Spoiled Children of Divorce


IQ Changes during Adolescence
October 22, 2011, 5:56 pm
Filed under: Astrology stuff

An “Atlantic Monthly” article describes a study from 2004 that was performed on children in adolescence. The IQ’s of 33 children between the ages of 12 and 16 were tested and the results show that IQs rise or drop significantly between those ages. This was only in a study of 33 children, we don’t know what demographics they were from, etc. etc. but this does show that children who come across as either very bright or very slow should not be judged further on down the line because their performance can change.

The changes were in Verbal IQ, which is activated by articulating speech, and non-verbal IQ, which is activated by movements of the hand. Astrologically, this looks like a situation that is ruled by Mercury.

One can see that at Age 12 the child is most influenced by his/her Jupiter Return. This is related to broad minded thinking and expressing opinions and optimism.  This would be a time when a child could be best introduced to the idea of going to college because he will interested in broadening his vision.

At roughly Age 13-14 children go through two major cycle transits involving oppositions and maturation. Oppositions are related to relationships with the outside world. If stressed at that time and ignored and not guided/allowed to develop properly a child could develop all kinds of problems related to energies related to Moon and Saturn.

First, at roughly Age 13, a child then goes through his first secondary progressed Lunar Opposition. This is a time when a child goes inward and seeks out his own needs (among other things). A child at this age needs emotional support in order to allow this interior process to go on so that he can make meaningful decisions. There is a tertiary progressed Mercury, Venus and Mars return which occurs around these ages which might influence how this works. Mercury rules hands and communication. Venus, as I’ve shown, is also very connected with how a child develops his mercury as she exhibits the desire to connect with things and people which makes development of Mercury communications possible. Mars rules the brain and head. When these teritiary progressed returns happen varies widely from chart to chart because of retrogrades.

Second, at roughly Age 14, a child goes through his first Saturn opposition. Saturn is considered the planet that exhibits maturity through planning, life goals, concern over status and career, and decision making.

Saturn and Moon at this point are farthest from their natal spots so there will be a test of some sort in this regard. Saturn rules tests and needs guidance in understanding how to deal with failure and/or success properly within society. The Moon is concerned about how to deal with failure and/or success within the family.

Some children who are born during Sun-Venus conjunctions will follow a strong 8 year cycle in their lives. This year for example, there has been a very long period of Sun and Venus transits so many children will perhaps deal with this energy in 8 year cycles. The famous idea of “Sweet 16” for girls is typical of this energy. Venus rules girls and social popularity and being pretty. Adding the Sun enhances the need to be popular. Both boys and girls will have a strong desire for Romance and Chivalry.

One could look at these return cycles to try to understand what are sensitive times for a child. Anything related to Moon and Saturn will show a stunting of development as these two planets are strongly tied in with insecurities and feeling picked on which can literally stop development.

http://www.theatlantic.com/life/archive/2011/10/study-of-the-day-iq-rises-and-falls-during-teenage-years/246917/

Can’t do the linky thing because I posted to weird version of wordpress.



Questions They Could Have Asked
October 17, 2011, 8:58 pm
Filed under: Abandonment

Our parents divorces generally occur before we have even had our first date.  Because of our lack of personal experience in relationships we really don’t have a clue what is going on, yet we are observing very advanced levels of human relationship.  I think that some kids can genuinely ignore what is going on with their parents.  Some get totally involved in it.

Modern psychologists say that babies are capable of understanding pretty advanced versions of human relationship from very young ages.  Obviously, they don’t have the words to express what is going on, but they also don’t have the experience.

Splitting a family up is an extremely complex act.  It’s not just about a relationship falling apart and usually involves extreme shifts in every aspect of life.

So I thought up a list of questions that I thought I would have enjoyed being asked at any time during all those god damned years of expensive therapy.  The first list was just a stream of consciousness rambling of questions that came to mind.  The second list was more clinical and thorough:  I tried to ask questions from subjects as shown in the 12 houses of the horoscope.  This is a great start because it could spark some creative thought about which area of life was most affected. Each house not only represents a certain area of life but also a certain set of emotional reactions and mental processes.  Teachers probably just look at test scores.  Parents probably look at behavior.  I truly don’t know what therapists look at other than the clock and their own reflection in the window.

At any rate, I preferred my Stream of consciousness list because it’s easier for me to read. I repeat some stuff because I’m writing straight into the WordPress typewriter and you can only see about 10 lines at a time.  The repeats don’t bother me. Since nobody ever asked these questions I feel I have the right to go over them again and again if I want.

Here it is.

***********

How old were you when your parents divorced?

Which parent left?

Did that parent improve his/her life in the divorce?

How did the other parent react?

How long did it take for each parent to get over the divorce?  Did they ever get over it?

What’s the angriest memory you have of your parents going through the divorce?

Did everyone cry a lot?

Did their fighting increase or decrease?

Was it sudden or unexpected?

Do you have very clear memories of that time?

Did you feel betrayed or ignored?

Were you relieved?

Were lies uncovered about your parents’ relationships?

Was one of the parents having an affair?

Did it shock you to find out that a parent was having an affair?

Did you feel like you had to provide support for the rejected parent?

Do feelings of shock play a large part in your adult life?

Did the rejected parent go through years of trying to get his or her self esteem back?

What were you doing during that time?

Was mental illness, drugs or alcohol involved in your parents’ behaviors?

Did your parents blame you for their misery?

Did you feel like you needed to fix your parents?

Did you try to help your parents?  What was their reaction?  Did they reject your help or did they use you beyond what you probably should have been expected to?

Did your parents fight during and after the divorce, or did they fight less?

Have they ever stopped fighting?

What are Holidays and Special Occasions like now?  What was the worst Holiday you ever spent?

How long did the divorce proceedings take?

Did you have to go to court?  Did it make you feel important?

How old were your parents?

How old were your siblings?

What was your birth order at the time?

Which of your siblings (you included) is most screwed up because of the divorce?

Do you know how to fix that sibling?
Up to that point what kind of a kid were you?

Up to that point what kind of a family did you have?

Up to that point what was your Mother like?

Up to that point what was your Father like?

Which parent do you take after?

Which parent do each of your birth siblings take after?

Do you worry that you remind the parent that you don’t take after of the parent who you do take after? Does that parent ever mention this when he/she is upset with you?

Who did you live with?

Did both parents stay in your life?

Did you live with a custodial parent and see the other parent once in a while?

Did you switch back and forth between households alot?

Did you move from one house to another when things got too intense?

Did you live with a relative or stay at a boarding school for a while?  Did that make you feel rejected or inferior?

Did you stay in your same house or move?  Did you move a lot?  Do you move a lot as an adult?

Did you stay in your same town or did you leave?

What type of neighborhood did you live in when your parents divorced?  Urban, suburban, small town, etc.

Did this change?

What type of home did you live in?  Apartment rental, condo rental, condo own, house rental, house own, etc.

Did this change?

What was the general ambiance in your home before the divorce?

What was the general ambiance in your home(s) during the divorce?

What was the general ambiance in your home(s) after the divorce?

Are your parents happier now?

Did your parents ever ask you how you felt?  Would you have had an answer?

How often did you see your non-custodial parent?

Did your household chores change?

Did you have pets?  Did they stay with you?

Who were your friends when your family split up?  Did you have a best friend?  Did you hang out in a group?

Who were your friends when the divorce was final?

Did they ask you about your family?  Did they feel sorry for you?  Did you avoid talking about it so they wouldn’t feel sorry for you?

Who was your teacher when your family split up?

What grade were you in?

Did you ever avoid discussing what was going on at home because you knew Social Services would be called?

What kinds of things did people say to you about your parents divorce which bothered or hurt you?

What kinds of hobbies did you have when your parents split up?

Did you develop special interests or talents as a way of escaping what was going on at home?

Did your grades at school change?

Did you go through a rebellious phase?  If so at what age?  Did your relationships with your parents change during that time?  You became closer to one over the other or something like that?

Did you suffer any mental or emotional problems?

What type of relationship did your parents have?  Did they repeat that relationship with new spouses or did they fix the problems?

How old were they during the divorce?

What type of work did your parents do?

Did financial status change?

Did you have a dead beat dad?

Did financial status change if a parent remarried?

Did you worry more about money?

Did you help your parents shop for food?

Did you listen to your parents talk about their problems?  Did you sit in your room in order to avoid listening to the problems?

Do you enjoy listening to people talk about their problems as an adult?

Did you help your parents make major decisions?

How are you at making decisions as an adult?

Did you become closer to each parent or more distant?

Did your Mother date?

Did she involve you in getting ready for dates, answering phones, opening door, discussing boyfriends?

How was she around your own dates?

Do you feel that your attitude towards dating was changed in any way as a result of being exposed to your parents’ relationships?

Of your Mother’s boyfriends who did you like the most?  Did your Mother marry this person?  If not, did you feel a loss when the person disappeared?

If your Mother remarried, what age were you?  What was your first impression of your Mother’s husband?  Did you bond with him?  Did you resent his interference?  Could you rely on him as a Father?  Did your Biological Father get along with step-father?

Describe your relationship with your step-father.  What do you like most?  What do you like least?  What role did he play in your life?

Did your Mother divorce your step-father?

Did your Mother marry and divorce multiple times?  What memories stand out about your Mother’s boyfriends?

If your Father remarried, what age were you?  What was your first improession of your Father’s wife?  Did you bond with her?  Did you resent her interference?  Could you rely on her as a Mother?  Did your Biological Mother get along with step-mother?

Describe your relationship with your step-mother.  What do you like most?  What do you like least?  What role did she play in your life?

Did your Father divorce your step-mother?

Did anyone blame you for their marital problems in their new marriages?

Which of your parents is most supportive?

If something goes wrong in your life who can you call?

Did you act out?  How did your families react to this?  Did you see a therapist?  Were you medicated?  Did you change homes?  Did you play off their guilt?  Did you wish that they felt guilt?

Did either or any (step parents included) parent use you in order to get back at the other parent?  Did you feel useful because of this, or used?

Did you have step-siblings?  Did you feel comfortable around them?  What was your birth order by age when compared with your step-siblings?

How old were you when you went on your first date?

How old were you when you first had sex?

Were you comfortable with your parents’ sex lives?

Are you comfortable with your own sex life?

Do you trust people?

Do you bond really easily with people and then regret it?

Do you look for family in your friends?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Do you value human relationships?

Do you fear close relationships?

Do you feel safe in relationships?

Do you feel like you know how a relationship will end even before it’s begun?

Do you put yourself in unsafe  places and with unsafe people?

Did your family eat meals together before the divorce?

Did your family eat meals together after the divorce?

Did your diet change by quality or type after the divorce?

Who prepared the meals?

Do you like to cook?

Do you eat healthy food now as an adult?

What was your general mood before the divorce?

What was your general mood after the divorce?

How did you do in school before the divorce?

How did you do in school after the divorce?

If there was a change, did anyone do anything about it?

Did both parents work?  Did they like their jobs?

Do they show interest in your work and career?

Did you follow in a parents’ footsteps in career? or in relationships?  or in health habits?  or in a child raising?

Do you handle angry feelings well?

Do you find it easy to say “No.”

Do you find it easy to reject people from your life?

Do you handle feelings of jealousy well?

Do you feel that both your parents are happier or unhappier after the divorce?  Mother?  Father?

Do you feel that both of your parents have a better life after the divorce?  Mother?  Father?  How is the life better or worse?

Do you secretly wish that they hadn’t divorced?

Did either parent remarry?

What age were you when your Mother and Father remarried?

How long had they known your step-parent before they married?

If you didn’t like your step-parent, did you say anything about it or did you just get moody because you knew you were powerless over the situation?

If you didn’t like your step-parent, would your parent have changed his/her mind about the marriage?  Would you have wanted him/her to?

As an adult, are you comfortable discussing your parents’ divorce?

As an adult, does anyone ever ask you what it was like growing up in divorce?  If they do, how do you feel about answering?  Do they only ask because they are going through a divorce themselves and trying to figure out what to do with the kids?

How was Discipline handled in your family before the divorce?  Which parent did the disciplining?

How was Discipline handled in your families after the divorce?  Did your parents agree with each other?

Are you often accused of being manipulative by people because you grew up in divorce?

Do your parents still fight with each other?

Are Holidays always hell?

What type of family member were you before the divorce?

What type of family do you wish you had?  Do you ever think about this?

What type of marriage did your parents have?

What type of divorce did your parents have?  Did it happen suddenly?   Did you expect it?

Did you side with one of your parents over the other?  Did you feel guilty about that?

Which parent do you most take after?

Did your parents compare you to the parent they were divorcing?

Do you feel that for a time you were parenting your parents?

Did you feel embarassed by the divorce?

Was there violence in the home before the divorce?

Was there violence in the home after the divorce?  More or less than before?

Do you feel that your parents were better off because of the divorce?

Do you feel that your siblings were better off because of the divorce?

Do you feel that you are better off because of the divorce?

If you can remember, How long do you feel it took for your parents to get over the divorce and move on?  Were they eventually happier?

Do you feel like you are on the sidelines watching other people live their lives?

Are you proud that you don’t come from a normal household?

Did your parents date?  Did you mind watching your parents date?  Did you like giving relationship advice?

Did your parents remarry?  If so, how many times?  Were each of the marriages/divorce different?

Do you feel that you were exposed to your parents’ sex lives too  dramatically in any way?

Are you comfortable with your own sex life?

Did your parents involve you in helping them to make decisions?

Do you have trouble making decisions as an adult?

Do you feel that you are better off or worse off because of your parents’ divorce?  Or pretty much the same?

Did both parents stay in your life as much as you wanted?

Who was your major caretaker?

Did housing change?  better or worse?

Did financial status change?  better or worse?

Did your diet change?  better or worse?

Do you like to live by a schedule?

Do you like complicated family relationships?

Do you like coming from an unorthodox family?

Did your relationship with siblings change?  Did they become closer or more distant?  Have they changed as an adult?

Did you have any changes in health during the divorce?

Did you go through any major traumas of your own such as major accidents, loss of friend through death, health problems?  What did each parent do?  Did they work together or continue to fight?  Did one take over complete control?  Did one feel rejected and disappear?

Do you fear relationships as a result of your parents’ divorce?  More cautious?  More impulsive?  More cynical?

Do you wish you had run away?

Did any relatives, neighbors, mentors, adult friends of the family ever ask you how you were doing?

Were you sent away for a while?

Do you compare yourself to people who come from intact families and wonder what the hell they are complaining about?

If you are an adult do you feel you have any residual emotional problems directly related to the divorce?

Did your parents remarry?  This leads to lots of new questions.  Were you given enough time to adjust to the new parent/kids or were you ignored or rushed?  Did you like/dislike new parent?  Did new parent like/dislike you?  Did housing change?

Did your relationship with your Mother change?  Do you remember?

Did your relationship with your Father change?  Do you remember?

What are your best memories from childhood?

What are your worst memories from childhood?

Do you hate schedules?

Do you wish you had acted differently as a child?

Do you think you would have turned out pretty much the same if your parents hadn’t divorced?

Do you feel that your parents tried to help you through the difficult times?

Did you go to college?

Did you finish?

Did your siblings go to college and finish?

Do you eat regular meals as an adult?

Do you trust people?

Did your parents date?  If they didn’t, did that bother you?  If they did, did that bother you?

If others ask about your parents divorce do you answer?

Have you experienced death of a parent as well?

Who took care of the parent at that point?

Were you disinherited or cut out of a will because of dynamics from step-families and divorce?



Exemplary Children of Divorce – Mark Whitaker

Mark Whitaker is Managing Editor of CNN Worldwide.  I don’t know what that means exactly, except for the fact that it means that he’s intelligent and successful.

Whitaker has written his memoir.  I’ve only read a couple of blurbs about it.  Whitaker is bi-racial. His Father was a Scholar who specialized in African Studies.  His Mother was also an academic who taught French (I think).  His parents met when his Father signed up for his Mother’s class. They had two sons together.

His parents had a “Bad Divorce”  when Whitaker was 8 years old.  This means, according to my research, that Whitaker would have been heavily influenced by his first Saturn Square. Saturn rules the Father and Career Ambitions and Discipline.   On an emotional level Saturn can relate to depression and guilt and bitterness. In Whitaker’s case it’s in the sign of Sagittarius which rules Journalism, Law, Religion, International Affairs, Opinions, Free Spirits, Higher Education.  That certainly fits with becoming a journalist so one can see how being “stuck” in a phase such as this can blossom into good things down the line.  The Saturn in Sagittarius fits most of his descriptions about the divorce which is what I’m always looking for.  His parents were both academics.  They were brought together through an interest in foreign affairs.  His Father’s philandering was a main reason for the divorce and probably his drinking and irresponsible behavior was a major source of pain for Whitaker.  The Mother moved her sons across country where Whitaker found a positive outlet in journalism.  Sagittarius is often related to overdoing and excess and Whitaker began to eat excessively in reaction to the stress and pain.  Fortunately he is a Virgo so probably interest in diet and healthy lifestyle took over because he’s not overweight now.

I think that children who are going through a Saturn cycle transit will often hold their parents accountable for their behaviors later on more than some of the other age groups.   So parents should be prepared for that.  Children at that age are hitting a level of maturation which needs a sense of order as support.  They may develop a problem with overwork later on in life.

If this is true, then the Ages roughly for this particular need are around Age8 and Age 14.  Saturn transits are often connected with progressed Moon transits (Mother, emotional, interior life) and these two represent parenting and family and tradition.

As an off note it is interesting to see that Whitaker found his calling after moving across country after the divorce.  He developed an interest in journalism in his new school.  It’s interesting that his natal Mercury (writing, communications, co-ruler for Journalism along with Jupiter/Sagittarius)  is Retrograde in Virgo and stationed direct in 1969-70 which could have explained a release for communications.

CNN’s currently posting a video of Whitaker in which he talks about how he succeeded in spite of growing up in a difficult divorce situation.  



Favoritism
October 6, 2011, 5:55 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Time Magazine’s cover story in this week’s issue is an article on Favoritism in families.  The article discusses how parents prefer one child over another in most families and how this affects the children.  I didn’t read through the entire thing once I realized that the hell of living in a step-family adds yet another layer for kids.

Once Mom and Dad split, their relationship with each child might change.  There actually might be a more positive shift as they don’t have to compete with the other parent for attention from the child. But, then the child might have to lose this attention when the parent remarries.  And then everyone will discuss it and try to make the feelings go away.  (But who’s kidding themselves on that one, really).

Probably the favorite child becomes the one who says that he/she enjoys the divorce.  Baby’s first big lie.  That will also be the kid who becomes the manipulative little bastard and will charge lots of money to credit cards and other passive aggressive expressions of rage.

Kids from divorce, as with all kids who experience big traumas during childhood, often develop much deeper and more intimate relationships with parents or siblings.  Trauma bonds people.  They share more secrets. Sometimes this can become really sick and the relationship goes through really difficult spells later on when the child is an adult and must “divorce” the parent in order to have his/her own life.

If favoritism among blood relatives has such a dramatic impact in an intact family, what kind of hell must children balance between favoritism in biological families and then favoritism within step-families?  From all the defensive comments from step-mothers that I receive on this blog (and no longer publish because this blog isn’t about step-parents) I have come to believe that most step-mothers naively think that they can compensate for what they see is unfair behavior in biological families.  Sometimes I think they can.  But, mostly, I think that kids crave the love to come from their real parents.  Families have irrational quirks and secrets.  This is the weird creative seed of life.  I’m not saying that it is good.  I’m just saying that it exists for whatever reason.

Kids from divorce have to exist on so many extra levels than kids from intact families do.  I suspect that the reason that psychologists ignore this is because most psychologists have low iqs.  Really, they do.  They don’t even know that the study of psychology is not about them.

I suppose my own resentment is here: while the kids from the intact families bounce from topic to topic trying to understand how their families messed them up, kids from divorced families are further urged not to discuss their feelings.  Or, they are supposed to go to therapy when they are 5 years old.  How is a 5 year old going to understand a divorce?  Really.  Scary thing is that I suspect that they do understand a whole lot of it on the emotional level and have no words to express it.

The psychological professions are now trying to re-word the step-family situation with other words which don’t give off such a negative connotation.  Crap, the kids already can’t talk about their feelings because they are witnessing relationships that they can’t possibly understand on a heart or experience level.  This just adds one more oppressive lie to the pot.

It’s not okay to void the experience.  Remember that, parents.  You can’t get the kids to discuss a divorce because most haven’t even gone on a date yet.  They don’t get it.  They say they do, but they don’t.  They will help you figure out who to date, what to wear, how to balance your finances, whatever.  So adult.

Down the line when they do get it, they might be haunted by some ghosts that they don’t quite remember, especially during their first divorce (which they are very likely to go through) (and which will be amazingly similar to your own divorce).

How did I get here while starting out on the topic of favoritism?  Oh yeah, I suppose favoritism brings up those ideas of who you really do love and who you really could do without in your life.  And that’s what divorce is about.