Filed under: Abandonment, Extended Family, Favoritism by Parents, Learned Helplessness, Parenting, relationship with Mother, self-absorbed parents, separate households, Stepfamilies, Trauma
Okay, so this is real. You’ll never hear one of the get help people talk about it. But, it’s real. I’ve overheard similar things. I’ve lived similar things.
Filed under: Aging parents, Aging Step-Parents, Blame, Death of a Parent, Denial, Favoritism by Parents, indifferent parents, Inheritance & Wills, Long Term Fallout, self-absorbed parents, separate households, Shrinks, Stepfamilies
Lawyers just do as they are told. If a ten times divorced rich guy shows up at the office and wants to leave all his money to his 3d wife and her hamster, the lawyer will write up the will that way. Rich people tend to love money and power, maybe just money. Often they don’t like their kids as much. Some people are just in denial that they’ll ever die. And, of course, there are hundreds of other stories about why children of divorce don’t receive an inheritance. Love is generally not equated with Loyalty in Divorced families the way it is in intact families.
After a divorced parent dies the grieving process for a Child of Divorce will also be different. A Will is a parent’s last words to his/her child. If there are no possessions or money this won’t be an issue. But, if no inheritance, no love, point blank. So the grieving process will bring up all the old crap from the divorce days/years/decades along with the current grieving process for a parent. Divorce is War. This is one of the many fall-outs from War usually decades after the War. Therapists don’t give a rats ass about the whole process because most therapists are 1) from intact families and 2) divorced themselves and so defensive that they will not worry themselves over this.
So, here is a start. The reviews are mixed and don’t really give much information about whether these books really are friendly to the kids. Different States have different rules and I don’t know if the books cover this. That’s why my Father maintained residency in Washington rather than California even though he had homes in both and had lived in Washington only a few years and had died in California. He wrote his will in Washington and it could have been contested in California.
Estate Planning for the Blended Family by L. Paul Hood Jr. and Emily Bouchard. (2012)
and
Estate Planning for Blended Families by Richard E. Barnes (NOLO Press, 2009)
Filed under: multiple households, separate households, teenagers, Total Weirdness, Violence
It seems that Florid is extra hard on Children of Divorce. Kids from divorced families are often wandering around, trying to escape tensions at home. It seems that the Florida community can’t handle this.
A while back, I wrote a post about the high school senior, Taylor Weinman, who was stalked by the police for more than a month and then arrested and held by house arrest for more than a year. Taylor was skateboarding around the neighborhood in the middle of the night, back and forth from his mother and father’s houses, during a time when people’s cats were being mauled. The media convicted and humiliated Tyler. Everyone called him the Cat Murderer.
A reader left a message on the blog entry I wrote giving an update on Tyler’s criminal status. Turns out a forensics expert determined that stray dogs were responsible for the cat killings. Tyler was exonerated of the crimes. He was arrested right before his high school graduation and missed a couple of keys years in there. Last report I read he was planning to go to College. Hope he made it and is doing well.
Here’s another story even more tragic. Trayvon Martin was 17 years old. I believe he lived with his Mother in Miami but had just been expelled from high school for truancy for 5 days. He was staying at his Father’s girlfriends’ house in Sanford, Florida. Trayvon wandered out to the store to buy some candy and drinks. He was talking to his girlfriend on his phone when he noticed that some guy was following him. Trayvon was African American and it turns out that there had been a bunch of robberies in the neighborhood and people suspected some Black boys of committing the crime. So, a guy named George Zimmerman, who works as a security guard for the gated community where Martin’s Father’s girlfriend lives, saw Trayvon, called the cops, and then decided to pursue the kid on his own. We don’t know what happened beyond that. After the last 3 weeks or so of media frenzy and stoning, the police now say that Trayvon had attacked Zimmerman for following him but that he’s considered the aggressor in this case. Trayvon was shot in the chest and killed. George Zimmerman says that he was fearing for his life and has not been arrested.
Again we have an unbelievable media frenzy convicting everyone. The African American community is in an uproar over the racial undertone of the problem. Meanwhile, they are insisting that George Zimmerman is White when Zimmerman insists he’s Hispanic. People, even clergymen, are wearing hoodies in defense of what they feel is the main reason that Zimmerman attacked Trayvon. I’m not sure if there’s anyway that Trayvon could have known that Zimmerman was a security guard, if he had a uniform on or what. I haven’t been able to find that information. If Zimmerman was just driving around the neighborhood I can certainly see that there’s a big problem here.
With regards to growing up in Divorce I guess it would be great for people to develop awareness that strange kids will show up in the neighborhood. These kids and their parents should maybe be very aware that if there are problems in the neighborhood that they have to be more aware than the average population about anything they do that isn’t typical. Teenagers in stepfamilies may spend a lot more time out of the house because they feel uncomfortable. If they live with a single parent they may get out of the house to get out of their parents’ hair because they don’t want to be a burden. They may just not be as watched and parented as kids from intact families.
Strangers need to be aware that it’s a good sign if these kids are outside taking breathers. Often their lives are extremely stressful. They may only live in the neighborhood part time and may receive a lot of suspicious glances. It seems that Trayvon’s Mother lives in one place, and he was staying at his Father’s girlfriends’ house. His Father may live at that last house or may have his own house. That would make for 3 neighborhoods. And a kid who might look like he doesn’t belong anywhere and who looks more suspicious because of that.
Trayvon Martin’s Mother is now merchandising slogans associated with the uproar. In a Time interview with the parents information about Trayvon’s past is revealed. The parents’ divorce is discussed:
After his parents divorced — an amicable parting — Trayvon served as a liaison between them, “sending little messages back and forth between us,” says Martin. Fulton, who works as a government programs manager, says, “Trayvon was a mama’s boy. He would give me a kiss in the morning. He would check on us in the evening before I went to bed.” When he talked about wanting to attend Florida A&M University in Tallahassee, he blushed when Fulton kiddingly replied, “What, and just leave me at home?”
Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2110066,00.html#ixzz1qGQUqPMqead more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2110066,00.html#ixzz1qGQUqPMq
It looks like Trayvon played football at his high school. He looks like an incredibly nice kid. He actually looks a lot like President Obama and Obama made a comment in that regard. –Had to look up the astrology to see if there was some kind of planetary connection and it’s amazing. A person’s physical appearance is ruled by the sign that was rising when they were born. Obama’s got an Aquarius Rising. Trayvon’s natal Sun is in conjunction with Obama’s rising sign within just a few degrees.
Rest in Peace, Trayvon.
Filed under: Death of a Parent, Fiction about Divorce, Mentally Ill parents, Movies About Growing Up in Divorce, Physical Abuse, separate households, Uncategorized
After I watched the movie Biutiful last night, all 2.45 hours of it, I was not feeling very good. It’s Spanish movie about a guy who is dying and, all I could really think was that I must have aged out of the European movie market. I figured I just can’t handle the reality anymore. Then, this morning I woke up thinking, “O my God, Uxbal is my Father!”
So, why I’m listing this movie on this blog is because Javier Bardem, as always, gives the most amazing performance of a Father who is divorced. One realizes how much he loves his children and wants to provide for them. He has custody because the children’s Mother is Bipolar and unreliable. There are two children in the story. The oldest daughter has her 10th Birthday during the time that the movie takes place. Her parents do everything they can to make it special for her, but their complicated lives and personal problems turn the celebrations in to one catastrophe after another.
I don’t know who the actress is who plays the wife/ex-wife, but she is brilliant. Society really has come a long way when one sees that children are not expected to live with their Mother when she is that mentally ill. My generation; usually the Father couldn’t handle it, and took off, the way mine did. This character acknowledges that his children will turn out however they will turn out, whether he is around or not in the same way that he and his brother both turned otu, but he also acknowledges the importance of providing for them as a parent. This centers around his obsession with leaving enough money to keep the rent for their apartment.
But, here, what is so incredible is to see the portrayal of this Father from so many different angles. He sees his life through his spiritual side, which is strongly related to death and unresolved grief, as both his parents died when he was very young. He makes a few extra bucks helping newly dead people to pass over.
One sees that he just keeps going, focusing on fixing other people’s problems but perpetually unable to break out of the slums that he is born into. Finally his body just gives out. Incredible scene where he goes to the toilet; looks out the window to see a guy passed out in the street, you can see that he is feeling bad for the guy and meanwhile looks down to see that his urine is full of blood. He himself has waited too long before going to the Doctor.
Better description than what I can provide here.
: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biutiful
Filed under: links to articles, Personality Types Most Likely to Divorce, self-absorbed parents, separate households, step-, step-siblings, Stepfamilies, Websites
This wasn’t the best Talk of the Nation show that I’ve ever listened to on NPR radio, but, at least they’re trying.
Neal Conan interviews Brenda Ockun of Stepmom magazine and Andrew Cherlin, writer of The Marriage-Go-Round. The point of the show is to market blended families to the public by saying that the word “Step” creates a negative stigma that needs to be dropped. Both interviewees represent the Step-Parents’ points of view and were honestly trying to discuss how difficult the situation can be. Ockun seemed sort of nervous to be interviewed but speaks from a pretty honest point of view. Cherlin said that it typically takes 7 years for a blended family to get used to each other. If he had said, wow, that’s a huge chunk of your kids’ or your partners’ kids’ childhoods to screw up, isn’t it? I would have felt that he was being fair. As it is, I felt that this old school of narcissistic attitudes towards families is still as abusive (in a passive aggressive way, of course) as it always was. Beating the square peg into the round hole kind of thing.
The callers who phoned in seemed to represent a wide variety of situations. I don’t remember any bio Mothers calling in, which is telling.
Two phone calls came in from children who had grown up in blended families. The first was a guy who said that as an adult he avoids his step-family (alcohol). The second was a woman who tried to honestly describe her situation with her step- or half-siblings who came from an earlier marriage of one or more parents. Interviewer Conan somehow twisted the situation around to get her to admit that she manipulated her parents into giving her stuff. It was weird, actually seemed blatantly sexist because he waited to pick on the female, but typical of how NPR has aged out of progressive thinking. That old Spoiled child thing. Makes me feel grumpy. Wish they had said that it’s important for the parents to have at least a year of counseling/education before committing their kids to the misery.
There were no distinctions made about the difference between blended families that come from death of a parent as opposed to blended families that come from divorce. But, they really didn’t discuss Divorce at all. Isn’t that weird? As I said, it was a bad interview. And I think that people are trying to heal people without trying to looking at what’s ailing them. Do most parents really think of their children as household pets?
Filed under: bi-racial, creativity, Death of a Parent, Exemplary Children of Divorce, Guilt, Half-siblings, Murder, relationship with Mother, separate households, siblings, Uncategorized, Vietnam, Violence
Pulitzer Prizewinning Poetess Natasha Trethewey is a Child of Divorce. I heard her interviewed on the NPR Program Fresh Air yesterday.
I was first attracted to the interview because I couldn’t believe what amazingly long sentences Trethewey can spin. She can assemble more thoughts into a single sentence in a way that still makes sense than anyone I’ve ever heard. So it made sense that she’s a poet. Her personal story is even more amazing.
Trethewey won the Pulitzer for her collection of poems called Native Guard. Some of these poems are about her Mother who was murdered by her Step-Father when Trethewey was 19 years old. Trethewey’s younger brother witnessed the murder when he was 11 (or 12) years old. (Sorry I was listening while driving in the car and I can’t remember the details really well).
Trethewey was born in Mississippi. Her parents divorced at some point before Trethewey started grade school. She lived with her Mother in Georgia and spent Summers in New Orleans with her Father and with her Grandmother in Mississippi.
Her new book is about how her family was affected by Hurricane Katrina. Her Brother was destroyed financially and, out of desperation, turned to dealing drugs. It turns out that he was arrested for possession of Cocaine the same day that Trethewey was awarded the Pulitzer. Have to sit down with this astrology chart at some point in the future when I can be very very quiet… This date will be interesting to look at from an astrological point of view as it was 10 days before Trethewey’s 41st Birthday. By coincidence, Trethewey’s Mother was killed 10 days before her (the Mother’s) 41st Birthday as well. It’s amazing to hear a very articulate poet discuss the complicated and confusing feelings and methods of coping with this amount of tragedy. I sure would like to hear her ideas, if any, about her parents’ divorce. I’m a little slow at reading poetry but I’ll be looking for both books. The new book is called Beyond Katrina.
Trethewey is bi-racial. Her Mother was an African American Social Worker and her Father is a White College Professor. Her Step-Father (don’t know race, etc) was a Vietnam Veteran and worked for an Air Conditioning and Heating Company. The story about what Trethewey’s brother had to go through is unbelievable. As I said he was 11 or 12 years old at the time of the murder. His parents had already divorced and I don’t know what age he was at that point.
Filed under: Health, links to articles, PTSD, separate households, Stepfamilies
As usual there is no mention about health effects of Children of Divorce, but a recent study from the University of Chicago Center on Aging has determined that people who suffer the loss of a marriage are 20 percent more likely to suffer from chronic health problems. That makes for more responsibilities for the kids to have to manage along with weakened role models to emulate.
The study will be published in the Journal of Health & Social Behavior, Sept, 2009 issue.
I’ve said before that I think it probably matters in the quality of life for the children whether or not they live with the parent who decides to leave or the one who is dumped. The child has much exposure to very complex and difficult emotions if living in the same house with a heartbroken parent. The role of “Choice” is known in being a major factor in development of PTSD type of emotional problems and I think it makes sense that this will transfer on down to the kids, maybe only one of the kids in the family will absorb the responsibilities.
I’m finding it very alarming how Step-parents are the only ones who seem to express any open reactions to split family situations. The level of hostility in many of these situations can only be destructive and the biological parents need to take the most active role in setting up positive relations.
Studies like these are also deceptive because they leave out the families who benefit from Divorce. Either way these studies always seem to find that same 20-25% ratio of people who are affected by any stress that I keep seeing repeat itself. I sort of suppose that 25% have extreme negative reactions, 25% benefit, and 50% plead complacency, but that’s a gross assumption.
From the Yahoo article called: “Marriage Ends; Health Declines” by Randy Dotinga:
Other important factors include the nature of marriages and their breakups, said marriage researcher Janice Kiecolt-Glaser.
Her research has found that women and men who were recently divorced had weaker immune systems than those who had been divorced longer. “We also found that it mattered if you had chosen the divorce, or if your spouse was the one who asked for it,” said Kiecolt-Glaser, director of health psychology at the Ohio State University College of Medicine. “You are better off being the one who walked rather than the one who was left behind.”
Also, she said, those who remain preoccupied with thoughts of their former spouse — either pro or con — had immune problems.
Filed under: Bad Children of Divorce, separate households, Stepfamilies, Uncategorized, Violence
Tyler Weinman is 18 years old and has just graduated from High School. He was arrested just after midnight on Sunday night for the recent gruesome killings of cats in Southern Florida. At least 33 cats have recently been found dead in the areas where Tyler’s parents live, mostly in the area around his Father’s house.
Tyler lives with his Mother in Cutler Bay, Florida. His Father and Step-Mother live a mile or two away. Tyler Weinman is a Child of D.
Yes, Mom and Dad are Divorced and it seems that Tyler spends a lot of time trafficking between the two homes. And his path to and fro is where the cats are dying. Maybe it’s best if the parents live far apart so that their kids have to spend most of their travel time at the airport. Don’t think there’s a big cat population at the airport that they can take their frustrations out on.
So this is one of the few cases where a Divorce situation is being openly discussed by the media. And suddenly there is much discussion about how kids from broken homes are cat killers because, well, you know, it’s stressful coming from a broken home. (Strangely, the Psychologists and the Parents don’t know about this stress, but the Police know it, the Whiners from the Intact Families who always complain about how much better their childhoods would have been if only their parents had divorced, they suddenly know it too.)
So then we have to back track. Half of all the kids running around in the United States are growing up in Divorce. Half of all the kids in the country aren’t killing their neighbors’ cats. (Of course, it’s difficult to read about Tyler’s life and not feel a bit of empathy for how stressful it must be.) Tyler’s Father is remarried so at least one half of Tyler’s set of families is happy in the eyes of society. But that brings up the discussion about how he’s obviously a sociopath because he doesn’t get along with his Step-Mother. Mom’s life is not reported. I don’t know if Tyler has siblings. Tyler’s father is a Dentist which indicates money. To me that indicates a split financial situation between households and a lot of fighting over money, but the folks from the Intact Families say it’s a sure sign that: Tyler is a Spoiled Child of Divorce.
The police are not letting out pertinent information with regards to Tyler’s case. This could be fueling the media’s early “conviction” of Tyler based on his family status. What else are they going to talk about after all?
We don’t know if Tyler killed the cats but I suppose the police wouldn’t have arrested him if they weren’t pretty sure. They had secretly put a tracker on his car and had been following him around for weeks, after all. They had been staking out his Father’s house. Tyler has been released with an ankle bracelet and a big bond payment and he will receive psychiatric evaluations.
I may have wrong information here but I believe that Tyler’s first arrest came a couple of days after the first dead cat showed up. The neighbors immediately pointed their fingers at him. The police didn’t find cat blood but they did find pot in his car and discovered that he was driving with a suspended license according to this article. Then they stopped him for skateboarding at 2:00 am dressed in black. That’s suspicious unless your only other choice is to try to sleep in a house with a screaming parent. Of course, I don’t know about Tyler’s home life. You never, ever ask about the parents Divorce situation or mental status. It is assumed that they mean well.
The media has incorrectly reported that Tyler was first arrested while attending his Senior Prom. Tyler’s neighbors supposedly told the media that he was carted off while wearing his Tuxedo. It turns out that his prom took place 3 weeks before the first killing occurred.
There’s discussion over Tyler’s mugshot which alone really does seem to convict him. He looks pretty sociopathic because he’s smiling, smirking, as it’s being called. But, who knows what’s going here? Since he’s a pothead and was arrested late at night while at a party it makes sense that he was probably high. He may have not been very lucid and he may not have been told what he had been arrested for and he may have been assuming that this was another pot charge. Potheads always have those devastating smiles. The photographer had probably told him to wipe the grin off his face and in his state of mind this was the best he could do.
The media is concentrating on the fact that Tyler doesn’t get along with his Step-Mother and is obviously motivated to kill cats because she has cats. She has 9 cats which is a little OCD, IMO (and I’m a cat person).
It sounds like Tyler likes cats, anyway. If what I read is true and sorry I don’t have a link, one of Tyler’s Mom’s neighbors says that Tyler owns a cat which he took in as a stray. Tyler also has a girlfriend. Or had a girlfriend. His alleged homosexuality has come up for discussion as well as his Jewish last name. Boy, this is really creepy. With these attitudes I’d say that just about anybody living in South Florida would be capable of killing a cat.
I’m not saying that Tyler is innocent. If he did these crimes then he is seriously disturbed. But the media’s reporting of this case is even more disturbing. Guess I’m adding to it…
Spoiled Children of Divorce 