Spoiled Children of Divorce


Exemplary Children of Divorce – Raymond Chandler

Raymond Chandler is a 20th Century detective novel writer written in a “hard-boiled style.” Some of the titles were The Big Sleep, Farewell My Lovely, and The Long Good-Bye. One might expect that a writer would discuss his childhood a bit but in the book Raymond Chandler Speaking (Gardner and Walker, p.20) he gives two liners to each parent.

His father: “My father was a graduate of Penn, a civil engineer. Divorced when I was seven…Never saw my father again.”

His Mother: “My Mother soon after returned to England to live with her mother and manage the house, and of course I went with her.”

Chandler grew up in Chicago until he was 7 years old. His Father worked for the railroads and was drunk most of the time. Chandler wrote that he was “found drunk if he was found at all.” (Hiney, Tom. Raymond Chandler: A Biography, p. 4).

Chandler’s Mother was born in Ireland and they moved to Ireland to live with family after his Father disappeared for the last time. They had lost their house and were living in a hotel where the boy caught Scarlett Fever. Chandler’s Mother never talked about his Father again.

Chandler said that he had wished his Mother had remarried in London. “I know that my mother had affairs — she wa a very beautiful woman– and the only thing that I felt to be wrong was that she refused to marry again for fear a step-father would not treat me kindly, since my father was such a swine.” (Honey, Tom. Raymond Chandler: A Biography, p. 10)

Chandler had generous relatives and grew up in Britain. He and his Mother returned to the United States. He worked at several professions, getting fired for drinking himself. He didn’t write his first story until 1933 at Age 45. His first novel, The Big Sleep, was published when he was 51.

Chandler fell in love with the step-mother of a friend who was 18 years his senior. His Mother forbade the relationship so Chandler didn’t marry Cissy until after her death. When his wife died in 1954 Chandler attempted suicide.

Chandler died in 1959 of pneumonia which was brought on by alcoholism.



People in Their 40s Most Delinquent on Student Loans…Related to Divorce in Childhood?
July 20, 2012, 11:45 pm
Filed under: College Drop Out, Long Term Fallout, money, poverty

A Huffington Post article describes how people in their 40s currently have higher delinquency rates on their student loans than other age groups.

These people would be born between 1963 and 1973.  This means they were born at the peak of the Divorce Boom.  I wonder if any studies will ever be made which try to see if these defaults could be connected with long term fall out from growing up in divorce.

People who grew up in divorce have a higher drop out rate from college.  There could be multiple reasons for this the most obvious is because of money.  They may have to enter or re-enter college later on in life when they are already burdened with other responsibilities.

In addition there could be historical social/financial factors involved. There were recessions around 1973, 1981 and 1990 so maybe this generation just grew up with an extra weakened immunity to financial problems during their childhoods.  Divorce would have compounded the problems for them personally.  Kids going through their parents’ divorce often suddenly plummet into poverty in the years after the divorce.  I ‘ve discussed this before.  I even mentioned a study a while back that found that even a 1 month length of time living below the poverty line can cause serious damage to a child.

They may actually be at the age that their parents were when they divorced so are repeating the same behaviors on a subconscious level.

Perhaps the younger generations won’t suffer the same problems.  Times are special now because of the extended Recession/Depression.  I’d like to say that society has a more sophisticated attitude towards shielding kids from their parents’ life style choices, but I know on a personal level that this is not the reality.  Psychiatry seems to have turned to creating actual weaponry for the government through “Non Violent” tortures and interrogations, so is even less interested in helping kids from divorce than it was before.



Poem in Your Pocket Day – Pat Schneider
April 23, 2012, 12:12 am
Filed under: creativity, Mentors, poverty

While driving through a town on the California coast I stopped off at the local library to use the Internet. The library had put together an incredible display for Poem in Your Pocket Day at Poet’s.org. The librarians had printed out a bunch of poems, rolled them up with rubber bands and set up a sign instructing people to put the poem in their pockets.  On April 26 we’re supposed to share our poems with other people.

Following is the one I received. I had never heard of the poet before and really love this one.

The Patience of Ordinary Things

By Pat Schneider

It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes
Or toes.  How the soles of feet know
Where they’re supposed to be.
I’ve been thinking about the patience
Of ordinary things, how clothes
Wait respectfully in closets
And soak dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet
From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs.
And what is more generous than a window?

From Another River:  New and Selected Poems. 2005

Pat Schneider is a writer and teacher of writing who goes out of her way to help people living in poverty remain connected with their souls. She has held a workshop with single mothers who are living at homeless shelters and in jails.  She has written a book called Writing Alone With Others.

I’m not sure if Pat Schneider’s parents were ever married.  Her website talks about how she spent her early childhood in the country and moved with her Mother to the city when she was around ten years old.  Her family was destitute and she eventually ended up in an orphanage.  In spite of this story she managed to obtain a Master’s Degree and has raised a family, write and teach.

www.patschneider.com

More of Pat’s poems are linked to here.

Great inspiration.



Banning the “D” Word

Okay this is too much.  I thought that New Yorkers were intelligent.   I thought they liked to talk about stuff.  I thought that it was only the Man-Childs and Baby-Womans of the California Dreamin’ crowd who couldn’t put up with the feelings of real live children.

But, no Edna, the New York City Schools have decided to join the herd.  For religious reasons.

CNN reports that the public school systems in New York are planning on banning the word “Divorce” from all school tests.

For one, as any Child of Divorce knows, talking about one’s parents’ divorce is simply not done.  People can’t handle the info.  Shrinks especially. Except when discussing how those kids are so spoiled, they get everything they want, you know, because of the guilt.

For two, and this is because of “For one”, the word Divorce probably doesn’t exist on the tests in the first place because Children of Divorce probably didn’t graduate from College and so did not write the tests.

The kids now have my express permission to write “The Death of my Parents’ Marriage” in stead of Divorce as answers on all of their written tests.  When the teacher wants to discuss your suicidal feelings please write “The Death of my Parents’ Marriage destroyed my desire to live because I now know that the Love that they profess for me is a shallow and transitory thing and could change on a dime if I screw up in any way.  I may even have to pay alimony if I complain.”

Maybe Divorce is more Scorpio than Uranian.  You put it in that clump along with other House 8 social secrets that nobody can talk about.  Namely:  Sex, Death and Taxes.  Rather:  Daddy’s Girlfriends’ Big Boobs; Mommy’s Alcoholism, Depression and Early Death from Destructive Lifestyle choices;  Tax Deduction #1 and Tax Deduction #2; the School Administrators’ deep and darkest desires to silence all feelings except their own. And the biggest of all:  “Power Trips.”

Not only is “Divorce” the big elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about, but, so are the kids.  They’re just kids.  They’ll get over it.  Don’t let them ever, ever talk about it, at least.

The words on the list of 50 banned words are said to be “Loaded.”  Loaded, as in guns?  Read the article and be prepared to drop your jaw wide open in disbelief.  Here’s the paragraph which explains why “Divorce” can’t be allowed.

Halloween may suggest paganism; divorce may conjure up uneasy feelings for children in the midst of a divorce within their family. One phrase that may surprise many, the term “Rock ‘n’ Roll” was on the “avoid” list.



Children of Divorce and The Great Recession

1.46 million people in the United States are living on $2 a day.  This equals $60 a month.  Or $720 a year.

These numbers are provided by a Survey of Income and Program Participation which is conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau.   This is called “Extreme Poverty” by Financial experts.  Apparently food stamps and housing subsidies are provided by social services for those who can think straight and find the help they need on their own.  At this level there are other problems, like self esteem, which make going through the bureaucratic b.s of getting these things difficult.  And, the social services are pretty much taken over by the illegals at this point anyway.

I can’t exactly understand the details of “extreme poverty.”  Kids from this section make up about 14 percent of all kids who live in normal “poverty.”  I guess those kids are exposed to cash.  I do know that kids who are going through Divorce right now during what is called the Great Recession, are hardest hit.  Parents lose their jobs, their house.  One parent becomes too weak to survive and breaks off from the stronger parent. Who knows where the kids end up?

from http://www.wsws.org/articles/2012/feb2012/pove-f25.shtml:

“Children have been especially hard hit. The brief estimates that “about 2.8 million children lived in extreme poverty at the beginning of 2011.… This was roughly 16 percent of all children in poverty.” The number of households with children in extreme poverty has risen sharply since November 2008. The study dismisses the notion that the American safety net “is strong, or even adequate, when one in five poor households with children are living without meaningful cash income.”

As to the demographics of families living in destitution, the NPC researchers found that 37 percent of the households in extreme poverty in 2011 were headed by a married couple and 51 percent by a single female.

Some 48 percent of these households were headed by white non-Hispanics, 25 percent by African Americans and 22 percent by Hispanics in 2011. “

A USA Today article on the same topic written by Marisol Bello (http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-02-23/extreme-poverty-increase/53227386/1).

describes how Children of Divorce are among the worst hit of this sector as it takes into account people who live in poverty over a one month period.
Here’s a blurb:

“Robert Rector, senior research fellow at the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, says most aid to the poor today is in non-cash assistance. Last year, he says, the federal and state government spent $900 billion on 70 programs that assist the poor, from health care and food stamps to energy assistance and college grants.

“When you look at that type of family, you don’t see the type of deprivation this study suggests,” he says.

Because the study shows households in extreme poverty for a month, it is more reflective of people losing jobs, getting divorced or having short-term crises, he says.

Shaefer says, “We are trying to document the growth in deep poverty. … Even one month living at this level is concerning.'”

Did you see that mention of the Big D?  Go back and look again, it seems to pass by too many people’s eyes.  G-E-T-T-I-N-G D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D.   Cut it out and show it to your shrink.  Oh Yeah, you can’t afford to go to the shrink.

Another USAToday article says that Child Homelessness is up 33% in the last 3 years.

The states where homeless children fare the best are Vermont, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota and Maine.

It finds the worst states for homeless children are Southern states where poverty is high, including Alabama, Mississippi and Arkansas, and states decimated by foreclosures and job losses, such as Arizona, California and Nevada.

Kids in these types of households need to be encouraged to find guidance outside the home through books and music and art and by developing adventurous spirits.  I think I wrote about Charlie Chaplin who talks about his childhood with parents with mental illness and a divorce.  He developed a strong bond with his brother in London.  E.O Wilson, one of the greatest sociobiologists of all time, also says in his autobiography that if he hadn’t been allowed to wander around the countryside he wouldn’t have developed any of the ideas which he invented.  Of course, he lost an eye due to neglect, but I guess that’s another story.



“May die 2day”

Taboo subject here.  Even more forbidden than trying to seek help about how to deal with abusive step-parents.

This article is about a Mother who couldn’t get food stamps to feed her 2 children.  During an almost 7 hour stand off at the Welfare Office in Laredo, Texas, Rachel Grimmer’s 12-year old daughter posted a few frightening messages on her Facebook account about what she was going through as Mommy waves her gun around in despair.  At one point, she says she’s bored.  Guess perhaps she grew up listening to threatening rants.

At around midnight the Mother shot her two children, the 12 year old daughter and the 10 year old son in the head.  They have survived but are both in critical condition.  Ms. Grimmer then shot and killed herself.  I guess the welfare office supervisor wasn’t harmed.

Obviously, the Social Worker could have used some training.  He’s obviously telling lies all over the place about what was done to help.  And there are obviously some racial issues going on here.

The kid in this situation doesn’t ask for help, probably would resist it if it were offered, and it won’t be offered anyway because family, friends, and psychoblabbers  can’t stand the drama or even actually are amused by it.

The article tries to make sense out of the relationship between this family and the welfare system and it can’t.  It’s so unbelievable it sounds like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

This brings up a lot of issues.  But, for right now,  I pray that those kids will recover.

Here’s a good article from Australia about Filicide.  That’s people who kill their children.  Talks about connection with Divorce.  And the tendency for everyone around, friends, family, therapists, etc., to go into denial, or at least do nothing.   The grandmother wrote back on Facebook to her granddaughter that she was “there for you.”   She could have at least told the kid to take her brother and go hide or to fake a convulsion to distract the adults.

“Mental Health, Filicide, Parental Separation and Divorce:  The need for early intervention and a better coordinated approach.” by Dr. Daniell Tyson and Prof. Thea Brown.

EDIT added December 28, 2011:  Both of Rachel Grimmer’s children died within 2 days of the shooting.  May they Rest in Peace.



Brazil Feeds Girls From Broken Homes to Men Being Held in Jail

Read an article in USAToday which said that child abuse tends to go up when the country is in recession.  The article says that most of the abuse is aimed against babies and very young children as their parents can’t handle the stress of financial problems and caring for a child.  Why don’t pediatricians ever talk out about this type of problem as it is connected with Divorce.  Doesn’t matter I suppose.  My parents divorced during a recession so maybe the excuse is that I was abused because of the financial problems and not because of the divorce.  The type of mentality that can separate this stuff is called “Denial.”  Nobody practices “denial” more than folks connected with the medical profession — that’s only my opinion.

Really scary stories coming out of Brazil.  A 14 year old girl was released from a jail on Saturday night after being held in prison for 4 days.  She was gang raped the entire time by a group of men who were also in her cell.  Apparently this is typical.  The police capture young women on minor or even false charges in order to feed the men who are being kept in the jails.  A 15 year old girl was arrested (I originally wrote “captured” in stead of arrested because that’s a more accurate description) on Oct. 21, 2007 and held for weeks in a cell with 21 men.

Another time a 23 year old prostitute was held for a month as well.

This article describes how both the 15 year old and 23 year old victims were naturals for being victims of this type of crime because they come from “Broken Homes” and had been molested by step-fathers.

In the U.S., of course, nothing like this could possibly happen.  Nah, never.

I’ve discussed before the relationship I’ve noticed how the news of women who are murdered by Husbands/Boyfriends often seem to come from Broken Homes.  Even without the molestation from the step-father this seems to be a trend.  There’s  a statistic floating around on the internet which backs up my theory but haven’t got a clue if it’s accurate.

What’s fascinating about all the articles which discuss child abuse is that they never seem to come with information that will help the victims.  It seems that if a kid is reading that type of thing he/she should be given some advice.  Guess they can’t do that because the kids from intact homes will hog up all the services.  Kids with healthy self-esteem scream loudest.