Spoiled Children of Divorce


Female Boxer Shot By Her Step-Father
April 6, 2011, 8:05 pm
Filed under: Leaving the "Nest", Long Term Fallout, step-, Stepfamilies, Violence | Tags: ,

A Female Boxer, who is undefeated in her country of Germany, was shot by her Step-Father/Ex-Manager on April 1, 2011. Rola El-Halabi is 25 years old and her career may be cut short because the Step-Father strategically shot her in her hand and knee.   She had separated from her Step-Father professionally in January it seems because of some issue he had with the guys she dated. Story.

I wish Rola El-Halabi a full recovery and freedom from all anger and blame so that she may continue to excel in her life.  It’s not worth holding on to these problems.  She probably already knows that.  And if she doesn’t she will probably show up and punch my brains out.

Sort of reminds me of the story I posted about the Step-Father who crashed in on his Step-Daughter relationship with her boyfriend.  The Boyfriend’s Step-Father video-taped the encounter and the whole thing became public because the girl’s Step-Father was a cop.

Detectives say that in situations of family violence Step-Fathers tend to be the first person to look at for responsibility.  I admit that’s a drag.  What if they are innocent?  Since wealthy people are said these days to be least likely to get divorced I suppose this is true, though.  Poorer people have less impulse control probably.

The extra-added emotional tension of the step- situation perhaps sends the whole thing over the edge.  The psychologists would probably say that there’s no difference between step- and bio- (because there are probably so few Children of Divorce in the psych professions).  In the U.S. Psychologists are trying to eradicate the “Step-” part of the word.  They say it brings on negative connotations in social situations.  People are working even harder to fake like they like and respect each other.  In many situations they probably do, or at least it would be a situation similar to adoption.

However, this would also make the step-child identity even more difficult for the child to articulate.  Children have limited vocabularies, after all.  They understand the word “Love” as simply “Love”  Not as “Flirting” “Dating” “Sex” “Engagement” “Marriage” “Couples Therapy” “Cheating” “Betrayal” “7 year Itch” “Boredom” “Jealousy” “Abandonment” “Divorce”.  They have absolutely no sense of how these things happen in certain orders because they have experienced them as things that happen to the people who take them to the zoo and who feed, shelter and reprimand them.  And they’ve learned about it all within a very short window of time.   Who wouldn’t want two Fathers and two Mothers to “Love”  even though they all hate each other?

I’m also reminded of Julie Andrews who also developed a successful career because of help from her Step-Father.  She also admits in her memoir that he sexually molested her, or at least tried, I forget which.  The sexual feelings between Step-parents and their step-children.  There’s something to talk about which has to remain unsaid.  I suppose bio parents also molest their children, but I suspect that there is a much higher incidence between step-families and incest.  New TV Movie, Mildred Pierce, which shows the step-daughter as evil witch.  Of course, it takes place in California in the 1930s.  And California is one of the only states in the U.S. that doesn’t track information about Divorce…



NPR Show on Step-Families

This wasn’t the best Talk of the Nation show that I’ve ever listened to on NPR radio, but, at least they’re trying.

Neal Conan interviews Brenda Ockun of Stepmom magazine and Andrew Cherlin, writer of The Marriage-Go-Round.  The point of the show is to market blended families to the public by saying that the word “Step” creates a negative stigma that needs to be dropped.  Both interviewees represent the Step-Parents’ points of view and were honestly trying to discuss how difficult the situation can be. Ockun seemed sort of nervous to be interviewed but speaks from a pretty honest point of view.  Cherlin said that it typically takes 7 years for a blended family to get used to each other.  If he had said, wow, that’s a huge chunk of your kids’ or your partners’ kids’ childhoods to screw up, isn’t it?  I would have felt that he was being fair.  As it is, I felt that this old school of narcissistic attitudes towards families is still as abusive (in a passive aggressive way, of course) as it always was.  Beating the square peg into the round hole kind of thing.

The callers who phoned in seemed to represent a wide variety of situations.  I don’t remember any bio Mothers calling in, which is telling.

Two phone calls came in from children who had grown up in blended families.  The first was a guy who said that as an adult he avoids his step-family (alcohol).  The second was a woman who tried to honestly describe her situation with her step- or half-siblings who came from an earlier marriage of one or more parents.  Interviewer Conan somehow twisted the situation around to get her to admit that she manipulated her parents into giving her stuff.  It was weird, actually seemed blatantly sexist because he waited to pick on the female, but typical of how NPR has aged out of progressive thinking.  That old Spoiled child thing.  Makes me feel grumpy.  Wish they had said that it’s important for the parents to have at least a year of counseling/education before committing their kids to the misery.

There were no distinctions made about the difference between blended families that come from death of a parent as opposed to blended families that come from divorce.  But, they really didn’t discuss Divorce at all.  Isn’t that weird?  As I said, it was a bad interview.  And I think that people are trying to heal people without trying to looking at what’s ailing them.  Do most parents really think of their children as household pets?