been affected by familial experiences and develop a new, realistic map to provide directions for more fulfilling and enduring romantic relationships. Piorkowski, in an extensive review of literature, also looks at cultural factors and how they impact romantic love and marriage. In contrast to American popular culture’s shallow rendition of romantic love, many cultures elsewhere in the world emphasize compatibility, religion, and family allegiance. As a result, says the author, such marriages appear more stable than American unions built upon the shifting sands of emotion.



Exemplary Children of Divorce – Tony Robbins
October 16, 2008, 11:10 pm
Filed under: Exemplary Children of Divorce

Motivational Speaker Tony Robbins is a Child of Divorce.

This is from his Wikipedia entry:

Robbins was born Anthony J. Mahavorick in North Hollywood, California. He was raised in Azusa, California, and he attended Glendora High School. His parents divorced when he was seven years old, and his mother later remarried twice. Tony took on the surname of Jim Robbins, his second stepfather.

Robbins has gone through a Divorce himself.

Children of D can be great in crisis because they have so much practice from early in life.  This morning’s Today Show had Robbins on talking about how to deal with the Financial Crisis.  One can see why people pay Robbins big money to help them out.  Looks like he got lots of practice through his Mother’s relationships.

Apparently he’s been on the show more than once.  Here’s a show on how to deal with Fear.

http://au.truveo.com/TONY-ROBBINS-ON-THIS-TIME-OF-CRISIS/id/4226838715