Spoiled Children of Divorce


Divorce is Good for Some Children
October 31, 2008, 10:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Here’s a link to a blog which talks about how some Children do much better after a Divorce:

http://www.birminghamdivorceblog.com/2008/03//is-divorce-good-for-some-children/.

This is good to acknowledge but I bet in reality the kids who benefit are a much smaller group of people.  I bet the percentages are pretty low, or at least much lower than those of the kids who basketcases, or at least not enjoying the situation.  Either way, the kids will turn 18 no matter what, unless you kill them.

I wonder what the reasons are for the happy kids, though.  First guess would be that Intense fighting and bickering between the parents would be a good reason to be relieved from one’s parents’ divorce.  Second guess would be that one parent is useless and unreliable anyway?  Another reason I can think of is that the parent who the child lived with never remarried and the child didn’t have to live with a step-parent.  Or the parent did remarry and the step-parent was really rich and kind and generous kind of like how it happens in Shirley Temple movies.  Either way, the kids from these situations certainly are very outspoken.  They will always blurt out how great it was.  Are they just defending their parents?  In most cases, staying silent is the best defense.  Just write it off, say “yeah it was bad but that’s the past.”   I’ve already said that I think that Extroverts suffer less from growing up in Divorce than do Introverts.  Maybe Extroverts feel they must speak out and since they have no inner life they don’t really feel like they’ve missed much.

I think that kids who are removed from the home for the early part of the Divorce also suffer less.  I’ve noticed that the Children of Divorce from the older generations who were raised by Grandparents after the divorce seem to have become more successful.  An astrologer pointed out to me that she didn’t mind her parents’ divorce because she had no planets in her 4th House.  4th House is the house of Home.  Whether one believes in astrology or not it makes sense that a child for whom “Home” is a important idea will struggle more with Divorce than for one who doesn’t have much identification with home and other 4th House needs.  Barack Obama, apparently does have Moon in the 4th House.  He instinctively knew to leave his Mother and Step-Father in Indonesia and to go live with his Grandparents.

And, in astrology, often the child with nothing down in the bottom of the chart can be destructive, even suicidal, later in life.  Seems that if there are problems in an area and no inherant understanding of what happened, the problems fester and don’t go away.  (I have noticed a couple of times where such people were full of stories of stupid things they had done in their lives and their behavior was sometimes unusually vindictive and petty.)

Perhaps the solution is to allow the children to talk constantly.  I know that kids in single parent homes are generally pretty silent.  Just a part of walking on eggshells.  Adults tend to understand that they must fear the silent child.  He is probably observing too much in his little life.

If a child’s parent has split up a home in order to gain financial stability as with my step-sister/step-mother, the child (step-sister) will actually do much better, of course.  The emotional hell was already there.  The material problems are gone.  Or, as in my case, my Father suffered non-stop financial problems after the Divorce.  His wife was a bit of a lush and had many, many needs.

But as for my step-sister and step-brother, they were able to live in a great neighborhood, own cars, and go to any college they wanted because they didn’t have to use my Father’s financial papers in order to get scholarships.  I, on the other hand, had to drop out because my Father was going through bankruptcy.  Amazing how it works out.  I’m not feeling sorry for myself over this (anymore), but am just acknowledging the complicated situations that arise.  I do know that these stories are very common but they aren’t for everyone’s ears.

Each circumstance and each child is going to experience the divorce in a different way.  The ones who benefit will not acknowledge what their impact on the others will be. Why should they, especially if they also suffered through neglect and alcoholism?  My step-sister over the years constantly complained that I had more than she did.  It was a manipulation technique.

It’s common to acknowledge that after a death, relationships and pecking orders in families shift.  Why not acknowledge this in split and reformed families?  Why lump everyone into the same story, except for the fact that the psychologists are just not bright enough to do so and the parents are too screwed up for too long after the split ….


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

You are right in saying that every child’s experience will be unique to them. Childline in the UK helps kids have someone to call and talk to about what is happening around them as parents split up and it is an impartial listening ear that can truly help children at this time. If you have any particular resources you would like me to post on my Starting Over Village resource website (www.sos-village.org) feel free to send it, as I would like to put more in there directly aimed at helping children.

Suzy

Comment by suzymiller

Thanks for your comment, Suzy. You might try linking to Oprah’s show. Sometimes she has some experts on. Here’s a link:

http://www.oprah.com/community/thread/14933.

Elizabeth Marquardt and Stephanie Stall have written very good books that have looked at feelings of the Children. I suspect that your parents want to hear a different slant.

The phone number might help. It depends on what the adult on the other end of the line says. The child is still stuck in a horrible situation, though. Any adult in that situation would leave.

Comment by toothless




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