Of the 9 Justices on the U.S. Supreme Court only one, Clarence Thomas, is a Child of Divorce. Thomas’ Father left the family when Thomas was 2 years old. This is the same age that President Obama was when his parents divorced. Amazingly they are both Black and also follow my theories of how children whose parents divorce at Age 2 are markedly imprinted by their first Mars Returns. Mars rules the first sign of the Zodiac and is considered a trailblazer. He likes to be first at things. Both of these men have achieved many “Firsts” in their career paths. Their wikipedia biographies are basically lists of what they did first. Neither man was born with a chart which strongly shows a trailblazer type of personality so I think these early events may truly influence children later in life.
So, in a country with a 50 percent Divorce rate the legal system is awash in Divorces. Yet, the people who are making the decisions and leading in the Judicial System, the ones who garner respect for their opinions, come from traditional family mentality.
The Divorce rate in California is said to be between 65 and 75 percent yet our Governors have never been from Divorce (they’ve never even been women) and our Laws are decided by people who are rarely from Divorce. There are many reasons why this could be, of course, I’m not going to ponder that but it sure would be interesting to see some statistics some day which would explain why.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor did suffer loss of parents and siblings during their childhoods, however. Death does not require a lawyer, Divorce does, so perhaps they were able to enter their fields without a totally jaded viewpoint about how twisted the Judicial system is. Of course, if you don’t participate you never will be able to change things.
Filed under: Courts, Custody, Living with Grandparents, Relationship with Father, relationship with Mother, Total Weirdness
If a couple in England plans to have children then they had better not get married. The courts have completed a new study which rewrites the laws to try to put the welfare of the children first. Boy, this is really shocking.
A review on family justice which was headed by a man named David Norgrove has just published a 220-page study on divorce which is intended to become law. I’m not sure if it actually is law at this point or is just pointing out that current studies show what is actually best for the children. And that’s scary.
The study suggests that couples do their own divorces rather than jam up the legal system. I’m sure if they could, they would, but anyone who has seen a divorce from a kid’s point of view knows that parents going through a divorce don’t exactly think in logical, straight lines.
Nearly half of all British children will become Children of Divorce by the time they are 16 years old. That’s higher than in the U.S.
Britain has free health care and can track children’s health better so probably can truly look at the effects of divorce on children. One of the following links says that 75 percent of children are said to suffer significantly from their parents’ divorces.
Grandparents have very restricted access to their grandchildren and will have to apply through the courts for access to visit grandchildren. There’s something in this that I’m not understanding. In the U.S. I doubt that Grandparents create worse conditions. I think that kids whose Grandparents let them live with them are in better shape a lot of the time. I think that this might be true if there is only one boy in the family, because Grandmothers probably favor their grandsons. That might not be true, but, who knows? There aren’t any studies in the U.S.
I’m not sure what the study actually has to say about this but there appears to be a tightening on father’s rights as parents. It has been decided that children suffer too much from being shuffled back and forth between households so Fathers will have less access to their children.
I agree that the shuttling back and forth seems nuts to me, but I think that it works in some families. It’s great that the courts are aware of this and it’s too bad the parents and the shrinks stayed in denial on this one. In the U.S. there are studies about how boys suffer from divorce because they don’t have Father figures, so I doubt that back-peddling into the single Mother household mentality helps. Boys end up hating themselves if they have to see how much their Mothers suffer because they are alone.
To be honest, I doubt that daughters will suffer too much by having limited access to their step-mothers and step-sisters in most cases.
I think that it’s much more important for courts to make certain that remarriages don’t screw kids out of their education, healthcare, and inheritances, than by trying to intervene and deny parent-child relationships. Those are areas which I think a court should write in to the law. If the parents can’t provide an emotionally safe situation for their kids then I don’t think that the courts will help by controlling who has access to the kids. In the end, I agree with Norgrove, but I don’t think that his study is coming up with the correct solutions.
It would definitely make sense if Britain completely got rid of marriage since the divorce rate is so high anyway.
About 4 years ago a 14 year old girl went missing. Her name was Alycia Mesiti-Allen. Alycia and her older brother went through 8 years of moving around as their parents struggled to get their lives together and eventually divorced. On November 22, 2005 a court made the decision to hand both children over to the care of their Father and they went to live with him in Central Inland California. Thing is, the Father ran a Meth lab and he was violent and the children and their Mother had been running from shelter to shelter trying to get away from him. The Mother also had some problems, no doubt in part related to the abuse that she suffered from her violent husband. She didn’t have enough money to pay for an attorney so couldn’t represent herself in court. (I suppose if one can pay for a lawyer one is considered the better parent by the courts, even if one gets one’s money from cooking Meth at home instead of dinner).
Alycia went missing on Aug. 14, 2006. Because the Father said that she had gone on a camping trip and had run away, the police dropped the case. Alycia’s body wasn’t found until the police detective handling the case retired and a new detective reviewed it. Alycia’s body was discovered in the back yard of the house where her Father had lived on Mar. 25th, 2009 (Ceres, CA). It is thought that she was murdered by her Father.
So, Alycia’s Mother is trying to have the case reviewed by the courts. Since he’s already in jail on drug charges they won’t be bothered (this is murder, isn’t it?) Alycia’s Mother also wants low income families to have representation in court.
“We do not want another child to meet Alycia’s fate, nor do we want another family to suffer this incomprehensible pain because of mistakes made in family court. We want low income families to have a chance at fairness in court proceedings. So far, judicial and legal officials in Santa Clara County have turned a deaf ear to our pleadings. How can they be so complacent about the preventable murder of a defenseless and innocent child?”
An article with more detail about the case is here.
I wish Alycia’s Mother much healing and thank her for her activism. I wish Alycia’s brother well. And I hope that the Courts will pay attention and try to review how they deal with representation of lower income parents.
Rest in Peace, Alycia.
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, Birth Order, Courts, money, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Prostitution, separate households, Violence
Between Apr. 10 and April 16 three women were bound and robbed in Hotel Rooms in Boston, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. They had all advertised as masseuses on CraigsList. One of the victims, Julissa Brisman, was shot multiple times and subsequently murdered. The other two women survived. 23 year old medical student Philip Markoff has been traced to all 3 attacks and is currently being held in jail. A gay man is also said to have contact with Markoff through an email (news about that is sketchy right now).
The media is going on and on about Markoff’s impending marriage which was to be held in August. It sounds as if Markoff’s family history is quite strained as well and, although, I can’t find the full picture, this is what I’ve figured out so far. The information may change. One thing is certain: Markoff is a Child of D.
People are blind sided by Markoff’s Double Personality. (Why are people never blind-sided by a Double Childhood that results from growing up in a Divorce?) Markoff is described as being very nice, clean cut, sort of nerdy (there’s that nerdy description again applied to a Child of D).
As an aside, I’ve tried to find information about Markoff’s alleged victims’ childhood status to see if they also were from Divorce. His alleged Murder victim, Julissa Brisman, had the same last name as her Father while her Mother’s last name is given as Guzman so there is a possibility that Julissa’s parents are divorced. In that case, it is not surprising that, like Markoff, Julissa led a double life. Her friends, apparently, had no idea that she worked as a masseuse. Children of D grow up as involuntary voyeurs of sorts. They witness much behavior in their families that can’t be discussed with anyone else due to extreme emotional behaviors, secrets, allegiances, betrayals, loyalities that it is not surprising to see how double lives can manifest later in life. Innocence doesn’t exist for Children of D. Distorted sense of lack of positive authority figures also is lacking. In a very few people this experience of childhood into extremely advanced states of consciousness and wisdom. In others it can cause problems as the child continues to show signs of normalcy to the outside world. And who knows? Maybe Markoff (assuming he’s guilty of course) is just a bad egg.
It would be interesting to know whether or not Markoff’s fiancee is from a Divorce or Intact family just for comparison’s sake but she’s going through enough Hell right now and doesn’t need any more scrutiny.
Markoff’s parents were divorced when he was very young. I don’t have an age. Right now I just know that it happened before he was 5 years old because that’s when his Mother gave birth to his sister who was his Step-Father’s child.
I’ve read that Markoff’s Father, Richard Markoff, is a Dentist so that probably puts Markoff in a wealthy class on his Father’s side. I’ve read that his Mother is or was a Casino worker. That definitely means that his Mother is not wealthy. If it’s true it paints a much different attitude toward money in that household and that Markoff would have constantly tried to reconcile two great schisms of class into his life (all the while trying to grow up). Children of D often grow up in two completely different financial classes. One can pretty accurately assume that the poor parent expresses great resentment over the other parent’s financial status. Even if that doesn’t happen, the child is a witness who is stuck in between. This can create detachment and just plain old weird behavior.
Markoff has an older brother, Jon, from his parents’ marriage. It seems that Jon is his closest relative. News reports showed that the Brother spent the most time visiting with Markoff in jail. Siblings in Divorce often have to take over as supports. One might imagine that Markoff’s parents probably can’t stand each other and are adding to the tension for Markoff. Anybody who has endured bringing both parents together for family “celebrations” like graduations and weddings knows how tense those situations are. Imagine if you’ve just been stuck in jail for murder and need emotional support from self-absorbed parents. At any rate, the Rich Dentist Father is probably so tired of hearing from the Mother about financial support problems that he’s not about to help his kid out here (my assumption about situation which is hopefully wrong).
Both of Markoff’s parents reportedly have remarried which means that Markoff was blessed with Step-Parents on both sides. Maintaining a sweet, nerdy disposition was probably Markoff’s greatest survival tool during childhood. He made everyone comfortable and was well liked for never making a fuss.
Markoff’s older brother reportedly moved in with his Father and Wife while Markoff lived with his Mother and her Husband. Don’t know what age.
When the oldest child moves out this can possibly show a couple of things. Who knows if they apply in Markoff’s case. First thing to think about is that the household that the only child is leaving is problematic. Second, the younger sibling will go through feelings of rejection, loneliness and grief over having been left behind. There could have been money problems, addictions, gambling, lack of compatibility.
By Age 5, Markoff had a younger half-sister through his Mother and Step-Father. So there are birth order changes as is typical of step-families.
Markoff’s Mother is said to have split from his Step-Father four years ago. Her last name at the time was Carroll. I heard on a News Cast that her current last name is Haines so perhaps she has remarried or perhaps the media just couldn’t get the all the family mish-mash information straight.
Either way, it looks right now as if Markoff’s Mother’s 2d divorce would have occurred in 2005. This is the same year that Markoff is said to have met his Fiancee. I believe he would have been around 19 years old.
One of my most prominent memories from my parents’ divorce was the discussion over the Child Support. This is a real bartering tool during Divorce and lets the children know exactly how much they are valued.
So, I was reminded of it by reading this gossip column/forum type thingee concerning a Celebrity Divorce. Although it’s a bunch of anonymous people ranting anonymously on the Internet it actually does remind me of the types of verbal “considerations” that were going on in my family. And no doubt in my community.
The link to the article is here:
http://www.starpulse.com/sp_comments/viewcomments.php?object_id=91276.
The Celebrity involved is Baby Phat dress designer Kimora Lee Simmons. She has two daughters with her ex-husband Russell Simmons. She won a Child Support settlement of $480,000 “for her children.”
The discussion, of course, discussed how the children would obviously be brought up as spoiled rich kids. I doubt this discussion would have happened if their parents had remained married. It just totally amazes me that people will pick on kids who are going through this situation. No one, absolutely no one on the board felt any sense of loss for the children. After Death, I doubt that these people would have discussed the Children’s financial situation.
Of course, the Mother, Kimora was ripped to shreds. All the usual. She was called a gold digger, a slut, a bad mother. People were saying they would no longer buy her clothes. People, I suppose, expect her to be a victim. Women work well in that situation. I assume that most of the people on the forum were females but on the Internet you never know. This may just be a publicity stunt. At any rate, the comments were very accurate discussions of how people in communities discuss their friends’ divorces. Some of the participants were praising her shrewdness. Marriage is a business deal, after all. Everyone took a side.
Filed under: Abandonment, Alcoholism, Bad Children of Divorce, Courts, Custody, indifferent parents, Mentally Ill parents, Possible Personality Traits of Children of D., Uncategorized, Violence
Tess Damm is the Colorado teenager who allowed her boyfriend to murder her Mother. The teenagers than put the Mother’s body in the car and partied for about a month before neighbors called authorities. Tess’s Mother was what sounds like a raging alcoholic and her boyfriend, an adopted boy from India, had a split personality. I talked briefly about Tess Damm a while back and went back to see if I could find any new information about her situation as regards to her parent’s divorce because obviously this was an impossible situation which led to tragedy.
I found an article about Tess’ Father, Michael Damm, who left her Mother, Linda Juergens, when Tess was around 1 1/2 years old.
http://www.dailycamera.com/news/2007/mar/02/damms-father-i-dont-know-those-people/
The Father’s attitude towards his daughter was totally distant. He said that “he didn’t know those people.” As is typical in Divorced families the Father can’t handle the stress of maintaining a relationship with the Mother who is totally insane. And he simply disappears. I tend to see how this is a practical way to lead one’s life. Unfortunately, from the child’s point of view this is very destructive.
According to the article, Tess’ parents married on June 29, 1991. Tess was born a month later so obviously she was a “mistake” child. The Father walked out in September 1992. He tried to maintain a long distance relationship with his daughter and was given what looks to me like very difficult rules to follow in order to do that. For example, he had to give 30 days’ notice in order to visit. Juergens filed for divorce in April, 1999. That’s a long time to remain separated so I sort of assume that he really was having struggling with trying to maintain connection with his daughter at least.
I wonder if it’s easier if these parents just cut the cord quickly. The child then doesn’t build up any false hopes and can live with reality much better. Of course, the best option would have been if he had been given custody since it sounds like he was the more stable parent but who knows? He may have been as unstable as the Mother.
The Father at the time of the writing is now living in Wisconsin, is remarried and has more children with his current wife. He talked very coldly about his daughter’s situation which I think is the attitude that a lot of Children of D receive from the missing parent. The child must suffer the Loss like a Death but also the Rejection of being Unworthy. The Father said he hadn’t talked to her in 10 years and didn’t intend to reestablish a relationship now. At any rate, one can see the Father’s coldness being projected into the mind of a daughter who plotted and carried out her own Mother’s death. He is quoted as saying:
“I have a family, and I’m living and loving life in Wisconsin,” he said. “I moved out of that situation when (Tess) was about 2.”
He is quoted repeatedly as saying that he has moved on in life. His Mother, Tess’ Grandmother, was also interviewed as saying that the family had moved on. Tess really was worth nothing to her family. Most Children of D don’t kill their parents, but they do share a similar style relationship with one of their parents.
The great philosopher Martin Buber said that the greatest evil in the world comes not from bad deeds but from indifference.
Spoiled Children of Divorce 