Spoiled Children of Divorce


Heartbreaking Mother/Daughter Talk

Okay, so this is real. You’ll never hear one of the get help people talk about it. But, it’s real. I’ve overheard similar things. I’ve lived similar things.

https://blend.oola.com/restaurants/2386541/waiters-share-the-most-messed-up-thing-theyve-overheard-while-serving?utm_campaign=ola-quo-d-us-bdf8ae4a&utm_content=2026&utm_source=quo&utm_term=ola-quo-d-us-bdf8ae4a.tl51xahv.



Mr. Rogers Versus Mandated Reporters

Mr. Rogers had a way of talking with little kids that comforted the parents. In Divorce this is essential for the health of the child. Parents of Divorce Children are very busy and preoccupied. They are doing the best they can, but it is essential that they talk with their children about the divorce and about their own behaviors while trying to encourage the child to speak about his/her feelings and observations.

While working around some children I couldn’t help but notice that they will start talking about their parents and the divorce almost immediately if given a chance. It sounded like a cry for help to me. But, I didn’t feel I had the right to get involved. Children want an adult to discuss this stuff with. In one case I happened to tell someone who was a mandated reporter about one of the children. I wasn’t aware of the mandated reporter thing. Without any discussion, the child was removed from the problem parents’ custody within a day or two. I don’t know whether this was already in the works and that I had nothing to do with any of it, but the child stopped talking to me. The child was also crying a lot and the custodial parent became fairly grumpy. It’s surprising to me that most children of divorce will openly discuss what is going on at home and, although they speak about it in simple terms, they sound very stressed out. I guess most adults will hear a child say “My Mother is sick. I don’t see my Father very much. My parents are getting a divorce” and still not understand that an adult going through 3 such stressors would be drinking, yelling, calling in sick to work, going to the shrink, medicating, and who knows what else. For some reason, when a child says this most people ignore it. Maybe they tell the child to hang tight while their parents get their act together. This, of course, can take five years.

That is why I recommend that parents watch Mr. Rogers’ episodes on dealing with divorce. His understanding is kind of stupid. He makes a big point out of assuring the child that he/she is not to blame for the parents’ split. That applies to only a percentage of children, not all. In some cases a parent leaves because he/she can’t handle children, or they can’t handle having children with the ex so they vanish from the life. And the child knows it. And internalizes it because it is taboo to talk about and nobody can do anything to help. It’s amazing how the Blame Thing is the only element that gets through to adults. Obviously it’s a projection which arises from the Divorce because Blame is a huge fighting factor in the courts. It spills over on to the kids either directly or indirectly through observation.

At any rate, it’s best for a parent to talk with one’s children directly unless one wants one’s children discussing their problems with Social Workers. If the parent tell their kids that they are not to blame one can expect that a step-parent will come along who will.

In the end, let’s face it. Things go on behind divorced walls that aren’t good parenting. When the child goes to school they compare themselves to the other kids who are living much simpler lives. Okay, so that’s another stressor in addition to switching parents/home twice a week, having to talk about friends and school twice, having to monitor parents’ feelings about what happened while with the other parent…

Okay, okay, so there is stuff that Mr. Rogers doesn’t talk about…Kids going through divorce need extra parenting, not less. Instead, they get extra parents, which can often lead to even more stress. Would be great if schools would allow a child to talk with an interested third party without fear of mandated reporting.



Abducted Children of Divorce

Have never seen an interview on a TV show of the massive quantities of children who are abducted by a parent during a custody battle but always wanted know what their experiences were like. Guess they might do everything to avoid receiving anymore drama in life so would make for a boring interview? We used to read the “Have You Seen Me?” posts on the sides of the milk cartons. I remember feeling really jerked around when I discovered that most of the kids are custody abductions. Makes me wonder if abducted children tend to be lactose intolerant.

The FBI calls this phenomenon “Domestic Custodial-Motivated Child Abductions” and talks about it here: https://leb.fbi.gov/2013/august/domestic-custodial-motivated-child-abductions. It seems the children learn early on about retaliation and threats in relationships. The FBI gives examples of actual abductions and law enforcement’s heroic role in fetching them. The children in the examples are all babies so they don’t remember it. (Astrology-wise, that gives super power to the Moon in a natal chart — nobody wants to hear the astrology. So what. Means that they probably love milk, though)

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children says that 6 percent of the 20,500 missing children cases in 2016 were domestic abductions. 90 percent of the missing children cases were endangered runaways. They don’t say how many runaways are from single parent families. Of the runaways, one in six were probably abducted into the sex trafficking trade. 86 percent of those were in the care of Social Services. There is no mention of whether they were from single parent households. The link for this info is here: https://leb.fbi.gov/2013/august/domestic-custodial-motivated-child-abductions.

Much of the Statistics I want are supplied on the blog The Fatherless Generation. Don’t know if this information is accurate. It’s absolutely terrifying though.
https://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/.

Okay, so you know that you are loved and wanted. Many Children of Divorce are just in the way or grow up knowing that they are a burden. And, yes, some have it all figured out and are spoiled rotten.

In the end, most Children of Divorce are not from either of these situations. Nobody knows what they are feeling because nobody ever asks and in order to survive they have had to suppress their own feelings about the situation. This keeps the pharmaceutical industry in business and is probably why there is no good art anymore. Just my opinion, of course.



Estate Planning Help for Families of Divorce

Lawyers just do as they are told. If a ten times divorced rich guy shows up at the office and wants to leave all his money to his 3d wife and her hamster, the lawyer will write up the will that way. Rich people tend to love money and power, maybe just money. Often they don’t like their kids as much. Some people are just in denial that they’ll ever die. And, of course, there are hundreds of other stories about why children of divorce don’t receive an inheritance. Love is generally not equated with Loyalty in Divorced families the way it is in intact families.

After a divorced parent dies the grieving process for a Child of Divorce will also be different. A Will is a parent’s last words to his/her child. If there are no possessions or money this won’t be an issue. But, if no inheritance, no love, point blank. So the grieving process will bring up all the old crap from the divorce days/years/decades along with the current grieving process for a parent. Divorce is War. This is one of the many fall-outs from War usually decades after the War. Therapists don’t give a rats ass about the whole process because most therapists are 1) from intact families and 2) divorced themselves and so defensive that they will not worry themselves over this.

So, here is a start. The reviews are mixed and don’t really give much information about whether these books really are friendly to the kids. Different States have different rules and I don’t know if the books cover this. That’s why my Father maintained residency in Washington rather than California even though he had homes in both and had lived in Washington only a few years and had died in California. He wrote his will in Washington and it could have been contested in California.

Estate Planning for the Blended Family by L. Paul Hood Jr. and Emily Bouchard. (2012)

and

Estate Planning for Blended Families by Richard E. Barnes (NOLO Press, 2009)



Tragedy in Florida – Trayvon Martin
March 26, 2012, 10:56 pm
Filed under: multiple households, separate households, teenagers, Total Weirdness, Violence

It seems that Florid is extra hard on Children of Divorce.  Kids from divorced families are often wandering around, trying to escape tensions at home.  It seems that the Florida community can’t handle this.

A while back, I wrote a post about the high school senior, Taylor Weinman, who was stalked by the police for more than a month and then arrested and held by house arrest for more than a year.  Taylor was skateboarding around the neighborhood in the middle of the night, back and forth from his mother and father’s houses, during a time when people’s cats were being mauled.  The media convicted and humiliated Tyler.  Everyone called him the Cat Murderer. 

A reader left a message on the blog entry I wrote giving an update on Tyler’s criminal status.  Turns out a forensics expert determined that stray dogs were responsible for the cat killings.  Tyler was exonerated of the crimes.  He was arrested right before his high school graduation and missed a couple of keys years in there.  Last report I read he was planning to go to College.  Hope he made it and is doing well.

Here’s another story even more tragic.  Trayvon Martin was 17 years old.  I believe he lived with his Mother in Miami but had just been expelled from high school for truancy for 5 days.  He was staying at his Father’s girlfriends’ house in Sanford, Florida.  Trayvon wandered out to the store to buy some candy and drinks.  He was talking to his girlfriend on his phone when he noticed that some guy was following him.  Trayvon was African American and it turns out that there had been a bunch of robberies in the neighborhood and people suspected some Black boys of committing the crime.  So, a guy named George Zimmerman, who works as a security guard for the gated community where Martin’s Father’s girlfriend lives, saw Trayvon, called the cops, and then decided to pursue the kid on his own.  We don’t know what happened beyond that.  After the last 3 weeks or so of media frenzy and stoning, the police now say that Trayvon had attacked Zimmerman for following him but that he’s considered the aggressor in this case.  Trayvon was shot in the chest and killed.  George Zimmerman says that he was fearing for his life and has not been arrested. 

Again we have an unbelievable media frenzy convicting everyone.  The African American community is in an uproar over the racial undertone of the problem.   Meanwhile, they are insisting that George Zimmerman is White when Zimmerman insists he’s Hispanic.  People, even clergymen, are wearing hoodies in defense of what they feel is the main reason that Zimmerman attacked Trayvon.  I’m not sure if there’s anyway that Trayvon could have known that Zimmerman was a security guard, if he had a uniform on or what.  I haven’t been able to find that information.  If Zimmerman was just driving around the neighborhood I can certainly see that there’s a big problem here.

With regards to growing up in Divorce I guess it would be great for people to develop awareness that strange kids will show up in the neighborhood.  These kids and their parents should maybe be very aware that if there are problems in the neighborhood that they have to be more aware than the average population about anything they do that isn’t typical.  Teenagers in stepfamilies may spend a lot more time out of the house because they feel uncomfortable. If they live with a single parent they may get out of the house to get out of their parents’ hair because they don’t want to be a burden.  They may just not be as watched and parented as kids from intact families. 

Strangers need to be aware that it’s a good sign if these kids are outside taking breathers.  Often their lives are extremely stressful.   They may only live in the neighborhood part time and may receive a lot of suspicious glances.  It seems that Trayvon’s Mother lives in one place, and he was staying at his Father’s girlfriends’ house.  His Father may live at that last house or may have his own house.  That would make for 3 neighborhoods.  And a kid who might look like he doesn’t belong anywhere and who looks more suspicious because of that.

Trayvon Martin’s Mother is now merchandising slogans associated with the uproar.  In a Time interview with the parents information about Trayvon’s past is revealed.  The parents’ divorce is discussed:

After his parents divorced — an amicable parting — Trayvon served as a liaison between them, “sending little messages back and forth between us,” says Martin. Fulton, who works as a government programs manager, says, “Trayvon was a mama’s boy. He would give me a kiss in the morning. He would check on us in the evening before I went to bed.” When he talked about wanting to attend Florida A&M University in Tallahassee, he blushed when Fulton kiddingly replied, “What, and just leave me at home?”

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2110066,00.html#ixzz1qGQUqPMqead more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2110066,00.html#ixzz1qGQUqPMq

It looks like Trayvon played football at his high school.  He looks like an incredibly nice kid.  He actually looks a lot like President Obama and Obama made a comment in that regard.  –Had to look up the astrology to see if there was some kind of planetary connection and it’s amazing.  A person’s physical appearance is ruled by the sign that was rising when they were born.  Obama’s got an Aquarius Rising.  Trayvon’s natal Sun is in conjunction with Obama’s rising sign within just a few degrees. 

Rest in Peace, Trayvon.



Biutiful

After I watched the movie Biutiful last night, all 2.45 hours of it, I was not feeling very good.  It’s Spanish movie about a guy who is dying and, all I could really think was that I must have aged out of the European movie market.  I figured I just can’t handle the reality anymore.  Then, this morning I woke up thinking, “O my God, Uxbal is my Father!”

So, why I’m listing this movie on this blog is because Javier Bardem, as always, gives the most amazing performance of a Father who is divorced.  One realizes how much he loves his children and wants to provide for them.  He has custody because the children’s Mother is Bipolar and unreliable. There are two children in the story.  The oldest daughter has her 10th Birthday during the time that the movie takes place.  Her parents do everything they can to make it special for her, but their complicated lives and personal problems turn the celebrations in to one catastrophe after another.

I don’t know who the actress is who plays the wife/ex-wife, but she is brilliant.  Society really has come a long way when one sees that children are not expected to live with their Mother when she is that mentally ill.  My generation; usually the Father couldn’t handle it, and took off, the way mine did.  This character acknowledges that his children will turn out however they will turn out, whether he is around or not in the same way that he and his brother both turned otu, but he also acknowledges the importance of providing for them as a parent.  This centers around his obsession with leaving enough money to keep the rent for their apartment.

But, here, what is so incredible is to see the portrayal of this Father from so many different angles.  He sees his life through his spiritual side, which is strongly related to death and unresolved grief, as both his parents died when he was very young.  He makes a few extra bucks helping newly dead people to pass over.

One sees that he just keeps going, focusing on fixing other people’s problems but perpetually unable to break out of the slums that he is born into.  Finally his body just gives out.  Incredible scene where he goes to the toilet;  looks out the window to see a guy passed out in the street, you can see that he is feeling bad for the guy and meanwhile looks down to see that his urine is full of blood.  He himself has waited too long before going to the Doctor.

Better description than what I can provide here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biutiful



NPR Show on Step-Families

This wasn’t the best Talk of the Nation show that I’ve ever listened to on NPR radio, but, at least they’re trying.

Neal Conan interviews Brenda Ockun of Stepmom magazine and Andrew Cherlin, writer of The Marriage-Go-Round.  The point of the show is to market blended families to the public by saying that the word “Step” creates a negative stigma that needs to be dropped.  Both interviewees represent the Step-Parents’ points of view and were honestly trying to discuss how difficult the situation can be. Ockun seemed sort of nervous to be interviewed but speaks from a pretty honest point of view.  Cherlin said that it typically takes 7 years for a blended family to get used to each other.  If he had said, wow, that’s a huge chunk of your kids’ or your partners’ kids’ childhoods to screw up, isn’t it?  I would have felt that he was being fair.  As it is, I felt that this old school of narcissistic attitudes towards families is still as abusive (in a passive aggressive way, of course) as it always was.  Beating the square peg into the round hole kind of thing.

The callers who phoned in seemed to represent a wide variety of situations.  I don’t remember any bio Mothers calling in, which is telling.

Two phone calls came in from children who had grown up in blended families.  The first was a guy who said that as an adult he avoids his step-family (alcohol).  The second was a woman who tried to honestly describe her situation with her step- or half-siblings who came from an earlier marriage of one or more parents.  Interviewer Conan somehow twisted the situation around to get her to admit that she manipulated her parents into giving her stuff.  It was weird, actually seemed blatantly sexist because he waited to pick on the female, but typical of how NPR has aged out of progressive thinking.  That old Spoiled child thing.  Makes me feel grumpy.  Wish they had said that it’s important for the parents to have at least a year of counseling/education before committing their kids to the misery.

There were no distinctions made about the difference between blended families that come from death of a parent as opposed to blended families that come from divorce.  But, they really didn’t discuss Divorce at all.  Isn’t that weird?  As I said, it was a bad interview.  And I think that people are trying to heal people without trying to looking at what’s ailing them.  Do most parents really think of their children as household pets?