Spoiled Children of Divorce


Estate Planning Help for Families of Divorce

Lawyers just do as they are told. If a ten times divorced rich guy shows up at the office and wants to leave all his money to his 3d wife and her hamster, the lawyer will write up the will that way. Rich people tend to love money and power, maybe just money. Often they don’t like their kids as much. Some people are just in denial that they’ll ever die. And, of course, there are hundreds of other stories about why children of divorce don’t receive an inheritance. Love is generally not equated with Loyalty in Divorced families the way it is in intact families.

After a divorced parent dies the grieving process for a Child of Divorce will also be different. A Will is a parent’s last words to his/her child. If there are no possessions or money this won’t be an issue. But, if no inheritance, no love, point blank. So the grieving process will bring up all the old crap from the divorce days/years/decades along with the current grieving process for a parent. Divorce is War. This is one of the many fall-outs from War usually decades after the War. Therapists don’t give a rats ass about the whole process because most therapists are 1) from intact families and 2) divorced themselves and so defensive that they will not worry themselves over this.

So, here is a start. The reviews are mixed and don’t really give much information about whether these books really are friendly to the kids. Different States have different rules and I don’t know if the books cover this. That’s why my Father maintained residency in Washington rather than California even though he had homes in both and had lived in Washington only a few years and had died in California. He wrote his will in Washington and it could have been contested in California.

Estate Planning for the Blended Family by L. Paul Hood Jr. and Emily Bouchard. (2012)

and

Estate Planning for Blended Families by Richard E. Barnes (NOLO Press, 2009)



4 Horsemen of Divorced Parents?

Here’s an interesting article from IFLScience! called “4 Behaviors Are the Most Reliable Predictors of Divorce.” These behaviors might describe personalities of your parents if they are divorced.

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/4-behaviors-are-the-most-reliable-predictors-of-divorce/

The article describes the qualities are Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling as most reliable indicators that a couple will divorce. People probably parent in a different way than they relate to a significant other so this might not indicate parenting style. But it does mean that a child from a divorce is most likely exposed to this style of relating to others themselves. So, if you find yourself feeling like a doormat, cutting people off in the middle of a conversation, feeling that your partner is a jerk in general, now you know where this comes from and that you yourself may soon divorce.

The Study was conducted by the Gottman Institute and a UC Berkeley professor, Robert Levenson, over a 14 year time span in the Midwest. Links are in the article.



Have You Seen Me?
July 11, 2013, 11:31 pm
Filed under: Abduction, Astrology stuff, Custody, Long Term Fallout, runaways

Pretty much the only support for children of divorce in U.S. society used to be found on the side of milk cartons. These would be the kids who were part of a custody hearing. Very very rarely one of these kids stories is picked up by news media and on these rare occasions the viewers are shown the parents who are fighting. The stories always focus on the parents feelings. It is assumed, I guess, that the kids know they are loved. Perhaps they receive therapy and meds in private.

In case you didn’t know, the majority of kids listed at the national center for missing and exploited children are from custody hearings. There is help for families involved in such traumatic experiences on the National Center for Missing & Abducted Children website.

According to astrology, abduction is ruled by the planet Pluto. One might also check the location of Persephone. The Moon and 4th house rule family so one might find a connection between these elements within the natal chart. It’s good to check transits and progressions to these planets and houses as well.

In astrology, runaways are ruled by much different planets. Venus and Uranus are thought to be the most common rulers. I might also expect to see mars (impulse) and Neptune (escape) involved. Neptune is often related to denial, which is the usual survival tactic of children of divorce so is maybe not connected with leaving the home. Venus generally needs harmony and balance so a child with this planet strong in the natal chart would run away from conflict. Uranus will do whatever is unexpected and shocking and will rely on friends and groups rather than parents and family.

The runaway energy is much different from the abducted energy. Moon and Pluto both rule water signs and are reactive, deep and emotional. Venus and Uranus both rule air and earth and are social and intellectual.

Even if the divorce is friendly it would be great to check to see if these particular elements are strong in the child’s chart. Suppressed stress and trauma might manifest during a later transit/cycle of the particular planets.



People in Their 40s Most Delinquent on Student Loans…Related to Divorce in Childhood?
July 20, 2012, 11:45 pm
Filed under: College Drop Out, Long Term Fallout, money, poverty

A Huffington Post article describes how people in their 40s currently have higher delinquency rates on their student loans than other age groups.

These people would be born between 1963 and 1973.  This means they were born at the peak of the Divorce Boom.  I wonder if any studies will ever be made which try to see if these defaults could be connected with long term fall out from growing up in divorce.

People who grew up in divorce have a higher drop out rate from college.  There could be multiple reasons for this the most obvious is because of money.  They may have to enter or re-enter college later on in life when they are already burdened with other responsibilities.

In addition there could be historical social/financial factors involved. There were recessions around 1973, 1981 and 1990 so maybe this generation just grew up with an extra weakened immunity to financial problems during their childhoods.  Divorce would have compounded the problems for them personally.  Kids going through their parents’ divorce often suddenly plummet into poverty in the years after the divorce.  I ‘ve discussed this before.  I even mentioned a study a while back that found that even a 1 month length of time living below the poverty line can cause serious damage to a child.

They may actually be at the age that their parents were when they divorced so are repeating the same behaviors on a subconscious level.

Perhaps the younger generations won’t suffer the same problems.  Times are special now because of the extended Recession/Depression.  I’d like to say that society has a more sophisticated attitude towards shielding kids from their parents’ life style choices, but I know on a personal level that this is not the reality.  Psychiatry seems to have turned to creating actual weaponry for the government through “Non Violent” tortures and interrogations, so is even less interested in helping kids from divorce than it was before.



“Being Flynn”

A couple of months ago I saw a really incredible but disturbing movie called Being Flynn.  It’s based on the real life story of a son who works in a homeless shelter and reconnects with his Father who comes in for help.  Robert DeNiro plays the Father and Julianne Moore plays the Mother.  Paul Dano plays the son.   Don’t know what he looks like in other roles but here he actually looks like someone who comes from divorce.  His posture, his attitude.  I stated before that I think that people from divorce generally have much different personalities from people who aren’t from divorce but never really thought that I attribute a certain type of physical look.

The original book on which the movie based is written by Nick Flynn and was originally titled Another Bullshit Night in Suck City.  Sorry, I’m very behind on my reading.  Flynn’s Mother committed suicide so his early life was extremely difficult.  Did I find his birth date?  Probably.  The astrology will be pretty interesting, if not beyond understanding.

Interesting website for the movie here.  Although this is a great movie I don’t recommend seeing it if you’re going through a difficult phase and especially if you’ve ever had to deal with suicide or homelessness or have known anyone who has.

Oh yeah, although I haven’t finished it, I really like the style of Flynn’s writing.



Mother’s Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  I meant to hunt down some articles but since there usually aren’t any that focus on divorce I let it go.  Did hear part of an interview on the radio.  Barbara Simpson interviews a rich woman on how to raise kids as a divorced parent.  It seemed like good advice.

Just read an article at Salon.com called “How I Met My Mother” by Taffy Brodesser-Akner.  The writer talks about how she and her Mother didn’t get along and that she didn’t understand or appreciate her Mother’s screaming until after the birth of her second son.  She says that her parents divorced when she was a child.  I can’t tell what age, it would have been maybe around Age 9 because she says they were married 10 years.  She says she was a difficult child and her Mother was a screamer.  She lived with her Father for a year at some point because of the tension in her relationship with her Mother.  And she is now also a screamer Mother.

Comments are interesting.  Someone said that her Mother was a screamer until the divorce and then was calm.  Another person gave the writer some possibly psychiatric diagnoses for both her and her Mother.  Turns out her Mother had a heart condition which might be a reason for the screaming.  There might be heart medications now that will help.

It’s just interesting to me how people discuss divorce, or don’t discuss it.  They will discuss all other levels of chaos and crises.  It’s like no one has the words to discuss it.  Oh well, on Mother’s Day you don’t really want to rock the boat anyway.



Ask Amy
November 21, 2011, 8:59 pm
Filed under: biological, Blame, Living with Grandparents, Long Term Fallout, Stepfamilies

The advice columnist Ask Amy tries to tackle the issues of how to deal with kids and divorce.  Her advice isn’t great because she doesn’t take a stand but at least she publishes articles from all sides, from the point of view of the parents that is.

The Biological Mother who resents the ex-StepMother calling the kids “her own:” 

The StepMother who resents not being able to call her stepdaughter’s kids her “Grand children.”  This one is interesting because the blame is placed on the daughter. No mention of how overwhelming it would feel to have to take car of your first child, your Mother’s resentment of the overbearing and needy step-mother, as well as the overbearing and needy step-mother.  Oh and there’s the noncomittal father who doesn’t give a shit but mostly blames his daughter for his wife’s b.s.  The message is written as if the Father had written it.  Which never happens because Father’s never intervene, so obviously the column is bogus.  Amy says that he can’t expect anyone to “reason” things out.  I think the daughter is being extremely reasonable about how much she really owes her parents.  She is probably trying to not repeat their mistakes, after all, and in that case, the girl-child can’t give into everyone else’s selfish needs all the time or she will end up hating her husband just the same way her Mother probably hates her Father.

Anyway, Amy does actually publish this stuff, so at least she’s not in denial that the issues exist.  Advice columnists, like Psychologists, are like large corporations.  They know where the bread is buttered and they side with the money.  Amy could tell the parents that their situation is simply way too stressful for most children to handle and to back off.  I guess that would get boring to read week after week.  And who wants to confront an overbearing woman who has taken on the role of “Stepmother?”